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What now?

(46 Posts)
gwinkle Thu 08-Sep-11 18:17:59

I started a thread on here a few months ago when I found out about DH emotional affair. He appeared to be having some kind of crisis and after much soul searching and counselling we were in much better shape as a couple than before the EA.

Fast forward to now. I spotted a couple of over-familiar texts on his phone last night. Nothing damning, but enquiring about his holiday and saying that they (the person texting) were going to a spa! I therefore guessed if was from a woman, but there was no name saved for the number.

When I asked him about it he became very cagey and I could see him visibly shaking. He claimed he didn't know who the text was from, though he had replied to it. He agreed to ring the number on loud speaker, but there was no answer. When he heard the name on the answer-machine he said he remembered it was someone who had been in a meeting with him once and she was just being friendly.

I checked the rest of his phone, email and Facebook etc and could find no trace of this person. In case she decided to return his call, I took his phone to bed and put it on my bedside table. I awoke at 3am to find him crawling across the bedroom floor - commando style (it would be funny if it wasn't so bloody sad!) to retrieve his phone. I demanded the truth and he basically stuck to his story, but said she had become a bit "stalkerish" after the meeting.

This morning I demanded that he told me the truth, otherwise I would kick him out. He now tells me that he met this woman on a flight, she insisted on giving him a lift from the airport to his meeting. She then wanted to meet up, but he declined. He said that she was clearly flirting with him, but he didn't tell me because he was worried I would get the wrong idea.

He is adamant that this is the truth, but I don't think he would know the truth if it bit him on the arse. I have kicked him out anyway and one of the first things he asked was about what we would do about the house angry.

He is desperate for us to work this out, but I can no longer trust him. Even if this is the truth about what happened, he has lied all along. I think he just wants to be together because of our two young children. I don't think he really cares about me anymore.

I am just devastated for our kids. They adore him and I can't cope with the thought of having to tell them that he is gone. We have been together for 18 years and I feel like I don't know him at all. sad

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 08-Sep-11 18:34:46

So sorry.

I would do the same as I would view this as a terrible breach of trust on his part, especially after the first affair.

Your fuckwit of a H should be telling the kids not you.

Hope you are getting some real life support to lean on.

MangoMonster Thu 08-Sep-11 18:37:30

So sorry to hear you're having such an awful time. Like you said, you can't trust him. You deserve to be happy and it doesn't sound like he is going to make you happy.

HerHissyness Thu 08-Sep-11 18:37:40

"He said that she was clearly flirting with him, but he didn't tell me because he was worried I would get the wrong idea."

So rather than offend her by being so devastatingly irresistible AND Married AKA OFF LIMITS, he took pity on the poor girl and accepted her lift, was compelled to swap numbers with her, knowing that if you found out, you'd HIT THE ROOF!

How long ago was this trip?

In all the time he has been back, knowing what you went through with his last EA, he STILL chose to reply to her texts etc rather than prioritise YOU and take the decision to ignore her, and eventually, she would get the message.

Go on love, you know what you have here, permission to formall HIT THE FLAMING ROOF with him.

Tell him to give you 1 good reason why he shouldn't be kicked out.

What would HE do if it were YOU having EAs here and texting other men? Seriously?

HerHissyness Thu 08-Sep-11 18:38:49

Oh, WRT the house. You tell him that you keep it. ALL of it, until the DC are 18, then you will talk about things.

gwinkle Thu 08-Sep-11 18:41:30

I protected him and us last time by not telling our friends and families. My one friend who knows all about it is coming over tonight.

It weird because I seem very calm and rational. I wonder whether I have already mourned the man I loved and married, or whether the shock will wear off and it will hit me like a steam train.

solidgoldbrass Thu 08-Sep-11 18:43:25

Tell him that you will be consulting a solicitor about the house and you will discuss it with him after consulting a solicitor.
I think you are doing the right thing in ending the relationship: he is clearly not going to give up having emotional affairs and wanting to have his ego stroked by other women, and for you this is unacceptable.

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 08-Sep-11 18:45:46

You may find this link helpful - it is so important that vulnerabilities are addressed and that boundaries are made clear after an affair and the link may explain why your H felt able to repeat his behaviour:

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 08-Sep-11 18:46:04

You may find this link helpful - it is so important that vulnerabilities are addressed and that boundaries are made clear after an affair and the link may explain why your H felt able to repeat his behaviour:

gwinkle Thu 08-Sep-11 18:49:48

hissy I have kicked him out already. I think he is trying to emotionally blackmail me into taking him back because he knows I will not want to sell the house. Pretty early for those sorts of dirty tricks I would have thought!

gwinkle Thu 08-Sep-11 18:52:20

We've both read the Shirley Glass book and had excellent counselling. He was putting all of the things in place to prevent a repeat performance. That is why I have a tendency to believe that nothing physical happened with this woman, but I cannot get past the fact that he lied.

HerHissyness Thu 08-Sep-11 18:55:44

Sorry, yes I saw that! Bloody well done!

Stay strong and tell him you won't sell, won't budge and he can just STFU about it...

Where DO these twunts get the front to cheat and betray and then think they still have the right to try to call the shots? it's astounding!

HerHissyness Thu 08-Sep-11 18:57:49

FFS, is it SO hard to say I'm married?

Is it SO hard NOT to flirt back when someone flirts with you?

Is it impossible to say No, i'd rather NOT give you my number, my WIFE wouldn't understand/like it/allow me to live under the same roof

MangoMonster Thu 08-Sep-11 19:16:41

I'm not sure that anything physical has to happen for it to damage your relationship. I figure people who don't believe in cheating on their partners make an effort to avoid any situations which could invite temptation. Playing with fire means someone will probably get burnt. We all have human urges but you use your logical brain to avoid them for the sake of yourself, your partner and your children. Sounds like he's not willing to do that, so eventually there will be problems.

gwinkle Thu 08-Sep-11 19:31:27

Thank you for your responses.

What is really shit is that he is the dishonest, cheating, lying snake and yet I'm the one at home with the children feeling like the bad-guy because I ended it!

mh85 Thu 08-Sep-11 19:35:56

Are you kidding me? Commando styley? It's POSSIBLE that he's just been a muppet and done some harmless flirting, but FFS what a twat!!!

You SHOULD have kicked him when he was on the floor - trampled on his bollocks and THEN kicked him out - leopards.... spots..... never.

Hope very much that you're OK - I'd make him tell the kids how shit he is x

MangoMonster Thu 08-Sep-11 19:48:34

Hate feeling like the bad guy when you're not. I guess that's testament to him. I can understand you feel bad for your kids, but I should think they will understand in future. He's not a great role model, where as, you are. He had a choice and he chose to fly too close to the wind and risk his family. You might meet someone who treats you wonderfully and who you can grow old with. If you stay with him, you're denying yourself happiness, just because he can't behave like an adult. I know it's tempting to think thereighr be grey areas but can you live with those? And can your kids when they start suspecting him themselves.

MangoMonster Thu 08-Sep-11 19:50:25

I mean, crawling across the floor commando style!
Could you even sleep with him after that smile

gwinkle Thu 08-Sep-11 20:01:48

I know it sounds ridiculous, but in a way it shows the lengths he was prepared to go to to be deceitful.

I was just starting to get a bit of myself back by getting back to work and now this! Restarting my career as a single parent wasn't exactly what I had in mind!

MangoMonster Thu 08-Sep-11 20:04:32

Exactly, it's cringey. Don't want you to feel worse than you already do but he would have lost my respect by now.

gwinkle Thu 08-Sep-11 20:06:48

I told him today that I'm not sure if I love him any more but I certainly don't like or respect him.

twostraightlines Thu 08-Sep-11 20:35:16

Oh God, what a monumental arse. So sorry for you.

Remind yourself over and over that even if you do still love him, you'll get over it. Particularly now that you know for sure that you deserve so much better.

MangoMonster Thu 08-Sep-11 20:45:08

You'll be okay. You sound very together and lovely. Don't feel bad, five yourself a break.

gwinkle Thu 08-Sep-11 22:16:55

Thank you.
My RL friend has just left. She agrees with you guys and I don't think she'd have much respect for me if I took him back. That will help to keep me strong. It's just the DC I worry about. How could he do this to them. sad

gwinkle Fri 09-Sep-11 09:18:53

He is going to rent a place nearby and has told me not to worry about finances. I am getting to the point now where I need to tell people, but I just don't want to. I think that feels very final and there is no going back once everyone knows.

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