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Am sat in the car. What do I do?

(56 Posts)
CarouselLover Tue 06-Sep-11 19:11:59

I've just walked out and I don't really know what to do now.. Am sitting in my car crying and shaking like a leaf because DP went into a rage and threw stuff around the flat. Not totally trashed but it was awful and I was really frightened. This was about an hour ago, I just put some clothes in a bag and walked out..

Been with DP for 2 and a half years and we've been through quite a lot together in that time. Tonight though, I feel like he's crossed a line. He is usually a wonderful man, is very loving and attentive etc but sometimes when he drinks he can be quite verbally nasty toward me. This doesn't happen every time he drinks, usually when he's feeling down or something shit has happened that day (like his ex telling him he can't see his DC). Most of the time when he drinks he's just extra talkative and jolly.

So anyway, a few weeks ago he lost his job. He's been distracted from it for most of the time since then by visiting family but they've gone home now so he's back to job searching. I came home from work yesterday to find he'd been sleeping all afternoon (and possibly drinking because I could smell beer but he denied it) but I brushed it aside hoping it would just be a one-off.

I came home today and couldn't get into the flat because he's lost his keys and he had mine. I was ringing the buzzer for ages and ages before he finally answered. Turns out he was asleep again but today it was a heavy, drink induced and he's been smoking cigarettes as well, which he knows I hate. He was acting very groggy and I was asking whats going on? why has he been drinking all day? has he searched for a job at all? etc. I was going on at him, admittedl,y but last time he was out of work it lasted a year and I just can't do that again! He wasn't answering and tried to push me out of the kitchen where we were standing so I'd stop asking him questions but I wouldn't be pushed out so he stopped pushing me and I walked into the kitchen saying "so what have you been doing all day apart from drinking? Anything?" that's when he flipped out and started throwing stuff all over the place, went onto the bathroom (still throwing anything in reach) and slammed the door.

I know I sound like a right harpy going on at him like that but I just don't know how to deal with his depressive episodes! I know I handled it all wrong but I cant take another year of supporting him, I feel like he isn't even trying to find another job! He really frightened me and I don't know what to do, am just sat here in tears.. Please don't tell me to leave him, I love him. I just want to know how to help him and let him know I won't tolerate this happening again. 

He hasn't called or text since I left an hour ago. What do I do?? Do I go back and try to talk to him? Or do I go with my initial instinct and go and stay at my sisters for the night? Help!

garlicnutter Tue 06-Sep-11 19:17:31

Stay at your sister's. There's a lot to come out in the wash. Keep posting if it helps; there'll be more people here a bit later. So sorry, that must have been terrifying. You need to be with someone who'll take care of you.

Lilyloo Tue 06-Sep-11 19:19:00

Go to your sisters. If he has been drinking he needs to sober up before you can have a real conversation with him anyway.

lookbutdonttouch Tue 06-Sep-11 19:22:01

Agree with Lily, go to your sister's. Get some space between you.

He needs to calm down and sober up and you need some support. I wouldn't be going back tonight frankly.

The clever posters will be along shortly...

blodyn83 Tue 06-Sep-11 19:22:08

Definitely go to your sister's! He's obviously in no mood to talk to you rationally.

I really feel for you, I was in a similar situation with my ex and I stupidly let it go on for over a year. I too thought it was my fault for winding him up but I know now that this kind of behaviour is NEVER acceptable! And the phrase 'but he's lovely when he's sober...' does not excuse it either.

I finally got the courage to leave when he stopped taking it out on the furniture and started taking it out on me. Don't let it get that far... xxx

cazinski Tue 06-Sep-11 19:23:20

Get yourself over to your sisters. It'll be the best place for you tonight, you can talk things through with her and clear your head. I can only see another arguement brewing if you go back inside your flat. Give everyne chance to calm down. Dont think too much about him not texting you, that's men for you. Take care of yourself chick and make sure you are safe tonight. Other Mntters will be along with much better advice soon, but for now drive to your sisters and tell her to put the kettle on. Or better still a nice wine HUGS

HairyGrotter Tue 06-Sep-11 19:24:28

I'd stick with the plan to go to your sisters, let him sober up and let him contact you. Get yourself out of there.

TheOriginalFAB Tue 06-Sep-11 19:25:36

Definitely go to your sister's. There is no point telling him it can't happen again until you plan to actually leave him when he does lose it again.

CarouselLover Tue 06-Sep-11 19:25:44

I just can't believe he flipped like that. I'm still shaking...

CarouselLover Tue 06-Sep-11 19:29:13

On the bus to my sisters now. Don't know if I want to tell her about it...

TheOriginalFAB Tue 06-Sep-11 19:34:23

Why not?

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow Tue 06-Sep-11 19:34:23

He flipped because he chose to.

This isn't the first time he has been verbally abusive to you; his lack of respect for you through such actions clearly pre-date the loss of his job.

He has truly frightened you.

And you're blaming yourself?

You can't "help" him. Only he can do that. But the only only way you stand a chance of him not doing this again, a chance of him not escalating to something worse over time, is if you leave and stay away until he has gotten his act together. Otherwise, he will have no incentive to examine his behaviour, and alter it if he so chooses. Staying after a violent incident like that is condoning it, and setting the stage for the future. Leaving now and staying away until he is is able to demonstrate through his actions that he has changed is the only way to state that a line was crossed tonight that you cannot tolerate.

HerHissyness Tue 06-Sep-11 19:44:44

Puppy knows what she's talking about CarouselLover.

Tell your sister too. This is not about your embarrassment, this is about his abuse of you.

You need real support, hiding it and protecting him while he scares the living daylights out of you will only harm YOU.

neuroticmumof3 Tue 06-Sep-11 19:44:48

I'm glad you're going to your sister's. Please don't blame yourself for what happened. He chose how to behave and is solely responsible for his violent behaviour. Thankfully it was only belongings that were thrown around this time, not you. Unfortunately this type of behaviour has a habit of escalating into violence directed at you. He's already escalated from verbal abuse to a scaring you enough for you to leave the house. He's not showing any respect for you. I know you say you love him but is this really what you want from a relationship?

CarouselLover Tue 06-Sep-11 19:49:37

This is awful. What about asking him to see someone? Getting him some help? If he does it now it won't escalate and we can move on..?

Pancakeflipper Tue 06-Sep-11 19:55:40

You couldn't stay there CL, you so did the right thing. You are scared. He needs to sober up and stop tantruming like a toddler. He is responsible for him. Not you. Relationships are a team thing. You were the only one in that team.

I can understand his frustration with life but his behaviour is not acceptable. It was horrible and sounds like you have been carrying him for quite a while.

Don't you go rushing into anything. You take your time and it will become clear what to do next.

lots of luck, will be thinking of you..

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow Tue 06-Sep-11 19:57:40

Because only he can ask for help. And only if he wants to.

You can't help him, you can't get help on his behalf since it's his problem to solve, and you can't make him want to obtain help.

All that has to come from him.

Your job is to know the limits of what you can tolerate, and protect them.

The only chance you have of him getting the message if he chooses to is to stay away until he shows through his actions, not his words that he has accepted full responsibility for his own words and actions, and reformed.

MangoMonster Tue 06-Sep-11 19:58:33

You did the right thing. Get some space between you and let him come to you then try and find a way to support him. He's obviously having a tough time but he has to try too and you can't accept that behaviour.

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 06-Sep-11 19:59:06


You cannot help anyone who ultimately does not want to be helped. You as his partner are precisely the last person who can help him and I don't mean that at all unkindly.

You are also not responsible for him and his mood swings; taking ownership of his problem is the start of a very slippery slope for you. This time he trashed the flat, next time his blows could be aimed at you and do not think he would not be capable of doing that.

You may love him yes but love is not enough in these situations because your love cannot save him. He is certainly not showing you any love or consideration is he?.

FabbyChic Tue 06-Sep-11 19:59:08

Why did you get a bus when you were in the car? Why didn't you drive.

Leave him to stew for a bit.

He needs to pull himself together and look for work, sitting at home drinking and sleeping is not going to help him at all but make him sink lower into a depression from which it could take years to recover.

OldLadyKnowsNothing Tue 06-Sep-11 20:00:34

Perhaps the OP is too shakey to drive?

TheOriginalFAB Tue 06-Sep-11 20:02:47

Does he think he did anything wrong? He trashed your house and hasn't contacted you to see if you are okay. Doesn't sound like someone who is sorry for what they have done or that he cares about you right now. He sees you as a nag who spoils his drinking time.

CarouselLover Tue 06-Sep-11 20:17:27

Car doesn't work, I only sat in there to get out of the wind while I thought about what to do next.

eaglewings Tue 06-Sep-11 20:21:37

Well done for going to your sisters. Don't say too much if you don't want to, hopefully she will understand.

Tonight is too early to make real decisions. You are in shock, give yourself some time to rest and reflect

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow Tue 06-Sep-11 20:22:34

It must be such a shock, Carousel. I'm sorry you're going through this.

Hopefully your sister will be a comfort to you at this time. Don't ever hesitate to reach out for help from all those who can give it.

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