I just busted my husband talking to a woman on a porn website

[Katyev]

Hi

1st time poster here just looking for a little advice.

Just caught my husband out asking a lady to do things for him on a live porn website. He says it's only the 2nd (or 3rd) time he's ever done it and he's guilty and ashamed and wont do it again - as I'm sure anyone would!

Since we had our baby (6 months ago) our sex life has been pretty rubbish and I'm not dumb - I know men look at porn. But I just feel that talking to someone online makes it that bit more personal (almost like he's cheating on me). - although I realise I'm doing the same thing here!

I'm not sure how to respond. I've always had 100% trust in him and I feel like this opens a can of worms - can I trust him. I'm thinking has he really done this 2 or 3 times and is there more to it than he says. Should I be hurt / angry ... or should I accept that he needed an outlet from elsewhere?!

He's my best pal and I don't want this to become a major issue but I feel it could.

What do you advise?

[Doha]

1. that ain't no lady he conversing with
   
2. no wonder your sex life has been a bit off recently, he has been getting it elsehwhere
   3)It's cheating on you and you marriage
   4)I would bet it has been more that 2 or 3 times
   
3. knobhead
   
4. He is guilty because he has been caught -not guilty about what he as been doing
   
   This may or maynot be a big thing. Some women can live with porn and porn "infidelity" in their lives, others can't.
   Only you can decide

[babyhammock]

Firstly you being on here is not the same!
I would not be happy about this at all and you're taking a far more reasonable stance on this than I would.

How would he feel if it was you getting men to 'do stuff for you' on a live porn channel. That should separate the men from the boys

[Katyev]

"1) that ain't no lady he conversing with"

• Thanks for making me laugh Doha. I needed that!
  

I guess you're right... only I can decide - and I haven't quite figured out how I should feel yet. But, for the 1st time in 9 years, I do feel like I can't fully trust him.

[moondog]

How much does that cost to do that?

[windsorTides]

You don't need to figure out how you "should" feel though - just trust what you do feel.

Perhaps what you mean by this is that you have been conditioned to believe that all men view porn and that their partners should accept it and not worry about it? Not so. Not all men use porn, for starters.

The reason the sites your H uses exist is because porn makers know that once someone has an addiction to porn, he will seek out greater thrills via live, interactive porn sites. I very much doubt he has used these sites 2-3 times and the only reason he is ashamed is because he's been caught doing it.

Meanwhile, you've been robbed of a sex life while he's been using these sites and interacting with real women. He's been keeping secrets from you and deceiving you.

That being the case, you have every right to feel that he has violated the terms of your marriage. Trust what your instincts and sense of right and wrong are telling you about this. If it's unacceptable to you, then say so. Lots of people detest porn (men and women) and don't want it blighting their relationships. Because that is the reality.

Quite apart from the ethics of how porn is actually made and the wider political issues, porn damages relationships. Interactive sites, especially so.

[FabbyChic]

Looking is one thing, but initiating contact and paying for it because that is what he has to do he has to pay via PayPal or credit card for these things he wants done.

He has overstepped the boundary between being a watcher to being someone who joins in, he no doubt wanks whilst they are performing and they are performing for him.

Tell he he has overstepped the mark and if it ever happens again you have to consider whether or not you want to be with someone who does that type of thing.

[Katyev]

"you have been conditioned to believe that all men view porn and that their partners should accept it and not worry about it?"

I agree windsorTides - that is just what I felt I should think. And as you say - that seems to have lead to his need to seek greater thrills.

Hmmm - I think it's ok to be mad at him!! I've always trusted him before, and now I don't. It's pretty crappy.

[windsorTides]

I thought so. Out of interest, what made you feel like that? That men will be men and women should just put up with it? Is that what your female friends think too?

Now you've given yourself permission to feel angry, think carefully about the approach you will take. One approach is to insist he stops using porn and these sites and hope for the best, but the downside to this is that he may well continue to use them in secret, get better at hiding his activities and degenerate into finding real-life sex partners (this trajectory happens a lot). You might also find yourself not looking, in case you'll have to follow through on any threats you might be inclined to make right now.

Or you embark upon some discussions about porn, sexual fidelity and the wider issues about keeping secrets in your relationship. This means him being open with you about an aspect of his sexuality that he has previously with-held from you and discussing how this can be incorporated into your marriage, notwithstanding the fact that you've got a young baby. You might also both benefit from doing some reading about the politics of porn, the links with female abuse and the effects it is having on intimate relationships - especially the increasing incidence of infidelity in people with a secret porn habit.

Above all, don't feel worried about stating and enforcing your boundaries. What your H has been doing would be unacceptable to most people - even those who are liberal about occasional porn use. As someone also suggested, I doubt your H would be thrilled if you were paying men to perform for you online while you orgasmed, but what he or other people would tolerate genuinely doesn't matter.

It's what you think that is important. He is then free to either work with you on this, or against you.

[AnyFucker]

although I realise I'm doing the same thing here!

There is no comparison between asking other women for advice about a shitty thing your H has done and paying for interactive sex

Because what he did is cheating. It is a mutual sex act. You don't think he sat there and just watched do you ?

I would divorce my husband for this.

Alternatively, you could take a more measured view, like the marvellous post of WindsorTides' details.

[CHANGEDNAMESFORTHIS]

I cannot believe what I have just read in your post - you could be me. I found out about this just a few nights ago with my husband. Before I have 'the' discussion with him about it I want to find out as much as I can about this. I saw it in his favourites, but the trace was deleted in the history so I think he's being pretty sly about it and therefore want to know as much as I can before I talk to him. I presume it must cost for this? Also I believe he has actually had a 2 way cam sex thing.

Any other ways I can find out how often he has used these sites if he is deleting from browser history does anyone know?

Anyway sorry you're in this situation.

[Katyev]

Hi Ladies

Thanks so much for listening and giving me your thoughts. I've found it more helpful than you can know. My H is usually my soundboard for things, but obviously he can't be this time!

I think it's time to have a discussion with him about what is reasonable behaviour and as windsorTides suggests try to keep the discussion open or else I risk him being even more secretive and driving a wedge between us. But it is so important that he understands that its not normal behaviour.

CHANGEDNAMESFORTHIS - I'm not sure how to check a browser history if he's deleted the trace (I caught my H in the act!) - bank statements maybe? Best of luck with the discussion though!

[G1nger]

He's overstepped the mark, which has to be particularly upsetting given that your sex life is poor at the moment. But do remember that those sites are all about cheap, sexual thrills - nothing serious. You need to make clear again what the boundaries are (can he look at photos/videos without a personal element?) and tell him how much he has upset/hurt/offended you and why. Sites like xtube are full of people asking to "cam 2 cam" - but if my partner did it without getting permission from me first (every couple has their rules. And personally I'd say no!) then I'd have serious words to say. But none of this is earth-shattering, so please don't allow it to be.

[AnyFucker]

ChangedNamesforthis...check bank statements, credit card bills and mobile phone SMS/text messages

[AnyFucker]

I really don't understand why anyone is forced to point out to another grown adult what is/isn't appropriate boundaries wrt the use of interactive porn

stop letting these men off the hook

What are you saying ? That he doesn't understand that what he is doing is wrong ? (presuming he is fully aware that he is meant to be in a committed relationship with you). Of course he knows it's wrong, but he did it anyway.

[niceguy2]

Yes what your husband did was wrong. Let's not beat around that bush. But before you succumb to the inevitable "dump the bastard" posts and assume he's automatically shagging everything he can, let me give you an example of my friend.

My mate's wife found him on a similar website where you webcam women. Much aggro ensued and my mate was cut up about it. Did he love his wife. Yes undoubtedly. Did they have a good sex life. Actually yes.

So why did he do it? Well for him he was quite simply bored. Night after night his wife was either working or sleeping. Yes I know she's tired...working well they have to blah blah.

But ultimately night after night he's sat in the house on his own. Kids in bed. Wife either ignoring him working or asleep. The boredom led him to look for some excitement.

And that could be what your husband is looking for. A bit of excitement in life. You've got a 6 month old. Sex is not high on your priority list. I bet he's even not high on your list.

I'm not using this to try and say you are to blame. But just to try and give you maybe a possible insight into his mind.

It's not cheating per se. An affair to me is where you emotionally or intentionally cheat. This is neither. Just interactive porn really.

[IfoundmyGspot]

If I found my DH doing that i'd shove him out of the way, go to the male section and start admiring the monster cocks and make out I was going to have a bit of fun online with a young handsome guy that had the biggest todger I could find and I'd make sure DH knew that before telling him to fuck off to bed and leave me in peace.

Once he'd sloped off I'd log off and carry on watching TV.

Its a fucker but not worth wrecking a marriage over IMHO

[AnyFucker]

Just interactive porn really.

Some people don't find that to be an admissable justification.

[dawnofthedumb]

Couldn't he have just read a book, niceguy? That's what I do when I'm bored...

[AnyFucker]

Interactive porn as a time-filling hobby... lovely

I can thing of better things to do as a hobby

[electra]

lol @ kerrymumbles

I would be really angry about this - it is cheating in my view because he's interacting with someone. I don't generally have a problem with porn but interactive porn completely different imo.

[chipstick10]

Poor you, sending you a hug. . I would love to be computer savvy, get into the history and see what my dh does on the computer.

[HenriettaFarthingay]

Yeah, it's cheating and dirty and sordid. You have to introduce some ground rules, but I'm afraid that the loss of respect for him would be a hard one to get around. I hope you can get through this OP.

[garlicnutter]

It's distance prostitution. Why does no-one ever say this?
If you wouldn't be happy about your partner using prostitutes, you wouldn't be happy about him using 'sexcams'. He's paying another woman to have video sex with him. As people have already said, this generally goes on to the flesh-and-blood variety, if he hasn't already.

I'm really sorry both of you have found out like this and, as always with cheating partners, the lying is almost worse than the infidelity. I hope you manage to regain honesty in your relationships, however that turns out.