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A daily reminder of just how useless I am round other people

(18 Posts)
Billynm Tue 06-Sep-11 11:30:05

why is it I wonder that I just can't get on with the rest of the human race? I win the least number of friends competition hands down.

I often have the feeling people find me a little irritating and boring, all thought my life I have come across people that did not like me, my head teacher, my boss, my own grandmother.
I really try but don't seem to be able to make new friends. I think I was hoping to make a few friends in the playground, but have struggled. Not helped by being very tired post birth of third child, and I just can't talk when i lack sleep.
This in turn has made me sad, and being sad makes it even harder, I have lost my joy somewhere along the way, and now can't even see myself as friend material.
I feel like a freak, everyone has friends, right???
I'm afraid that I'm disappearing into myself, and it's not an unhappy place. My children are a blessing as they give me a reason to carry on.
Ok I'm off to give myself a slap.
Sorry if there is any spelling mistakes I'm dyslexic, so writing the above has been hard for two reasons! sad

Proudnscary Tue 06-Sep-11 11:35:59

Billy! That's such a sad post.

All I can say to you is that almost EVERYONE thinks they are secretly a bit of a loser/irritating/a fraud/bit of a wally etc etc and that everyone else is naturally sociable and finds it all a breeze. They don't - most people struggle inwardly to a degree but have learned to style it out.

BUT if you really think you can be irritating and don't retain friends - have a long, hard, honest look at your interact with people. Make sure you listen, ask about them, smile a lot - as well as have your own opinions and a few interesting or funny stories up your sleeve. Can you ask someone you ARE close to and trust for their very honest opinion about your social skills and be prepared for some honest/difficult answers?

Also, the obvious question, do you think you might be depressed?
x

lubeybooby Tue 06-Sep-11 11:37:49

Awww, I'm really very sure it isn't you - just to echo what proudnscary said really, as it's very true.

aleene Tue 06-Sep-11 11:41:49

The playground is not a good place to make friends, really. I have very few 'playground' friends. You are much better making friends in other ways or through interests you have.
You sound really low in self confidence and I hope you feel better soon.

mumsamilitant Tue 06-Sep-11 11:43:28

Oh Billy, yes was thinking the same as Lubeybooby, maybe you are a bit depressed at the moment. If its any consolation, I'm nearly 50 and have only got a couple of really true friends, others have come and gone due to changing of circumstances etc. Don't believe all the crap you see on the TV as in programmes like Mistresses (very good I have to say!), Sex and the City etc. Where the leads have a group of "great" fantastically close friends.

Do you have any family close by?

PrimaBallerina Tue 06-Sep-11 11:44:16

To make friends you just need to 'be' a friend if that makes sense. People respond to others who are warm and take an interest. I bet it's you who backs off before the friendship is formed as you've already decided you must be bugging them.

You do sound very down OP, have a hug.

MilkandWine Tue 06-Sep-11 11:58:51

Billy, I'm sorry you feel that way and as other have said it does sound as if you could be suffering from depression. Maybe a trip to your GP is in order?

As Proud says, I think we all feel like that sometimes and that nobody (or very few people) are as confident in the inside as they come across. I empathise as I'm feeling pretty shitty about myself at the moment as well and I know how horrible it is and how difficult it makes life.

I'm sure you are a lovely person, have a hug and I sincerely hope that things turn around for you soon.

lulu2 Tue 06-Sep-11 12:06:23

billy i feel for you.

Sad as it sounds I have no friends, apart from Dp that is.
I think that i have lost the skill of making friends. I have now come to the conclusion that i am unlikeable.
Just wanted to say you are not alone.

msshapelybottom Tue 06-Sep-11 12:10:13

You sound so down on yourself.

I used to feel like you - sometimes I still do but I have 3 kids at school now and have no choice but to force myself to join in - I have found that even when I am feeling a bit low I just plaster on a big smile and chat to people anyway. I always go home with a spring in my step compared to the days when I used to stand by myself and want the ground to swallow me up.

If you are not used to being "sociable" it can be really difficult to make yourself get stuck in, but it only takes one like minded person to help you feel less isolated!

Hope you are ok, I sometimes struggle with imagining that people think I'm annoying and boring, but I just tell myself that what I have to say is as valid as the next person and I try not to believe that voice telling me I'm not good enough. I try not to analyse all the many bloopers I say either, I'm not perfect and neither is anyone else!

I would agree that it might be an idea to start with a chat with your GP, as you sound especially low in your post. Give yourself a break, it sounds a wee bit like you're stuck in a rut of thinking you are not good enough as a friend, therefore it must be even harder to approach people.

Billynm Tue 06-Sep-11 12:39:45

Thank you all so much for the understanding. I'm my worse critic and I think I need to start telling myself I'm ok. I think posting here is the first stage, I just needed to know that people would understand.
Thanks Lulu2, my island is now a little more crowded!
Thanks for the hugs everyone they are great.

moonstonezoe Tue 06-Sep-11 12:42:15

Billy, lots of people feel like you do, you are not on your own. There was a thread on AIBU a few months ago about lonliness. Masses of people posted your exact sentiments. I would do a link but I'm hopeless at it.

It is really hard to break into established groups of Mums on the play ground. Remember they probably already knew each other before their children started school. They may not even be mums but child minders and in my experience they really stick together and are standoffish as they are professionals!

Look out for a Mum who stands on her own and pay her a genuine mild compliment ie. That push chair looks lovely and cozy! Or some other mundane ice breaker.

It sounds like you have a great relationship with your children. So you are getting the most important thing right. Ihope things pick up for you soon.

Canistaysane Tue 06-Sep-11 13:40:20

Billynm I feel a bit like you (no friends), but I have found just being on MN makes me feel less lonely. I always find it hard to mix with people in the "real world". Maybe I'm just a bit different, I don't know, some people seem to be really good at the socializing and others not so good.

mamasunshine Tue 06-Sep-11 13:48:58

I'm another one who doesn't seem to be able to make friends. So know how you feel sad It's a very sad and lonely place to be. I'm forever smiling, chatty, etc but the mum's I meet only ever stay as aquaintences where we speak if bump into one another. I always question myself and try and figure out what's so unlikeable about me. But my 3dc's and dh and work keep me busy most days....would really love to be able to go out with some girl friends though...maybe one day!

NorksAreMessy Tue 06-Sep-11 13:52:02

I am you billynm. I find it very hard to make friends, although I am good at small talk.
I was always the one left out at school, still now have no really close friends apart from DH and sister.
But actually, it is partly my choice now. I am a very private person and don't know if I want any very close and intimate/intrusive friends.

Yes to approaching the other lonely Mummies, yes to joining the PTA if you can, yes to joining clubs, and a huge YES to keeping writing on here.

Finally, most people are FAR too interested in themselves to worry about what you are doing or saying, and they are their own favourite subject.

Billynm Tue 06-Sep-11 15:53:11

I love you all, you have been so comforting, And made me feel a little bit more normal!

G1nger Tue 06-Sep-11 18:06:56

Proudnscary has said everything I would have said. That's good advice.

MangoMonster Tue 06-Sep-11 20:07:46

Billy, I agree, lots of people feel that way, it's not always easy to make friends. Dont feel alone. It will happen in time. You'll be ok by yourself until you met someone who you can really get on with. There's a difference between people who call themselves friends and real friends. Real friends build over time. Be hopeful.

eaglewings Tue 06-Sep-11 20:14:33

Mums who find the play ground easy are a rare breed. It's worse than the toddler group!

Agree that you have a few symptoms of depression, but that may just be post baby tiredness. Keep an eye on it.

You are normal

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