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I forgave him but...

(18 Posts)
happyinherts Thu 08-Sep-11 11:14:04

A while back I entered into a relationship with someone I thought a lot of. There was a lot of chemistry and we got on well.

First time we slept together was great. I'd say he certainly knew what he was about, very confident. However, done the deed, a second afterwards he says, "That was the first time with someone I have no feelings for. My mother didn't bring me up like that." (By the way this is no teenager. It's a 51 year old man). My immediate reaction was complete shock. I wasn't expecting the 'no feelings' speech. Stupidly I smiled and said it was okay, when deep down it really wasn't, but hey, who wants to show themselves up at a intimate moment. Looking back I should have said something like, "You complete and utter B, get dressed and feck off."

Continued to see him slightly more casually for dinner, shows, etc, and it was all very nice, same chemistry, got on well, slept together a few more times when he seemed more relaxed within himself, happy and at ease with it. Six months later he announced he was moving. I knew I'd not see him again but it wasnt actually mentioned. Had a day in London, hotel for the night and then he walked away without actually saying I'd not see him again.

Fast forward to now. He's back in London this week for an exhibition. He doesn't live anywhere near London, so will be staying. I'm getting shaky. I know I don't own London but his very presence here brings back happy times merged with that 'no feelings' comment. I feel very fish out of water and don't know why. I've spoken to him continually on msn since said incident and lately it's been quite civil as opposed to monosyllabic.

Should I exercise my demons and arrange a lunch date with him to catch up on old news, etc (not to drag up a long distance relationship) or just leave him be. Past in past. Half of me thinks it would nice for a bit of closure. We're both adults. Had a great deal of fun, end of, but something else thinks leave it alone. We had no commitment. He didn't like me as much as I liked him obviously. Save yourself the pain.


mh85 Thu 08-Sep-11 11:18:01

Save yourself the pain honey - sounds like a prat.

Remove him from MSN, delete his numbers.... go out on a girly night, have a drink and move on... what a waste of oxygen!!!

MilkandWine Thu 08-Sep-11 11:23:58

Save yourself the pain. I'm sorry and I know how agonising it is when someone you really like doesn't feel the same but you need to leave it for your own sanity.

What sort of man shags someone and then tells them he has no feelings for them? Only a very cold, heartless and manipulative one I'm afraid. He is not a nice person and he is not deserving of your time, energy or affections.

Men like that love to have women chasing after them, then they can treat them like shite to bolster their own damaged self esteem. You had no commitment because he didn't want any, he was calling all the shots, very nice for him, horrid for you.

Don't give him a chance to hurt you again by getting in touch with him. Please keep well away.

If I read one more thread about fuck wit men dicking perfectly nice women about I swear I'm going to join a nunnery. Have they all attended they same college class entitled 'How to be a total arsehole misogynist?' angry

Helltotheno Thu 08-Sep-11 11:24:44

I just can't get past that comment he made and your lack of reaction to it. Help me understand...

CombineArvester Thu 08-Sep-11 11:26:03

He's a prick. Ignore all messages. Cannot see where all the fun was for you I'm afraid.

HairyGrotter Thu 08-Sep-11 11:39:20

I would not continue contact with him by any means. He is not worth the bother or effort, he has not respected you or your feelings. What he said with respect of 'no feelings' is quite frankly, socially mental. One might think such things, but the speak them outloud is another thing entirely.

I'd have reacted according to how I felt at the time, but then I'm a hot head.

Cease contact, pointless.

MangoMonster Thu 08-Sep-11 12:08:05

Save yourself the pain. That comment was pretty unforgivable and cruel.

SirSugar Thu 08-Sep-11 12:11:07

Why would you hold yourself so cheaply? Find some decent bloke to play with if you need a man.

happyinherts Thu 08-Sep-11 12:16:20

Voice of reasoning confirms it - I'd just be happier if he was in home village I expect. I have moved on, just wondered briefly if a coffee and how are you, would be okay, but no, there isnt any point at all.

Oh, and the reason I acted as I did was complete and utter shock. One may think such things, but to say them.... I was shocked because quite frankly his words, actions, deeds, gifts up to that point did not convey total 'no feelings.' Complete and utter shellshocked. Immediate reation would have to been cry heart out, but that isn't dignified or adult, so I let it pass and said okay.

Waste of time, space and energy. He's a successful manager / entrepreneur but clearly lacks self esteem. Belongs in the past, just be happier when he's back in his own surroundings.

Thanks MN'ers.

Cheaptrick Thu 08-Sep-11 12:16:50

This is not a man that cares for you.

There are other better men out there for you.

I would not contact him again and move on. Learn from it and dont put yourself down - you are worth more than this.

Also if a man said that to me i would have kicked him out of bed and out of my house - without giving him time to get dressed.

tallwivglasses Thu 08-Sep-11 12:19:19

I think I'll be joining MilkandWine in that nunnery. GRRRR!! angry

ScarlettIsWalking Thu 08-Sep-11 12:20:03

omg please don't waste time with a guy who has no respect for you and is just using you. Start to love yourself.

WhereYouLeftIt Thu 08-Sep-11 15:41:19

What MilkandWine said.

But "My mother didn't bring me up like that." is hmm as well ...

SansaLannister Thu 08-Sep-11 15:44:34

Delete this person from your life. Don't waste another second on him. He's a prick because, even if you actually felt like that about shagging someone, you don't fucking say it out loud to them unless you're an arsehole.

And life is too short to spend precious time on arseholes.

buzzsorekillington Thu 08-Sep-11 16:02:43

God no, don't go there.

MilkandWine Thu 08-Sep-11 16:20:56


Yes the "My mother didn't bring me up like that" comment is a corker isin't it? I dunno about you but I find it really sexy and erotic when a man mentions his mother straight after we have first had sex.

Mummy issues anyone?

Oh and I've spoken to the Mother Superior and there is room in the convent for anyone who want's to join me. Although she tells me we will have to provide our own wimpleswink

Seriously though, these threads (and the fuckwittery currently going on in my own life) are making me lose the will to live. What is wrong with so many men out there these days?

badgerbrisket Thu 08-Sep-11 17:08:32

He doesn't live in Leicestershire does he?.. Sounds a lot like someone I know...
definitely ditch him, how can you even consider someone who speaks to you with such disrespect you're better than this

happyinherts Thu 08-Sep-11 17:16:18

Even I laugh at the Mother didn't bring me up that way comment now - I have ditched him. It was only a coffee meet up because of being in London idea, but everyone's right. I supported him when his dog died yet when my grandmother passed away, not a word, even though I was devastated. I'm not time wasting or energy wasting, I've moved on.

Gosh are there are more like him about? No, he doesn't live anywhere near Leicestershire.

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