I have an on-going issue with my Dad and coul use some perspective. Sometimes things get blown up in your own head into bigger issues than they should be. I don't know how to approach the situation to make it better and make it what i'd like it to be.
so, a bit of background.
When I was young I had a stable family unit of me, brother, sister, mum and dad. Extended family was only really mum's parents and an aunt & family on mum's side. Dad's parents died when we were little and he wasn't close to his brother, although we saw him on occassion.
My mum died 8 years ago when I was 24. I was already married and living with my dh. A year later I had dd. Then in 2007 had ds.
My dad met his now wife under a year after mum died. I had no issue with this as such, obv it was very quick and for us (the dc) it was quite hard, but we all told Dad we were happy for him, told him yes it was quite quick for us but that was fine. I told him that I know it's quick for us but I appreciate from his pov losing mum was an entirely different scenario. He spent the winter months being quite dependant on my going round for dinnner, calling etc, which was fine, but I could see he was lonely, very very lonely and very unhappy. My brother was 17 when mum died and that year went on to complete his A-levels and just after Dad met hiw now wife (i'll call her sm for ease) went off to Uni, this was always his plan and I believe that Dad would have dreaded this. Being alone in our family home and not having anyone there everyday.
So it was hard but we all understood why it was quick.
I should point out too that SM has 2 children herself. So there are 5 children between SM and Dad.
That year I also had dd. I met the SM when I was heavily pg, so she always knew that with dad came 3 dc and gc.
They have never shown much interest in my dc, which I have grown to accept as just one of those things.
However, a few weeks ago Dad & sm offered to take my dc out for the day, I was shocked and pleased and wondered why, all of a sudden they offered? But I took it at face value, said yes and they all had fun.
The morning they had them for the day SM told me some news. Her dd is pg. Fantastic news! However, dh says that this is why they choose to take our dc out all of a sudden. He is convinced Dad/SM will be much more involved with this gc once it arrives and that I will become very angry that Dad has never bothered too much with my dc. Which if this comes true I will be cross, and I think justifiably.
There?s so much I could write about explaining the different ways I feel Dad?s dc are treated differently to SM?s dc, particularly her dd, but I don?t want to write an epic op 
The latest niggle for me, is that SM?s dd & her dh moved house last Friday and I spoke to Dad thurs and her told me they were helping them move. Which is fine, but as I said to him I would?ve loved a bit of help when I moved but they never even mentioned it!! At the time it didn?t occur to me, but I have always grown up being taught that we are treated equally, me, sis & bro. Now it feels very much in favour of Sm?s dc.
My question really is how do I approach my Dad to discuss this? I would need SM to be there too so she knows how I feel. I need to do something because I have tried to leave it, to see if it naturally sorts itself out but I think sm's dd now being pg is going to bring things to a head and I would rather do it calmly than get so upset it all comes tumbling out. I have thought about writing to him so that I can say how I feel without being face to face or getting upset and angry.
I truly sometimes feel that since Mum died I have no parents, which is awful. Dad is here, very much here and the old Dad would be devastated to here I refer to him as old Dad and New dad. I appreciate that after Mum dying things had to change, I am glad he has found someone. They go off on holiday and are normally off here and there at weekends, which is fab. I just want him to either (a) see us more or (b) do the same to all of us.
They don?t treat us the same. One example being last Christmas. SM?s dc there Christmas day/boxing day. My bro and sis the day after boxing day, but me New year?s day 
and don?t think this was unintentional because I asked if we could come the same day as my bro and sis and was told no!! When I questioned it I was told that with all of us there it was too many people.Now don?t get me wrong it is a lot of people, but hardly a squeeze in a large 5 bed detached house!! They now appear to visit me/bro/sis in rotation, so I get one week, sis the next, and bro week after. This isn?t a regular thing, so I am not expecting them to take up 3 out 4 weekends every month with us dc, but we?re talking once or twice in a year that they visit or invite us round. Surely it?d be easier and less time consuming to see us all together? Bedlam at the time but all done and over in one week?
Sorry it?s long and muddled.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Should I speak to my Dad about our relationship, can I make it better or will I make it worse?
Eddas · 06/09/2011 21:42
well probably, but I wasn't sure whether to say that or not on here (thread the other day put me off!!)
It has been pointed out to my Dad. I was in floods of tears down the phone to him one day about something, said he never saw my dc and when SM's dd had children he'd see them all the time. He said they wouldn't but I don't see it.
I'm not jealous of my step-sis at all. What I don't like is that they (Dad & step-mother) seem to favour her, even over step-brother and I think it's unfair. We should all be treated equally.
Another example of unfairness, when they got married step-sis was bridesmaid, step-brother gave SM away, my bro was usher and my sis signed the register. Me? Well I was shoved in the corner whilst they were all on the top table 
actually my sis was in the corner with me. My dd on the other hand wasn't even invited at first as they were having a childfree wedding. Nothing against that but 100% honestly my dd was the ONLY child that could possibly have been invited. Now with that issue, I said that I wasn't happy and that if that was their decision fine but I was upset that the ONLY child in the entire family/friends was my dd and how could they exclude her.
anyway that wa a bit of a tangent, but really, I am not jealous of step-sis. I just want my Dad back.
oh and my brother has had a conversation with Dad saying that we (me/bro/sis) aren't happy and that we don't understand how things can change so much between us all.
I have now made my dh promise that if I die before him he will NEVER do this to our dc, he will always put them first.
I appreciate that sounds precious as we are now all adults. I know things have to change, life moves on, but why does life moving on mean I lose a previously wonderful father to be replaced with someone, who I know still cares but doesn't show it
Thank you for your post. I'm sorry to hear what you went through. I have always said that when Dad isn't here we will not see SM. It's not that I don't like her, but she has not shown interest in us at all so why would we?
another funny example of dad/sm, my sister had a chat with SM re her wedding and mentioned Dad giving her away. SM wa overcome with excitment running to tell Dad that my sis had asked him to give her away. WTF, of course he would HE'S HER DAD!!! Then Dad on the phone to me, after I said my dd would be bridesmaid 'well this IS going to be a family affair isn't it' erm YES!!
There's no hope is there
I think I know that really
I will either carry on this charade and have some contact or I fear I will end up mentioning it and causing problems. Which isn't what I want. What I want is for Dad to realise and step up, or as my sister's fiance says 'he needs to grow a pair'
As already mentioned women tend to 'run' families and men tag along.
I think you are missing the dad you would have had if your mum was still here to 'run' things.
Like with moving house - your mum would have helped automatically and therefore your dad would have too. That's what happened with step sis - your dad was automatically involved cause his wife was.
I bet he would have helped you had you asked. It's crap you have to ask but I don't think he's doing it deliberately. for you
It probably doesn't help to say that imo the villain of the piece here is your SM. What a cow.
However, your dad is an adult. Being led around by wifey is not exactly manly is it? It's not on to let her run his life and his priorities. I don't care if he's 80 (which he isn't if he's still working), he still needs to honour his commitments, show his love for you all. I think if you just go along with this it will continue exactly as it is, probably get worse as more gc come along. I do think you have to say something/approach this. a letter might be a good idea - she will read it mind, so careful you don't stray into slagging her or her dc off, however indirectly. Or perhaps all you three dc's could approach him together, as it sounds as though you are all experiencing pretty much the same thing.
Interested to hear that her dd is a bit of a princess. what#s that saying about apples not falling far from the tree? 
Finally, you are absolutely right, mums do tent to 'just do it' you don't need to ask. One thing we were taught as kids wa that it is rude to ask, wait to be asked. Not about everything, but I do often feel that perhaps things are obvious, like i'm moving perhaps I needed help? But his reaction when I said 'oh your helping them, I could used a hand when I moved but I did it alone as dh went to work' was all 'but but' well you were ok. There's is an assumption I can cope, because on the outside I do.
However, when I rang him in floods of tears one day (i don't do this often btw ) saying dh and I never get a chance to go out, I am really down at the moment could you and SM babysit one evening, any day, not this week but in a week/month then that would really help. I could use something to look forward to. The repsons? I'll chat to SM and i'm sure we'll sort something. Then a day or so later a call to say NO!!
UNfortuately I do think this is SM not Dad, and I am in no way anti SM, I have tried, I really have, but whenever something comes up he talks to her and the response is negative.
A few examples;
I asked to borrow smoe money for 3 months. We needed to install heating in our new house and our mortgage was up for renewal 3 months down the line, but as it was winter and dd was 2 kinda needed it before we could get the money via the mortgage. Dad has always always said to ask him and if he can help he will. Now I know he has the money, as he has said that they were keeping £x for each dc for when they got their first house (I had had mine) I was asking to borrow in effect 1/4 of the money they had put aside. I knew my bro & sis wouldn't need the money before I paid it back as sis was single and Bro was at uni.
So I called and asked Dad, he said, quite rightly, i'll need to pass it by SM. anyway as you can imagine the answer came back no. A range of blah blah excuses came but basically NO. Dad/SM had dinner with my uncle a few days later and SM told him all of this (why? but that's another question altogether) anyhow, as I said in op I have never been close to my uncle as Dad and him never really were close. However my Uncle rang me after deeing Dad/SM and was mortified Dad had said no, said he was sure it was SM not Dad and that he would lend me the money.
Another example, After my call asking for help so we could go out my brother came to visit. He had an envelope from Dad for me. In it was a cheque and letter. The letter said along the lines of 'here's some money that I hope will help you take dc out for a few days over the hols. Please don't tell SM as this is money from my sole account'. Similarly DH recently got a promotion which required a 2nd car. Dad became 'old' Dad for a while, ringing with ideas of how we could get a reliable car and not be too expensive (he knows we struggle for money and that dh's promotion is good for us, but he had a 30mile trip so needed a reliable car) so he comes up with a fab idea, oviously been online finding out about deals etc etc. Great 'old' Dad, yay!! Then he says and if you do this I will give you £800 but you must'nt tell SM.
So 'old' Dad is still there sometimes. Maybe I just need to be clear and not expect him to just 'know'. I just don't feel like I should have to. I feel like i'm always moaning and I don't want to, I do that enough at my dc
One final example, this time for my brother. He had finished uni but didn't have ajob lined up, as is usual. SM says he has to pay £x in rent, which was what step-sis & her bf paid when they lived there (ie 2 people paying what bro was due to pay) so Dad says but don't worry you won't have to pay that much and not til you are working. She was seriosuly going to ask for money from him as soon as his degree was finished, no chance to find a job at all. BTW he did find a job and paid rent for about a month til he could get a flat with his gf and get away from their house.
springy, you're right she would read a letter, but I want that, I want her to know. All of my 'moans' at Dad have been just to him. I genuinely believe she doesn't have a clue how she comes across. When we meet her in person she's lovely. Says all the right things. But that's what it comes across as, just saying what she thinks she should say. We were all adults when she came along. I don't want or expect her to be a mother figure. I have mn and MIL for that!! What I want is to be her friend. I think it's sad that we all think that once Dad isn't around we literally will not see her. she's been married to Dad for 6 years now, and as he's only 63 they could be married for a long while. I bloody hope so, I don't want him to not be here she has been good for him in that he is much healthier now they are together. Before, with MUm, bless her, they were both overweight. Dad now isn't and he go to the gym, eats more healthily etc and that brilliant. They also go out on days walking etc.
ooo, thought of another gem. when I was due to have dd, Dad/SM had arranged to go to Paris for a few days so there I was having lost my mum 11 months ago, due to give birth, scared, as you are, and they go on holiday I really needed him, but what did I do? Was I selfish? no, I said that's ok, you can see dd when you get back
But, I suppose I didn't tell him so how would he have known? But he should've known. He's my dad.
Maybe the way forward is to accept that what has been and done,, is gone. Can't be changed. I don't want to be one of those people raking up the past. I need to tell him in the future, even if I end up the bitch/moany. I have put up with 7 years of this and tried to see if it would sort itself out and it hasn't. Why should I and my brother and sister constantly end up miserable?
thanks springy 
you made me laugh, I don't want to paint her as the wicked step-mother but as CailinDana said she is either deliberately or unconsciously making us unhappy. I genuinely believe it is an unconsious thing as some things she says come across as unbelieveable ridiculous, but I don't think she means to be horrible. EG she has discussed a previous bf of mine with me infront of my dh, saying how wonderful bf was and how Dad thought we'd be together for ever. She never even met him, we broke up in 1998 and SM came along in 2004!! She also had a similar discussion re one of my sis's bf infront of her current bf luckily my dh and my sis bf laughed it off as just another of SM's inconsiderate comments.
The more I type the more it comes across as a SM hating thread, which I don't mean it to!! I'm trying to convey how she comes across to us but that I don't hate her for it, I just don't think she thinks before speaking and this is why I need HER to know how we feel not just Dad. I think to change she needs to know.
And I guess it's easier to blame/hate her than it is to blame your lovely dad
You and your brother and sister clearly get on well. Can you present more of a united front? As in, no separate visiting of you by your dad and SM - it's all of you in one go. Can any of you host them (and the rest of you) for Christmas or other events?
Is there a reason why your SM seems to be separating you/treating your differently to your sis and bro? Are you seen as competition to the same age as your step-sister?
Perhaps your dad just needs you to spell it out to him more often. Like when your DD was born. He heard you say it was fine for him to go on holiday. Even if he knew it was a dodgy call, he has you saying it's ok, your SM knows you said it was ok. Therefore neither of them have to consider what you didn't say: "I want my dad"
pork I shall suggest we host an event, perhaps for my bday in a Nov, my sis is notoriously hard to get booked in
I suppose I could be more of a threat in a way as I already had dh, my own home, and very nearly my own dc when SM came along, i'm also not one to take things I don't like, which is ironic! I can be blunt, but don't mean to be.
If it makes any difference the ages of dc are
My sister 35
Me 32
Step brother 32
Step sis 26 ish (not quite sure 
)
My brother 25
so we are all the same age really.
Oh and the other main difference is that none of the others have dc and I do. SM told my MIL once that she didn't like children MIL is VERY child orientated, she has 3 dc, married her now dh who has 3 dc, and there are 6 gc, so not really the right person to tell 'I don't like dc' Curiously MIL thinks the same as me, that once step-sis has the baby SM won't be there as much as step-sis thinks she will be. SM made a point of telling me once about her childcare arrangements with her children, ie don't ask me coz I didn't ask my mum!
Don’t want to miss threads like this?
Weekly
Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!
Log in to update your newsletter preferences.
You've subscribed!
nope, got to come back and say a bit more:
you may be blunt but imo blunt people are put in families for a reason. I may be slightly biased here, being a 'blunt' person myself, but there is often one who sees and says things clearly. you may be aware of this, as I am about myself, re everybody reactes like this -> at the things we say and we think what? what did I say? when it's quite clear to us that we are just stating the obvious. However, a lot of people don't like the obvious being stated. If you're anything like me you can become ultra-accommodating to avoid the faces.
Girl, be yourself. It may be that for just such a time as this you are the blunt spokesperson who pushes for a resolution. A lot of people grumble and complain but do nothing about it, not wanting to push the boat out and create a scene - stage left: blunt person who says it like it is. I think the gloves need to come off a bit here. Where's your dad? What's happened to him? Where's he gone? I think you need to find out and fight for him. It may be his 'fault' it may be hers the witch (not trying to influence you there OP): who cares, you just want your dad back.
springy you're right, spot on in fact. I do try to be measured in my responses rather than my bluntness being rude, I know it can come across that way but it is as you say, it's often obvious. I remember my mum asked me a question once and clearly didn't like my reply but I said 'if you don't want my opinion don't ask the question!' which is blunt but she said fair enough! Another friend I used to shop with (pre dc and when we had money ) said she'd like shopping with me because i'd always say if I didn't like something but rather than say 'you look like aawful in that' i'd always say 'I think I prefer that one' or 'the colour isn't right'.
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.