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Relationships

Relationship with no intimacy or affection - and he's texting other women...

86 replies

mh85 · 08/09/2011 10:37

Hi

Really need some advice at the moment - this may take a while so I'll try and keep it brief!

Been in a relationship for 5 years.... always had problems with intimacy as he just didn't seem interested - maybe 4 or 5 times a year, max? I'm 26 now and feel like I've completely lost out.

Thought things would get better by moving in together.. so bought a house just over a year ago. No change...

Then got engaged last year - not even that night did anything happen :(

He's blamed EVERYTHING but his attitude - even my weight being an issue (which he's backtracked on now), being tired, being unwell (he has an intestinal disease which I've always been supportive of), calling it a chore, boring, no time... the lot.

What hurts me even more is that when I go to kiss him he just pushes me away - I smoke and often he says 'you smell'... which is rich, coming from someone who often forgets/can't be bothered to clean his teeth!!

He texts other girls, calls other girls, i/m's other girls, watches porn, arranges to meet up with other girls (although I have no evidence to prove that he has actually done this) but some condoms went missing a couple of months ago - he swears he didn't take them, put doubt in my mind and now I'll never know...

It all started really about 1 year into the relationship - with one girl in particular (lets call her girl X). He'd sent her some messages on f/b while I was away at Uni finishing my degree. He's since told me that he had feelings for this girl before he got with me and did it for an ego boost - just wanting to know if he could get her if he wanted her.

After that, there were many many others, dirty texts, flirting... he could never keep his eyes straight ahead if a pretty girl walked past & it made me feel worse because he just didn't show me any affection at all.

So that's the background - well, most of it. You should probably know that when I get upset I get realllllly p*ssed off, and I have a bit of a mouth on me - I've said some horrible things to him, which he says has made it worse.

Last week it came to a head - again. Similar situation a couple of months back, I just couldn't take it anymore but we ended up giving it one last try. He failed. Big time. Nothing had happened at all since the last arguement - he'd cooked a little more but no affection, no intimacy - and I'd found out that he'd been texting girls while we were arguing. We just stopped talking.

So I ended it.... a week and 3 days ago. I wrote him a letter as we just couldn't talk, and I handed it over when he asked what I wanted for my birthday.

He left, went back to his mums... came over after a week to discuss the house and our pets, agreed to a payout. Both my parents were there. In the meantime, or after this discussion I should say, I saw a message on f/b from girl X - saying 'are you still coming over :-) I was SO hurt that I gave them both a piece of my mind.

He came over the next day, begged for another chance - I told him no, that he'd used all his chances and then some. He'd said that he'd been set up, the usual..... lies lies and more lies. Said things would change, that he'd 'seen the future'. Whole load of BS.

He then told me that until I give him another chance, he's not signing anything and would force the sale of our property. I've been completely logical, offered him ample - and said he can keep our dogs (who I'm very attatched to and it's going to break my heart letting them go). I put more into the house deposit than him, he couldn't afford to buy me out if he wanted to, although the mortgage and bills are 50/50. I have great parents : )

My confidence has been shot to pieces over the past 5 years with constant rejection and upset from him doing this to me. I've cancelled the wedding, written up a terms of separation for the solicitor to go through and just want to get things moving.

The trouble is, he's not spoken to me at all in 3 days. The last I heard from him was a text message saying 'f**k you, just go and die'... this, after a message from me asking him to think about the offer before he makes any snap decisions.

I've tried to text him, just asking if he's OK but no reply.

So I have some questions for you guys and I hope you can help me - feeling pretty numb at the moment but upset, angry, relieved, worried... just about every emotion i've ever experienced all rolled into one!

Why do you think he's ignoring me? I can't DO anything until he comes back with a response to the offer...

Why do you think he had this problem in the first place?

How can I get my confidence back?

Would you have done the same as I have?

Is every man like this? My male friends, from a similar upbringing to this guy say yes, and that I'm 'too old fashioned' to think that I can find someone who has respect for me and won't treat me in the same way...

PLEASE if you can help me understand all this I would be so so grateful - I'm going out of my mind with this although I'm not quite sure why.

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CotesduRhone · 08/09/2011 10:44

Flying visit here but you have my sympathies.

  1. No, not every man is like this (thank heavens), only a douchey minority
  2. You need to dump this juvenile assclown
  3. You need new friends, they have seriously low standards of behaviour
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Ragwort · 08/09/2011 10:48

You must get rid of this man, sort out your finances and build up your self esteem.

Ir is very, very sad that you allow yourself to be treated in such an appalling manner - ignore what your 'friends' say.

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mh85 · 08/09/2011 10:54

One thing I forgot to put - his latest status on fb says 'Someone is going to pay for crossing me'.... don't know if it's directed at me or not, but let's say probably!

Thanks you two for your responses so far - I know I've made the right decision, but just so down & confused right now

x

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MangoMonster · 08/09/2011 10:59

You seem very together considering how hard it must be for you. He probably didnt think you'd leave him. He is a complete loser and you can do much better, there are good men, just takes a while to find them sometimes.

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MilkandWine · 08/09/2011 11:02

Your post made me very, very sad OP, I am sorry you are going through this.

You need to cut all contact with this bastard and never, ever see him again. He is a vile specimen of the highest order, I actually felt sick reading your post.

You are going out of your mind because this man has fucked with it until you don't know which way is up. I have been there and I know how soul destroying it is.

You need to ditch your male 'friends' as well, they are morons of a similar calibre to your boyfriend. You do not need people like this in your life, they will drag you down to their level and keep you there. You do not want that.

Do you have any good female friends or family you can lean on? You need to work on yourself and building up your self esteem which this man has systematically destroyed. Delete his mobile number, delete him from your FB and delete him in your life.

He is pond scum and deserves to be scraped away in the same manner.

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waterrat · 08/09/2011 11:04

OP I don't know any men who are like this. fgs - most men are NOTHING like this. Sometimes in life, you can end up in circles where people are similar - so you think that they represent the truth about 'men' - but its bollocks.

Life is short - you get to decide who you spend time with and what you expect from a relationship - nobody else does. This is not good enough, as mango says - he's a loser. Do not waste any time on him - stop texting him, delete his number and never speak to him again. honestly - you aren't going to make him become a nice person - he is a waste of space.

Build your confidence by meeting new people, dedicate some time to yourself, find friends who are nice people - start a course/ change your life...but don't bother with this idiot.

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mh85 · 08/09/2011 11:22

Thanks for your posts - what do I do about the house though if he's not even speaking to me? I have NO idea where to start but I just have to move things on... can't take anymore of his bs! Any ideas?

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MangoMonster · 08/09/2011 11:25

Probably best to see a solicitor.

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MilkandWine · 08/09/2011 11:26

Is the house in both your names? Are you both contributing? I'm no expert on such matters but I think a trip to the solicitor is in order to see where you stand legally.

Hopefully someone with more knowledge will be along soon OP.

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Tillyscoutsmum · 08/09/2011 11:32

Definitely get an appointment with a solicitor. If you contact CAB they will give you a list of local ones who will do the first session for free.

Not all men are like this. Most men will love you, be intimate with you, respect you and not fuck about with other women. He sounds like an utter wankstain and you are well rid of him.

Ignore him completely. Block him on FB. Stop contacting him and go through a solicitor as soon as you can.

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sc4rl3t · 08/09/2011 11:32

Hi, I know it's really tempting to check he's ok, but don't text him, and do defriend him on FB. He obviously doesn't want to know how you are - don't give him the opportunity to get back at you in public. Then any contact you do have can be formal, via your solicitor or in writing. I think you've been used, but fortunately not 'abused', and I really hope it doesn't take you long to find someone who'll respect you in a 'normal' healthy way. Meanwhile make sure you are safe and have someone you can confide in.
xx

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mh85 · 08/09/2011 11:33

House is in both our names, deposit was 4/5 by me, 1/5 by him... equal contributors. I just don't get why he's gone all quiet now..... probably texting other women or arranging to meet up hey? What a mug I have been :(

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sc4rl3t · 08/09/2011 11:41

But, you are young, you didn't get married to him or have kids by him, you can still do all that with someone else in the future. I know that seems impossible now, but it's true.
If you're serious about getting out of the relationship then silence really is the best way. If you try and talk you'll end up apologising, or worse. Hang tight - maybe even change the locks? (not sure about that, legally, but you want to avoid a confrontation when you least expect it.)

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mh85 · 08/09/2011 11:41

What does everyone else think about removing him from f/b? I kind of want to get angry still at him as it's just keeping me feeling that I'm doing the right thing? The more I see the more anger I have and frustration that he's just a complete waste of air who would never change.... not sure what to do about that one!

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post · 08/09/2011 11:47

Well, do you want to put your energy into him, or into yourself. I would absolutely defriend him, and give yourself a happier, clearer experience. You'll just be hurting and exhausting yourself by choosing to spend time being angry with him.
Move on, life's too short.

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mh85 · 08/09/2011 12:00

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

OK I've done it - removed him from fb completely! Wow! What a feeling.... !

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MangoMonster · 08/09/2011 12:00

Remove him. Any time you are spending thinking about him is wasted time. Life is too short. Don't drag it out, be kind to yourself and move on.

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MangoMonster · 08/09/2011 12:01

Glad you feel better. You really don't need any more evidence that he is a waste of space.

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sc4rl3t · 08/09/2011 12:04

Ok, you could I suppose block him so he can't see your friends or posts, but you can see what he is doing, but don't send him any messages via FB - it's a bit too 'friendly' when you should only be communicating via your solicitors.
And get down to CAB asap - they are often over capacity and can only see a limited number of people, so go and queue before they open, tomorrow!

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sc4rl3t · 08/09/2011 12:05

oh just refreshed, well done for deleting him! How do you think he will react?

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mh85 · 08/09/2011 12:17

TBH I think he's going to go mad... can use my sis' account to see what's happening if needed, but i'm sure it won't be long now until I get 'the phone call' or 'the text message'... he's a little shitbag! Well & truely out of it

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sc4rl3t · 08/09/2011 12:19

Don't forget to change your FB 'relationship status' as well...

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Cheaptrick · 08/09/2011 12:20

Could you call your sister and ask her to defriend him as well?

In fact any family member should defriend him!

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Cheaptrick · 08/09/2011 12:22

Also i think you need a girly night out on the town. There needs to be more of you in your head and less of him - its hard after so long but it feels so much better and more confident when you love yourself and put yourself first with out a teat holding you back and putting you down.

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mh85 · 08/09/2011 12:32

Have decided to go out with the girls on Saturday - have asked my mum and dad to dog-sit so I can really let my hair down and have some fun!

Does anyone have any ideas of why he is the way he is?

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