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Affair question - should I see what OW looks like?

(13 Posts)
Strangedays Tue 06-Sep-11 16:47:45

Have namechanged

Sorry - I can't give details about this situation because it's unusual and would be easy to identify in RL.

My DH had a very brief affair (4 wks)- sexual at first then emotional. He confessed and has answered all questions honestly. We are working at the marriage and have started with a couples therapist and Not Just Friends. We are both hurting but hopeful.

The OW has been sent to work in his office until the end of October, when she leaves the country. He has followed all advice in Not Just Friends re ending the affair and how to behave in the workplace.

I haven't wanted to know what she looks like and he doesn't have pics but now I'm starting to be curious. I know she's not a beauty. I feel no huge animosity towards her as she made me no vows - he did.

Should I satisfy my curiosity or will that make the pain worse?
I don't even know why I'm curious or what I would hope to gain.
Any thoughts, please?

Anniegetyourgun Tue 06-Sep-11 16:55:12

I think you're better off not knowing, to be honest. Suppose she's better looking than you, you'll very likely feel inadequate. On the other hand, suppose she's ugly as sin, you'll think "he preferred that to me?" She's a symptom really, a symptom of him not being able to keep it zipped (temporarily, let's hope; even good people do bad things sometimes). He did what he did because he could, not because she was in any way better or, for that matter, worse - except perhaps morally.

She doesn't matter enough for you to take a peep at. And she's leaving the country. Result!

Aislingorla Tue 06-Sep-11 16:56:31

I don't know for sure tot it might do you good to see a photo of her, depending on how positive your own body image is. My DH's looks like an extra from a horror movie! I laughed like a drain when I saw her photo and it did me the world of good!

Strangedays Tue 06-Sep-11 16:58:40

Thanks Anniegyg
I think from what he has said, my reaction would be nearer the second one. Also, the mental pics of them together are bad enough without being able to put a real face on her. I'm just so curious though.

Strangedays Tue 06-Sep-11 17:00:19

Aislingoria - it's still a bit soon for laughing yet. I think I would more likely be angry that he'd put a munter before me and our DCs.

countingto10 Tue 06-Sep-11 17:01:48

I haven't seen OW in RL but have seen her picture on Facebook. In a way I would like to see her in rl, not meet her but observe her etc. Her and my DH's actions had a devastating effect on me and my family and I feel seeing her would help my complete closure and moving on (it's been over 2 years now). There is still the possibility of "bumping" into her and I know that when we do, it will take me back to discovery day again so as I say, it would help with closure and no more surprises smile

countingto10 Tue 06-Sep-11 17:04:25

My H's OW was a munter too - he told me straight away that she wasn't a patch on me but she was a symptom of his lack of self esteem and was all he thought he deserved and she offered it to him on a plate hmm

deburca Tue 06-Sep-11 17:20:48

OP - I saw my ex's ow and she was very pretty and all that but in ways it did me good, she was very immature and a bit vacuous. I kind of thought, ok she is pretty but so am I and I also have a brain. Its depends what you want to gain from it really. Will it help you do you think or make it worse?

sorry have to ask - what is a munter - i know its obviously someone unattractive but where does the word come from - I love it!.

G1nger Tue 06-Sep-11 18:12:45

I'd look. It's inevitable for me. I'd have to. Can you convince yourself not to?

tryinmybest Tue 06-Sep-11 18:24:45

I looked her up on FB just for my own curiosity and to be honest Im glad I did but I felt nothing! I didnt compare myself to her and had no great thoughts on her either. I wouldnt if you are hoping it might answer questions just in case it just starts more

Strangedays Tue 06-Sep-11 19:57:41

Deburca - I have no idea of the origin sorry and I'm not really comfortable using it now I've Googled it and read the definition in Urban Dictionary! I just love the sound of it and the picture it conjours up!

Tryinmybest. She's not on Facebook-I did look.

MangoMonster Tue 06-Sep-11 20:01:31

It's going to hurt whether he's attractive or not. I would really want to know too but if you want your marriage to work,maybe you should leave it in the past and concentrate on moving on.

Strangedays Wed 07-Sep-11 07:19:28

Thanks so much for your comments and I've decided to leave well alone.

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