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Tusting in new relationships after being cheated on

(4 Posts)
howtotrust Wed 07-Sep-11 10:02:08

My EXH had an affair when I was pregnant. I had never thought he would do anything like this as he has always appeared so reliable and was completely shocked by his behaviour. That for me was the end of our relationship. I waited a long time before getting involved with anyone else as I was very busy with my DD and also because I wanted to be happy on my own first and not carry loads of emotional angst into another relationship.

I now have a BF who I have been seeing for 6 months. I have been on super high alert for red flags (I so wish I had been a MNer when I was dating my EXH) and have been doing my best not to get too emotionally attached too quickly. In fact I try to tell myself it is just a 'sex thing' when actually that sort of relationship is not remotely my style and I am really just kidding myself. My new BF does appear to be a lovely man and has not done anything to upset me or make me wary about him.

However, because of what happened last time round and how I obviously got it so wrong with my EXH I am finding it difficult to relax and not to have little doubts in my mind. I am terrified of making another mistake and screwing things up not only for myself but for my DD too (she has not met BF and who knows when I will think it is the right time). So how do you manage to trust a new partner after someone has cheated on you? I have to fight with myself not to check my BF's mobile when he has done NOTHING to make me suspicious. Or when he is out with his mates I find myself sometimes thinking, what if he is out with another woman? I hate being this stupid, suspicious and irrational woman who needs to get a grip.

nametapes Wed 07-Sep-11 15:48:23

You are not stupid and not irrational. It is quite understandable that you feel this way. Your Exlet you down when you were at your most vulnerable.
All i can suggest if that you take plenty of time getting to know him, dont jump in too deep with both feet at once.
6 months is a fair enough time to learn a bit about him. I find by two years then you really are learning all about him. I have been with my fella over 3 yrs now and only now do i really truly know him, and how he behaves.

I always think the first year or so they are on their good behaviour, its after this time you start to see all their faults. And we all have faults , dont get me wrong.
There are few a books written by Susan Jeffers . She says you must open your heart to someone, try to trust them, be yourself, be open and try to share you feelings . Dont act defensive, and do things out of fear, mistrust, and suspicion. Think rationally,, if you make him happy, and you both get on well, and he seems like a stable , kind and caring, considerate man then all you can do is hope and pray he is going to be ok, and not let you down.
People tend to cheat on their partner if there is something wrong with the relationship. by the sound of it, your relationship sounds fine. Obviously you dont know yet how he is going to be with your child. Only time will tell....
Wishing you all the luck there is.. xxx

nametapes Wed 07-Sep-11 15:53:48

Writer Susan Jeffers: 'Opening Our Hearts to Men" might be a good book for you to read.

howtotrust Wed 07-Sep-11 21:33:51

Thanks for the great advice nametapes and I will definitely take a look at the book you have recommended as it looks like an interesting read. I think that you are right, time is the key. Plus I do want to be open and try to share my feelings more. I have always been trusting and open in past relationships, it just feels like such a massive risk this time around. I have this mad idea that if I haven't acknowledged or verbalised my feelings then perhaps I won't feel as hurt if it all goes wrong. But that sounds ridiculous to me even as I write it. I really don't want my attitude to relationships clouded forever by the crappy behaviour of my EXH, that is giving him too greater influence over my life for a start, so I need to do my best to get past this pessimistic outlook and move on.

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