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H told me two nights ago he's questioning his sexuality.

(98 Posts)
BitzerMaloneyAllSkinnyAndBony Tue 06-Sep-11 16:14:59

I can't believe this is happening to us, and I don't really know where to start. We got together eight years ago, have been married for four, and have a two-year-old DD. Our relationship has had a fair few ups and downs, but I've always taken him back.
For the last four years or so our sex life has been pretty much non-existent, (supposedly) due to his very low sex drive. I have found this very difficult and have tried broaching it gently, tried ignoring it, tried talking about it frankly, tried spicing things up... but nothing has changed. Over the last six months or so, he's acknowledged that this is a problem for me, that it really affects my self-esteem, and that he'll seek medical help... but he hasn't done a thing about it.
I've felt pretty down-trodden about other elements of our relationship too, possibly emotional abuse, and everything came to a head a month or so ago. I just couldn't go on any more, and told him I was leaving. We live overseas and I booked tickets for DD and I to return to the UK. The earliest tickets we could get were for 5 days later. We went, but before we left, H and I made up. Not for the first time, he promised the world to me, told me DD and I were everything to him, and not for the first time I believed him. A week after our break in the UK, things started going bad again. Two nights ago I tried to initiate sex. We didn't really get going, and we started talking. He told me he thinks he might be gay, but isn't sure.
I was pretty shocked when he told me, but must have come across as supportive because he is surprised that today I'm questioning where this leaves us. He thinks our problems are not insurmountable, and that we're both great parents to DD. It would break my heart to take her away from her dad, but what else can I do now really? I'm so very, very sad and alone.

PamBeesly Tue 06-Sep-11 16:20:40

Hi OP that is an awful situation for you to be in. Does it make sense to you that he might be gay? Looking back can you see it anywhere?
I'm so sorry for you, I think that once he said it out loud its hard to go back on it and maybe he was building up to tell you. Or else he really has an extremely low libido and can't understand it himself and is wondering if he is gay. It may not mean 100% he is.
You must be in shock, I haven't anything else to add except a bit of online support.

ElephantsAndMiasmas Tue 06-Sep-11 16:27:47

It sounds to me like he is definitely gay. Do you think he might have used the time apart to explore (at the very least) his thoughts and feelings?

He will still want you and your daughter around, but he will have to understand that you are not willing or able to be in a relationship with someone who is gay. There is no reason why either of you would stop being great parents, but it would be totally unreasonable of him to expect you to live in a sexless/loveless marriage (and potentially give your blessing to his having other sexual relationships) because that's what he wants.

ElephantsAndMiasmas Tue 06-Sep-11 16:28:12

Oh and meant to say aaaargh for you, it must be awful sad

BitzerMaloneyAllSkinnyAndBony Tue 06-Sep-11 16:32:01

Thank you. I really don't know if he's gay or not, and neither does he (or so he says). It's not like all the pieces have suddenly clicked into place, so in that regard, no, it doesn't make sense.
If he's genuinely struggling, then I will support him the best I can through this. He doesn't really haver anyone else to turn to and I care about him enormously. What would be awful, though, is if he knows one way or another. What if he always knew this? What a shitty way to treat someone else. I just don't get it.

BitzerMaloneyAllSkinnyAndBony Tue 06-Sep-11 16:37:31

Yes, but he seems to think it would be unreasonable of me to move back to the UK and take our daughter away from him. He has children from his first marriage who he has virtually no contact with, and he says DD is his life.
To be honest, I'm also very scared at the idea of being a single mum. I know many women manage to do an amazing job alone, but I'm not sure I'm that strong.
I'm so heartbroken. I didn't know it was possible to feel this low. It's like the whole of my twenties have been an utter lie and every happy memory I have is now tainted.

PamBeesly Tue 06-Sep-11 16:40:12

It would be a shitty way to treat someone. I think he needs to try to answer your questions directly, explicit ones like, do men turn you on for example, instead of 'taking his time to explore his sexuality' I hope you don't think I'm too harsh but I don't think its fair if you are just waiting around (feeling sad, alone and confused) while he is 'exploring'...I think he needs to treat you with some respect. How would you feel OP if the end product is that he is gay and has relationships with men? Would you still want to support him through this or would you be very angry?

BitzerMaloneyAllSkinnyAndBony Tue 06-Sep-11 16:48:00

I did ask him some direct questions, but he was obviously very uncomfortable with it. He said that yes, he sometimes sees men and thinks 'Corr, yer!' but has no clearly defined idea of how he'd like to act on it, if at all.

BitzerMaloneyAllSkinnyAndBony Tue 06-Sep-11 16:50:34

If it turns out that yes, he is gay, I think part of me would actually be relieved. I'm sure I'd feel very angry and betrayed at times, but also... strangely relieved. I've only just realised this now and can't articulate it very well, sorry.

BitzerMaloneyAllSkinnyAndBony Tue 06-Sep-11 16:51:43

And no, I don't think you're being too harsh at all!

PamBeesly Tue 06-Sep-11 16:53:52

I think if his reaction sometimes is 'corr' I'd be very inclined to think he was gay. I don't know the man of course, just from what you saw so I've no pre judgements but from just that I'd be thinking he is. I know it will be a huge upheavel/you feel like you were living a lie etc but YOU weren't.
You obviously must be heartbroken, I'm sorry OP its a horrible situation for you.
You sound like a very reasonable person, I hope there will be someone along soon to offer you more practical, concrete support.

PamBeesly Tue 06-Sep-11 16:58:24

I understand how you would be relieved. Its like all the upset and anguish you felt over the sexless-ness of your relationship can be explained. I don't think you'd be unreasonable either to move on with your life, either in the country you currently live in or the U.K. I think he would have to understand that you need to move on (sorry if this is sad to hear) he can of course visit his DD anytime, even though this is sad for both parties. When she is a big girl you can explain to her and give her an understanding of the situation and why you broke up/moved away.
I hope things get clearer for you OP

Proudnscary Tue 06-Sep-11 17:00:08

I think he is absolutely sure he is gay.
I think he sounds rather self absorbed if he was 'surprised' that you are questioning whether your marriage is tenable. Honestly, what did he think you'd feel even if you were kind about it?
I can understand him being self absorbed and worried sick about his feelings and how to tell you BUT I can't ignore the 'poss emotional abuse' you mention - can you enlarge?
This must be so hard and so daunting for you, I hope you stay on here to get support x

BitzerMaloneyAllSkinnyAndBony Tue 06-Sep-11 17:04:05

Yes, that makes a lot of sense re: the relief being because of the explanation it gives to our sexless marriage. My self-esteem has really taken quite a bashing over the last few years, and it would be quite comforting to know that there's nothing I could have done differently to save things.

eslteacher Tue 06-Sep-11 17:06:30

OP, it seems that now your DH has mentioned this to you, it has to be explored for both of your sakes. Maybe he is gay, or maybe he isn't the underlying problem lies somewhere else but he's latched onto the possibility of being gay in an effort to find an explanation for it.

Either way, I think your DH needs to explore his feelings - how about pointing him towards this website, Outline, which offers an online/telephone support service for people who are wondering if they might be gay.

Good luck, I hope things work out for you - I really do feel for you.

TheCrackFox Tue 06-Sep-11 17:06:39

He does sound like he is gay but TBh he has been very, very, very selfish. He married you under false pretences and he can't, therefore, claim the moral high ground if you decide to move home.

BitzerMaloneyAllSkinnyAndBony Tue 06-Sep-11 17:12:15

'Rather self absorbed' doesn't begin to cover it!
The emotional abuse I was referring to is pretty hard to articulate. He often just puts me down in little ways, always finding fault. We can 'fight' about very petty stuff - he thinks we're fighting, I think he's ranting at me whilst I'm sobbing. He'll cut me off mid-sentence. He can't bear it when I cry or when I'm unwell, and makes me feel terrible for it.

BitzerMaloneyAllSkinnyAndBony Tue 06-Sep-11 17:15:32

Thank you for the link, riverboat. We'll definitely make use of it.
I'm sitting here sobbing at the kindness of strangers. Thanks to all of you. I suppose just posting on here has made me realise this is really happening.

GetAwayFromHerYouBitch Tue 06-Sep-11 17:17:11

I think he is gay, and knows it but doesn't want anything to change as a result, which is very very selfish, and apparently, par for the course. I'm very sorry.

I think you are at risk of letting him treat you badly, because of your understandable fear about being a single mother. Is it really worth it?

TheCrackFox Tue 06-Sep-11 17:23:03

There is really nothing to be gained by staying in this relationship.

Do you want the rest of your life (you matter here, it sounds like you entire marriage has been about his needs) to be like this? You are still young and have your life ahead of you.

BitzerMaloneyAllSkinnyAndBony Tue 06-Sep-11 17:26:06

DD's stirring from her nap, and I'll probably take her out for some fresh air now, but will be back later. My mind's spinning too fast right now.

HerHissyness Tue 06-Sep-11 17:34:20

I think if a man, knowing his wife and daughter have tickets booked home and says I look at a man and thing Phwoar, he is understating things dramatically.

I think you need to have an honest conversation with him, tell him that his treatment of you is callous, cruel and nasty sometimes, and that now he is saying he might be gay, he has to understand that this is an issue that will potentially end your marriage.

As you are from the UK and abroad, that you would have to come home, and he needs to think through how life will be.

I also think YOU need to do the same. Think through the pros and cons of sticking in a relationship where ultimately YOU are not wanted. It's genuinely not fair on you to stay, it's not fair on your DC either.

You need to have a complete drains up, get everything off your chest and out in the open. Won't change anything ultimately, but it'll help you offload some of the hurt, frustration and emotion that you have been bottling up. You need to express it, he needs to hear it.

Being single is better than being in a dead relationship, and if he really IS gay, that is what it's going to be. You can't stay in a relationship like that.

I'm so sorry, I had a boyfriend do this to me, and it was excruciating, I can't imagine the pain you are feeling now that you have DD etc. It will get easier to cope with.

FWIW, I did meet some men that were married, did have kids, but ultimately couldn't live as a heterosexual man. The conflict was immense, the fall out really painful. Yes they are being selfish, but tbh, when it comes to dead-end relationships such as this/abusive, the facts of the matter are not going to change, it's not going to get better, is it? If a woman was in a relationship and knew that it was never, ever going to make her happy, was sexless and eventually resentful, everyone would tell her to leave. it's not fair on the other partner.

This situation is not fair on you, and tbh, not fair on him either.

NotADudeExactly Tue 06-Sep-11 17:37:16

OP, so sorry to hear that you are going through this! sad what an awful shock!

FWIW, I went through something very similar earlier this year - hence my nick. I'll be back here later if you would like to ask any questions about how I coped etc. Will just have to run to the shop and get some dinner ready first.

Here is a link to my thread. I got some great support there, maybe there's something in there that helps you too. Ignore my rambling, though, I wasn't in a good place when I wrote this.

OP, whatever the outcome of this, it helps to bear in mind that oppenness and honesty are always a good thing - even about things we'd maybe rather not hear.

PamBeesly Tue 06-Sep-11 18:09:42

OP, they way you say he was emotionally abusing you, cutting you etc would make sense if he was in denial about his sexuality. Obviously men do this too when they aren't gay but he was picking at you and finding fault in everything you did because you weren't what he was looking for, I think him 'coming out' will be a big relief for you and him. It doesn't make it any less painful a process for you. FWIW you sound like a strong woman (even if you don't fell like it)

ImperialBlether Tue 06-Sep-11 18:46:06

Okay if he had tried to hide his sexuality from himself, he'd married you, been absolutely lovely to you but just didn't want to sleep with you, that would be bad enough for you, living in a sexless marriage.

But - he isn't lovely, is he? He's horrible to you. He's ranting whilst you cry? He puts you down. He cuts you off mid-sentence - that's very disrespectful.

And now he wants you to stay with him, just as he is?

Tell him to fuck off.

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