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Got a bit physical but only because he cares (!?)

(120 Posts)
FlightofHeron Wed 07-Sep-11 10:35:06

Dp is ALWAYS going on about my weight saying I dont eat enough and am too thin. I know this isnt true so ignore him. Last night we were in bed messing around, he was on top of me and all of a sudden turned all serious and asked what I'd eating during the day. I laughed and reeled off my full days menu (including meals, biscuits, cakes etc!) and he said "don't lie. You're getting even thinner, you can see all your bones in your chest, it's gross". hmm

I pointed out to him that it's normal to be able to see chest bones and he was being silly. He argued with me saying I was obviously too thin and he wasn't going to put up with it hmm I tried to push him off me as he was starting to piss me off and he pinned me down and shouted at me that he wasn't going to stand by and watch me starve and if he had to he'd "ram food down my fucking throat." He then got off me but he hurt me arms and shoulders in the process. I'm so angry at him because he's talking absolute shit and it's really starting to get tiresome.

How the hell do I make him realise that I'm an adult and don't need him parenting me??

usualsuspect Wed 07-Sep-11 10:37:03

Leave him

FlightofHeron Wed 07-Sep-11 10:39:43

Just want to add he's never been violent and has never hit or even pushed me before.

MooncupGoddess Wed 07-Sep-11 10:39:55

Er... you dump him?

Do you have a serious history of eating disorders? In that case his behaviour is still appalling and unforgiveable but makes a little more sense.

StewieGriffinsMom Wed 07-Sep-11 10:40:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dickiedavisthunderthighs Wed 07-Sep-11 10:41:48

Are you angry with him because of what he said about your weight or angry with him because he hurt you?
Is your DP the only one who talks to you about your weight/what you eat?

fortyplus Wed 07-Sep-11 10:43:46

If you're prepared to view this as a one off incident then go to a body mass index calculator and enter your height and weight to see who's right about that.

Then you can either thank him for his (albeit misguided) concern or maybe you'll get a wake up call that you need to put on some weight.

Here's a BMI calculator that also works for children.

FlightofHeron Wed 07-Sep-11 10:47:23

No this is what is pissing me off, my mum and other family members are constantly going on about it as well but I am NOT underweight. My BMI is 20 so I'm not even close to being underweight. TBH I'm just sick of people going on about it all the time.

worldgonecrazy Wed 07-Sep-11 10:54:21

Make an appointment at the doctors, both go, and if the doctor agrees that you are too thin then you can do something about it, if the doctor says not to worry, then DP will know that he is over reacting. It sounds like badly-handled frustration and worry rather than abuse at this point.

HedleyLamarr Wed 07-Sep-11 10:54:53

I'm in the same boat. I eat a "normal" amount of food, have a balanced diet and never put weight on. I've always been slim, and don't mind what others think anymore.

worldgonecrazy Wed 07-Sep-11 10:56:37

p.s. you also need to get your BMI checked with a body fat measurer, not just based on height and weight. For instance my husband is a very large build so technically on height/weight would have a BMI of 35 but when done on muscle versus fat, he's BMI is only 28.

FlightofHeron Wed 07-Sep-11 10:59:07

It's so frustrating though because I should be allowed to eat what I want and not feel under pressure because of what other people think. I no longer eat with family members etc for this reason because a family meal turns into a study of what I eat.

I'm not even that thin!! It's not like I'm a size 6 or anything, I'm a normal weight, normal dress size, ok I don't eat ALOT but I'm not going to gorge myself on masses of food just to please other people.

ChippingIn Wed 07-Sep-11 10:59:09

Flight - sorry, but if all of your family and your DH are going on about it then I do think you need to go to the Drs. Take DH with you and talk it through.

I don't know if it's normal to see chest bones or not - it's been a long time since I've seen any bones grin blush<sigh>

I wouldn't be angry - he sounds really worried & scared about you.

Hedley - I'm <envy> but that doesn't stop me worrying about Flight until she's checked out by a Dr as she's obviously thinner than she used to be.

ChippingIn Wed 07-Sep-11 10:59:52

Flight - how tall are you and how much do you weigh? How much did you weight this time last year? The year before?

Deesus Wed 07-Sep-11 11:02:05

Agree with worldgonecrazy. Sounds the best option if it's not just your DH but other family members too. And 20 is on the borderline (assuming this is accurate) so you aren't far off being underweight.

GloriaVanderbilt Wed 07-Sep-11 11:03:20

I don't know if it's really relevant to discuss the OP#s weight or eating.

That's a side issue.

Your partner was completely out of order and I think you need to get him out of your life before he gets any angrier.

This incident would be a complete deal breaker for me.

Your weight is your own issue, don't get the two things muddled up

LaurieFairyCake Wed 07-Sep-11 11:05:06

20 is on the lowish side unless you're a fashion model. Do you think that? Have you been to the doctors or had any sort of medical? Have you ever suffered from disordered eating?

Obviously he sounds like he behaved like an arse and the way he shouted at you is completely unacceptable. If this is a one off (the abuse) then it sounds like he is very frustrated with what he thinks is 'wrong' with you.

If he is otherwise loving and has always been so then you at least have to consider his (and you say others are going on about it too) his point of view.

I would be saying not to stay with him as it sounds like the start of abusive behaviour until you said others are going on about it too. There is more going on here than just an abusive arsehole (you still don't need to stay with someone who hurts you).

You need to consider whether you are physically healthy - if people are constantly raising it with you then there may be a problem.

Deesus Wed 07-Sep-11 11:05:53

Sorry I didn't mean to ignore the partner's behaviour. To be fair I think there are two distinct issues here. OP's partner's behaviour and the OP's weight. I only commented on the weight issue as OP said her family are making similar comments...

dawnofthedumb Wed 07-Sep-11 11:06:27

Well, the way he's handled it is not acceptable at all and he needs to be made to understand that.

But... if this is something that comes up over and over again - not just with him but with several other members of your family - then maybe there is an issue with your weight? It does sound as if they are worried and you are feeling defensive - the problem needs to be sorted one way or another?

It depends what you mean by chest bones, really. Clavicle - yes, ribs - maybe not so much. But it's hard to judge without seeing you!

GloriaVanderbilt Wed 07-Sep-11 11:09:24

'if he had to he'd "ram food down my fucking throat."'

Sounds a right charmer.

How could you be with someone who would even SAY that ONCE?

'because he cares' is the oldest excuse for abuse in the book. Utter bollocks and he basically wanted an excuse to hurt/threaten you. No genuinely nice person would ever talk to their partner like that even if she was about to kill herself.

Hullygully Wed 07-Sep-11 11:10:28

It sounds like he's terribly worried about you tbh.

LaurieFairyCake Wed 07-Sep-11 11:11:50

I am not saying that this is the case but I have had parents in my office saying exactly that in tears of frustration to their children. Watching your child starving to death (and feel powerless to help them) is incredibly difficult.

ShoutyHamster Wed 07-Sep-11 11:13:03


Not acceptable behaviour under any circumstances.

And shows a STUNNING lack of consideration or understanding, in that: so, his answer to worrying that his partner may have an issue or disorder is to scream, physically restrain, threaten her until she agrees NOT to have an issue?

So what would he do if you developed, say, PND or any other depression? Beat it out of you? If your kids had any developmental or behavioural issues - slap them into obedience/happiness?

You can do a lot, lot better than this one, OP. And quite frankly, if it's HIM that has an issue with your weight rather than there being any health issue, then cut your losses now, because he's the one with the problem, and it isn't gonig to be an easy one to solve. You're right - your eating is your responsibility - he doesn't think it is, he thinks you need to obey him.

Leave right now, if only to demonstrate to him that physical violence or restraint is a dealbreaker. Talk after that if you must, but for God's sake send the message now - DEALBREAKER.

dickiedavisthunderthighs Wed 07-Sep-11 11:13:10

Gloria perfectly nice people can do things incredibly out of character when they are feeling an extreme of emotion, and there is a big thing going on here with OP's weight if her family are involved as well.
I think a blanket call of LEAVE THE BASTARD is pretty short sighted.

StewieGriffinsMom Wed 07-Sep-11 11:13:17

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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