Advertisement

loader

Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

rant and rave

(12 Posts)
badgerbrisket Thu 08-Sep-11 23:31:58

I have been with DP for two years we met whilst living in a buddhist community and our friendship turned in to a happy relationship.

We are now moving out of the Buddhist centre and in to a village nearby with all of our friends living in houses close by, the 19 of September.

Tonight I am having a panic.

When we first got together I noticed that he always has piles of mail that he never opens and he told me that he has thousands of pounds worth of debt, I suggested he go full time at work as he is a teacher only doing 2 days a week part time so he can donate the rest of his time volunteering for the buddhist centre.

He also had been told by the school that if he didn't update his teaching qualifications he would not be able to carry on teaching they gave him a year to get a maths and English GCSE equivalent, he put it off untill "tomorrow" for a year then they got sterner with him telling him that if he doesnt do this they will sack him, he then handed in his notice in April because he said he was a burnt out teacher.- fair enough.

But since April he has known that he will not have a job to go back to in September, he has not been job hunting or looking for a career change or doing ANYTHING remotely productive for this whole period until the end of the summer holidays where I had to be really horrible to him to get him to sign up to teaching agencies.

Now no teaching agencies have called him he hasn't called them, he has not looked for anything to keep him going until the teaching picks up and he needs to spend his august pay check on deposits and rent leaving him with nothing.

I on the other hand am a nanny 35 hours a week, I work my socks off whilst also studying on an access course at college part time.

I am suspicious that I'm pregnant and all this uncertainty is making me feel very anxious and unhappy.

We had a massive row tonight because I checked my face book on my laptop during the adverts of big brother and he said he was bored to death and I was really selfish for doing this I put my foot down and told him it was only during the adverts and it was my lap top anyway...

He had to return his to the school when he left, he went mental left the room, destroyed the atmosphere and just lead me to think maybe its not too late for me to pull out of moving in with him to this house I just cant trust that his mood swings wont effect my life in a negative way not to mention his crapness with money.

I have told him we should have a break to make up our minds (pretty hard as I live in the room next to him at the buddhist center.

he is such a lovely man and a secure partner but he just wont accept that he is crap with money and this job thing is scaring both of us.

I don't mind if you didn't get though all this waffle I just needed to rant a bit am so destabilized by all this

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Thu 08-Sep-11 23:52:03

The writing is on the wall.

There's no way you should consider moving in with him until he has sorted his debts out and updated his teaching qualifications, or begun to show an interest in pursuing other employment.

The sceptic in me is wondering how much of a commitment he's made to Buddhism or whether living in the Centre has been a way for him to escape the realities of life 'outside' of a structured environment.

Please don't make what could be the biggest mistake of your life - do you have friends/family you could stay with while continuing your present work/college. or can you afford to rent a room or flatshare locally?

As for whether you are pg, it may be that the stress of your impending move has interfered with your cycle but, nevertheless, you are best advised to do a test and some hard thinking before making any announcements to anyone if the result is positive.

meltedchocolate Thu 08-Sep-11 23:56:04

Could have written Izzy's post myself!

bumpybecky Fri 09-Sep-11 00:21:08

please do not move in with this 'man'

agree with everything Izzy has said

AnyFucker Fri 09-Sep-11 07:50:08

Christ almighty, don't move in with this cocklodger

Get real lady, this man is lazy and will suck you dry

I really hope you are not pregnant

Stop all the practical plans you are making and find someone else who wants an equal partnership with you

badgerbrisket Fri 09-Sep-11 10:29:32

Thank you, I do love him so it isn't as cut and dry as just leaving him on the basis that he hasn't "manned up" yet, its just that I expect a lot from men, my dad brought my sister and myself up from when we were babies all by him self, with no help, he worked so hard fixing cars sometimes laying in the snow, and he still does even though we have left home.

I felt a level of security when I first got together with DP because he is a teacher but he is so lack luster about it and too old/uninspired really to make a career change (45).

If I am not pregnant I will be free to move on if he doesn't give himself a kick up the arse but if I am I will make a go of it.
I have not woken up feeling happy I hate this sad

ChitChattingaway Fri 09-Sep-11 10:39:46

'I expect a lot from men'.

Err, no. You just expect them to be GROWN UP. and this guy clearly isn't. He hides from his debts, he hides his head in the sand and refuses to take required action to keep his professional qualifications up to date, he goes MENTAL when you go onto your laptop because heaven forbid he felt a bit bored during a commercial break, he has mood swings that make you feel terrible.

Moving in with someone like this would be completely irresponsible. He is NOT a lovely man and a STABLE partner. If you are finding it so hard to break up with him now, how difficult will you find it when you have signed a lease with him yet you are paying 100% of the rental, you are responsible for feeding him and responsible for his emotional well being - because that will be exactly what happens.

He is an irresponsible man who uses his charm to befriend people and has lived in community as a way of not dealing with his responsibilities.

AnyF Fri 09-Sep-11 11:51:08

If you expect a lot from men, you will walk away from this one whether you "love him" or not. pregnancy may put a different spin on it, but doesn't actually change the dynamic here. You do all the work and take all the responsibility (with its associated stress), while he navel-gazes.

And what chitchat said.

moominliz Fri 09-Sep-11 12:16:31

I completely agree with what Izzy said.

Also from my own personal experience, I was in a relationship with a 'man' who had terrible debts, I very foolishly moved in with him and married him and it nearly destroyed me both mentally and financially.
Though I tried to help as best as I could he buried his head in the sand, i.e. wouldn't deal with debt agencies, wouldn't take overtime, etc. but quite happily spent my money. If I hadn't left when I did I would have ended up bankrupt.

Luckily we never had children but quite honestly had we have had children I would have been 100% better off on my own.

Anniegetyourgun Fri 09-Sep-11 15:29:30

Clearly your dad gave you a good example of what men are capable of (ie running a house, a family and a job!). I wonder what has led you to believe that it's unrealistic to expect men to manage their own lives and finances. I would have said it's the bare minimum to expect from a life partner. (Wish someone I trusted had explained this to me before I got married to a man who was just looking for a woman to organise his life for him and pay the bills, oh and keep him entertained. But sometimes the only way to learn is the hard way.)

buzzsorekillington Fri 09-Sep-11 16:28:08

You should expect a lot from your life partner. This guy is living in a fantasy world and you're going to be the one holding it all up like Atlas. Even if you're pregnant fgs don't move in together - get him to prove he can contribute an graft, otherwise you'll just have two dependents.

badgerbrisket Fri 09-Sep-11 21:39:44

Thank you all so much for your in put, I told him everything I have written in my OP and he was really upset, this morning he was very remorseful of how he had behaved, he said that he found it hard to hear all the criticism but it is true what I said and he is going to change, we talked about how we no longer meditate together and how we are going through a lot at the moment and it would be a good thing to have a balance of internal life i.e meditating and receiving teachings together and working for external happiness too i.e him going full time with work and making an effort to attain the relevant qualifications to succeed, we do love each other and I feel he respects me a lot more now that I have told him I will not stay with him unless he starts to show more enthusiasm for building our lives.

I took a clearblue pg test today and it was negative Ill take another on the day my period is due and cross that bridge when I come to it.

Thanks so much for you advice though it is lovely to know that other women have been through the same thing it really gave me the strength to confront him and let him know that I mean business, I am going to live with him untill I finish college, making it clear that I don't have any money to bail him out then if he doesn't change I will go to university in a faraway land an let it die a natural death.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now