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Long but easy to read and desperate for insight

(25 Posts)
starsintheireyes Mon 05-Sep-11 23:30:46

Ok brief outline of situation- exp "mildy" abusive in last few yrs of relationship(we were together 9 years) Would read threads on here and think dp does that and that and people would tell the Op to get out.
After very rocky few months i told him to leave beg of the yr. After one particular incident involving two of our children i knew enough was enough.

We had a mutual friend, he worked at the same place as exp and exp brought him home after a few weeks of getting to know him for a few beers.
The first time i met the friend I was attracted to him(which i never ever acted on/flirted or anything as exp had cheated before on me and its just not me) he also stuck up for me when exp said something out of line to me/about me,but it never ever crossed my mind that the friend might be attracted to me. we'd known the friend 3 yrs before splitting.

After splitting with exp i see more of this friend and the friend seemed to avoid exp for quite a few weeks after the initial split. we start spending quite a bit of time together, talking for 7 hours solid at a time whilst lying on his bed watching films for example, texting went from short and polite when id been with exp to xx's on the end and txts first thing in the morning at like hlf five/six when he knew id be up with the kids, wanting to know what i was up to and how i was. thats how the situation stayed for months, we'd hang out, watch films, have a few glasses of wine etc but nothing more. one evening when we just starting seeing more of each other we had a very weird conversation which led onto the fact he was circumsized and that he had scarring and that he had a problem with PE?! I had no idea what this all meant, did he see me as a agony aunt/sister figure confidant or was he laying his cards on the table??

To add more complication to this the friends dad was ill,terminally and getting worse as months/weeks went by. I also lost my dad four yrs ago so I think he felt he could talk to me. i was there for him through it and when his dad died i was cut up. I didnt know his dad as such but I felt at a loss, i just wanted to be with the friend, we met up for a few hrs 2 days after hed died and talked. when i left we hugged for what seemed like ages, id sort of leaned in and he pulled me closer so we were torso to torso. afterwards i txt "tht was a lovely hug smile" and hed replied with "im never sure about duration" and I replied "long hugs aways nice, especially with feeling behind them" and hed replied " I couldnt agree more".

A few months after this i questioned weather he was interested in me as still nothing happened, I wondered if i was imagening it as his body language was very positive, he just seemed shy/holding back. He said things along these lines "if hed known me before id got with exp then who knows what wouldve happened" "id feel i was stabbing exp in the back" (exp incidently was with someone else within 6 weeks of splitting,still with her now)
etc etc. I tell him i dont understand his behaviour, he agreed he was sending mixed signals and that he was confused. I asked him if was a chance something something might happen in the future between us and after some very unclear texts about how he thinks im great and how he loves spending time with me and how he cares about me im curt with him and ask him for a yes or no and he said i hate to say it but never.

More months go by and hes acting the same as before, when were together were so close were almost touching, like theres an invisable line that neither of us cross. Im quite shy as he is which doesnt help.

One evening he invites me over and we get through a few bottle of wine so he says your welcome to stay, we have a great evening and i fell asleep on his bed whilst watching a film so he covers me over with a blanket and gets into bed. I wake up later and wonder where to go so i get into bed with him. well hands didnt stay away very longblush and we have an amazing night despite that previous convo months before about 'down there'!! no worries there! The sex is so lovely, and afterwards he stares into my eyes for ages and eskimo kisses me and brushes my hair behind my ear etc, it feels like way more than just sex??

weve met up whenever my children are with their dad. Recently he questioned what 'we' are, are we a couple?
I said at present i think were fwb as you said you dont want a relationship and a relationship consists of more than what we have at the moment.

since then he seems to be tring harder, doing things fior me, getting me things.Meeting up more, phoning and talking for hrs rather than just texting, hes even come to my house(which hes not done since i split with exp) twice now!

The first time he only stayed ten minutes but he hung around by the door, i wasnt sure or confident enough to kiss him and he seemed the same.
Today he not only came to the houe, he stayed an hour and before leaving he gives me a massive hug and kiss which was great.progress!

This wkend ive not got my children for 2 nights and he invited me over but theyve just moved house and his new rooms right next to his mums(before it was huge house with long landing). Ive told him i dont feel i can stay. i think itd be too weird, id feel like i was 16 againblush. hes already said hes weirded out by the thought of staying in what was exp's bed/house too. we are at a stalemate!

Additional info-were in our mid twenties, hes a yr younger than me, i have three children, one whos quite young.hes not had a relationship or anything at all for 6 yrs!

Just want some insight on this situation espec after reading another thread on here which made me wonder.
What is going on with him?is he not that into me? is it his insecurites and inexperience making him behave like that? any thought gratefully receivedsmile

starsintheireyes Mon 05-Sep-11 23:37:40

I know theyll be comments about our ages and the fact ive got three children, but ive made it clear to him im not looking for someone to bring them up/look after them/pay for them, i do that as does their dad(exp). Im also not steriotypcial young mum, i have a car,qualifications, a decent home with decent stuff in it. And i intend to get off benefits as soon as its possible for me to do so.

FabbyChic Mon 05-Sep-11 23:40:56

He is a friend of your Ex, you have three children and he is mid twenties, that's a lot of baggage for any man.

He is into you but he feels guilty and unsure as to if there can be a future.

ElephantsAndMiasmas Mon 05-Sep-11 23:49:52

He's a guy who by the sounds of it is still living at home with his mum, is recently bereaved and has barely had an adult relationship. You on the other hand are a pretty sorted woman with three kids. It doesn't seem likely to me that he's likely to step up to the mark to be a fit partner to you. Why is he still living with his mum, when he has a job? It's pretty ridiculous to be sneaking around trying to have sex without the parents hearing at your age.

He probably likes you a lot, but it overawed/scared by the complexity and seriousness of your life in comparison with his. You're looking after three other humans, whilst he probably doesn't even wash his own pants. He wants a girlfriend, not to get caught up in his "mate"'s family as a surrogate dad, with his erstwhile mate wanting his guts for garters.

Do you think that maybe you are so worried about being judged for being on benefits etc that you are thinking more "am i good enough for him?" and less (what you should be pondering IMO) "is he really good enough for me?

MilkandWine Mon 05-Sep-11 23:50:25

Hi Stars,

I think you need to take it right back to basics here. You don't have your children for the weekend so why not ask him if he want's to take you out for the night? A nice meal somewhere and a good long talk about things is what is in order here I reckon smile Forget worries about where you are going to stay. There is no need for either of you to stay over if it is awkward/uncomfortable to do so.
If he is keen on you then he will want to take you out and spend time with you. There's nothing wrong with suggesting it, he might be too shy to do so (especially as he is pretty young). But If he's only interested in a bunk up then he will loose interest as soon as he realises that it isn't on offer.

I would advise you take things very slowly with this one, look after your heart and protect yourself.

MilkandWine Mon 05-Sep-11 23:51:47

Also want to say Elephants makes some excellent points in their post.

starsintheireyes Tue 06-Sep-11 00:07:39

Elephants- I dont really think that, I just wonder why he acts like he does. Obviously we are worlds apart in life terms as such with me and the children and him still living at home but i dont want a live in relationship at present, I ve been left with debt from exp, and am now on benefits, so id want to clear that and be financially independant before making that step. hes aware of that. Him living at home is not as bad as you make out, he was in buissness on their land with his dad before he fell ill and the house was huge so no real need to move out. they mainly live sperately and he does alot around the house/his own washing/cooking.

Fabby- I know it is, but in my eyes im not asking for masive commitment at this stage.

I suppose i just need validation he is into me as exp and bfs before have been the alpha male direct types who make it cystal clear rather than him who isnt anything like them and is a bit of a mystry.

FabbyChic Tue 06-Sep-11 00:16:56

Maybe he has deep feelings for you and is scared about how he feels, no one can help the way they feel. He may be falling in love and with that comes a lot of questions he may be asking himself.

garlicnutter Tue 06-Sep-11 00:24:21

It might be that I'm tired, but this all reads strangely intense to me. I'm sure it feels like a magical mystery - and it is, but with mysteries you have to read/watch to the end. If you fast-forwards, you lose the plot!

An abusive relationship, three small children, infidelity, break-up, bereavements: a lot of very big life changes coming thick and fast here. This sort of phase throws much older, more stable and experienced people off beam. The only constructive way to treat it is as a learning experience - the lessons for which you will find out in due course!

Not only have you been through all that, your boyfriend's also suffered the death of his father, the loss of his best friend and, presumably, serious disruption in the family business. Added to which, he's insecure about sexual relationships and is snuggling up to the ex-best-friend's ex.

In your twenties, you're still in an intense learning & growing phase - and that's without all the 'bonus' balls your lives have thrown you!

Calm down. Ease up. Have a nice, very long, talk with him about all this stuff and the big picture(s). Take time. Then take some more time. And, yes, date.

Good luck smile

starsintheireyes Tue 06-Sep-11 10:14:54

Fabby-That would make alot of sense I guess. If he does feel that way then that certainly would make him wary of where were headed i suppose.

Bizarrely he remembers tiny bits of info i tell him and brings it up in coversation and i sit there thinking hows he remembered that?!

I guess him being a bit insecure(hes v slim which hes very concious of) doesnt help either so he may be doubting how i feel about him?

moonstonezoe Tue 06-Sep-11 12:57:12

I agree with Garlic, hope it works out for you.

buzzsorekillington Tue 06-Sep-11 13:12:30

Have you done any counselling/the freedom programme/reading up on abusive relationships? If not, I think maybe you should to make sure you're in a really healthy place emotionally and the strongest & most sorted you can be.

And just take lots of time regarding this guy, as garlic says smile.

pink4ever Tue 06-Sep-11 13:15:38

Can you not live with out a man for a period and concentrate on your children?. It all sounds so teenage angsty-you are a grown women with responsibilities and this young man sounds too immature to step up.

starsintheireyes Tue 06-Sep-11 13:28:51

Buzz-Yes I have! Since splitting in jan Ive taken my time to re evaluate what happened during the relationship. Ive read up alot, Ive spoken to lots of people about relationships and breakups. I feel Ive learnt loads for eg not living in each others pockets in a relationship, in the sense you need time apart in order to actively miss the other. Also about not letting friendships lapse etc and thinking lots about what i want out of a relationship in the future and what i really dont want.

This friend is prob the furthest end of the spectrum from exp, so much so its hard to see how they became friends, they are two extremely different people with very different views/morals etc

Its lovely because its like a breath of fresh air being with someone whos actually attentive and knows when somethings not right without having to ask.
I guess my insecurities play a part as like i said before exp was quite direct about stuff whereas the friend isnt. I dont particulary want someone saying ooh i want to f88k you as im getting dressed or whatever, but at the same time it gives you a sense of them wanting you. rather than the friend who doesnt talk dirty, in fact he struggles to respond to even slight incinuations i might make, which in turn makes me think, oooh maybe hes just not that into me iyswim. he hasnt initiated ANYTHING up till yesterday when he kissed me. I did question him about it the other day asking if it was because he was nervous or because he wasnt really into it/me?
He said he admitted he feels inexperienced around me.

He also brought something up a few weeks ago, we were chatting and he randomly said genophobia...I said whats that and he replied a fear of women, he said hed seen it on a rizla packet(some have random facts on them) made me wonder if he does have a slight problem with sex/intimacy/relationships and thats why he mentioned it?

starsintheireyes Tue 06-Sep-11 13:31:06

pink- I do concentrate on my children! To be fair I only see the friend when my children are at their dads, so they are not involved in any way or know anything about it.

So because I have children I cant have a relationship for the next 16-18 years??

buzzsorekillington Tue 06-Sep-11 13:48:17

Good then, you sound pretty sorted.

Tbh, I'm a bit dubious about him.

I mark him down for still being friends with your ex and having divided loyalties, and if he's maintaining a friendship with a man who abused you I wonder what that says about him. I'm also not keen on his hints about all his insecurities. It seems like it's somehow going to be down to you to 'fix him', and I don't think that's a healthy role. I could be way off, of course. Fixer-upper boyfriends are pants, 'though.

starsintheireyes Tue 06-Sep-11 13:56:42

Well theyre not friends as such anymore. as I said the friend distanced himself after the split and they havent really been in contact since, they bump into each other at work occasionally but thats about it. exp has told him hes happy with his new partner and has no problem with the friend seeing me, but the friendship has lapsed between them, afterall what would they talk about, work and me? it wouldnt really work.

I take you points about his insecurities though, although I think some would be alleviated just from being with someone and feeling loved/desired/attractive etc

garlicnutter Tue 06-Sep-11 14:07:34

Genophobia is an extreme fear of intercourse.

I agree with what buzzsore says - he's dropping all these hints about realtionship issues (that is, him having issues about relationships) and you're sleepwalking into a caretaker role.

I still say take it s-l-o-w. And keep your other friendships alive.

starsintheireyes Tue 06-Sep-11 20:01:51

I definately intend tosmile maintain my friendships, as I say, lesson learnt there. Its moving very slowly anyway, Im not sure it could be any slower!

garlicnutter Tue 06-Sep-11 20:14:07

True! grin

starsintheireyes Tue 06-Sep-11 21:41:20


springydaffs Wed 07-Sep-11 13:03:15

He sounds young and inexperienced but I think his main angst - aside from all the other angsts to add to the tale - is his willy. It's the first thing he mentioned when you started getting close. However, his first 'performance' was spot on (phew for both of you but especially phew for him). Guys worry so much about their willies and performance. With the added extras - best mates' ex, business collapsed, dad died - he's probably feeling a bit overwhelmed at the mo. He's been single for 6 years at an age when men are supposed to be shagging left and right (he'll feel crap about that, his funny willy, his inexperience) and to be horribly frank, I think he took his chance because someone available landed right on his doorstep and now he's probably microanalysing his motives etc etc. He very probably worries that he's supposed to be coming up with some serious commitment goods when he's nothing like ready but feels the pressure to be decent and not mess you around. I'd say he is into you but don't question him, take it easy, take it slowly, enjoy yourselves and have a good time.

btw I think he's very sensible to be living at home - for lots of reasons: their dad/husband has just died, it's cheaper and makes perfect sense in a big family house. He'll be feeling very raw in the wake of his dad's death and that will probably last for a long time (years).

starsintheireyes Wed 07-Sep-11 19:34:02

Springy- So do you think that conversation was him laying his cards on the table about 'down there'? certainly makes sense.

I dont intend to pressure him into anything. Im no fool and realise I have soooo much baggage and 100X more so for a guy my age. Im just not particulary attracted to men much older than myself, so Im happy with the situation as it standssmile

springydaffs Thu 08-Sep-11 00:43:51

I think it was stars. But I also think that it, the worry of it (his willy), may have held him back, hence his 6 years of not having a relationship (I assume that also means he probably didn't have much sex?). Now he's broken that barrier I'm not sure he wants anything serious stars. I also think you've just this minute come out of a relationship and I'm not sure you're ready to go into another one yet - even a lighthearted one?

solidgoldbrass Thu 08-Sep-11 01:46:42

Make sure there is plenty of other stuff going on in your life ie do not make a relationship with this man the main point and focus of your life. Both of you have a fair amount of baggage to deal with, neither of you are in a good place to be making commitments and right now *neither of you has a responsibility to 'fix' each other'. Keep it light and amicable and try not to spend too much time in long discussions of past horrors and traumas: what you both really need right now is either to be alone or to spend time with a person who is fun. Not endless support-groupery.

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