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I (+ 3 DC) want to separate but H refuses to move out...

(5 Posts)
tiredgingerbabe Wed 07-Sep-11 23:25:05

quick question and wondered if anyone here has advise:

H is verbally abusive. he is controlling me financially. he is controlling when I leave the house, whom I see... etc. I have posted here before (under different name). H is just mean and does anything to make me feel down and upset.

I finally have decided that I had enough. and I want H to leave. but, he is won't. he tells me to go if I don't like it anymore.

problem is: we have 3 dc, our middle child has SN. I don't have family in the uk (so nobody to join in the short term) and I only work p/t (all of which goes towards childcare, but work keeps me sane). DC are between 11 month and 5 years and as said, DC2 has SN which make it impossible to work full time and to pursue a career to better us financially :/ I have no savings either. nothing. not a single pound.

H does not earn very well either (just above 20k); i.e. I don't expect much in terms of maintenance (and I would have to battle it out, I am sure he won't be very forthcoming with his £££)

we live our own house (well, we have a big mortgage). mortgage is in joint names.

just wonder how to I go about? as said, I want separation but can't pack and move out but H won't budge either and wants me to move out.

any advice as to how to get rid of him?

cestlavielife Wed 07-Sep-11 23:31:22

Is there equity in the house?
Have you ever reported his abuse to anyone?
Speak to womens aid.

Is he suggesting he will care for all dc when you move out?
Does he want 50 50 care?

LieInsAreRarerThanTigers Thu 08-Sep-11 12:21:20

Some similarities to my situation; my dh is an alcoholic but in a way this has a similar effect to abuse/controlling behaviour as he is sometimes verbally abusive and intimidating, and I cannot leave the house (without the children) when he is around. When he is sober he likes to carry on as though there is no problem (although his is undergoing treatment/getting help re: his drinking)
I have tried three times to get him out this year but things keep failing with his other accommodation and he begs his way back home (although we have not shared a bed for about 6 months). Each time there, He goes to stay with his mum but has to come back to this area for his treatment/counselling and I dread this as he will ask to come home again next week I am sure.
If you feel that his behaviour is truly abusive you can report this - I had to get the police once to stop him coming in when he was completely plastered, as I truly feared for the children's welfare. They did a risk assessment and asked a whole lot of questions about things such as controlling your activities, money and friends, which counts as abuse. They advised me to see a solicitor immediately and file for divorce, then it would be possible to get a non-molestation order or something similar to keep him out.
I have said that I will move out with the kids if he won't go, and he does see that it would be ridiculous for him to be left in a 4-bed house while we rent a flat or something. Perhaps you can talk sense, or write it in a letter to him, but if not definitely get some proper advice from an org like Women's Aid.

LieInsAreRarerThanTigers Thu 08-Sep-11 12:22:10

Sorry that was meant to say each time he comes home there is drunken behaviour again, leading to horrible emotional scenes in front of the children.

tiredgingerbabe Thu 08-Sep-11 13:09:10

I don't think his abuse is something I could report (verbal abuse, controlling me financially, not letting me see friends etc...). but he has never been physically violent.

we have some equity in the house but nothing sells round here atm. several of our neighbours have put their houses on the market more than 1-2year ago and nobody is interested... so selling would not be an option (at least nothing in the short term).

H would not want the custody of the kids. more than anything else, he views them as a burden angry

think I will talk to WA and maybe get some legal advise as well.

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