Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

To confess or not to confess?

(166 Posts)
dadinapickle Mon 05-Sep-11 23:27:11

I'm a new boy here and have read a number of useful threads, but i can't find one that quite answers my dilemma.
Before you start judging i am trying to do the right thing, and so far have yet had a female perspective.

Right I have fallen in love with OW (plenty here on that, and most of you will call this an affair which i accept )
OW's marriage is over as she was caught texting etc. she has an undiagnosed chronic fatigue like illness, and 2 dc's.
her dh said he will stay with them until she is better.
I told her i wanted to come and live with her and look after her and her dc's.

but i am married and 2 dcs myself. She rightly said, no way, go and sort your own situation out before bringing all of that drama into her life. While we have very strong feelings for each other we have agreed not to communicate with each other to allow me to sort out my stuff.

Due to all of the above i nearly walked out on my dw. I told her i was v unhappy I wanted out etc, but not about ow.

I'm trying to do the right thing and work at my marriage, however much it hurts me to have left ow but here is my issue.

Having agreed to try and work through this not because DW wants me to, which she does but because i know it is the right thing to do. DW wants to fully understand how i got myself into the pickle i'm in, and i'm keen to give it my all.

i also know my dw has vry strong views about such things and i know her view has alway been "by all means fall for someone else but then you're out and don't you dare come back"

So here am i trying to explain why i have got myself to where i am.
the answer is very simple the OW. but if i say that then everything will collapse

or do i try and work it out and bury this secret deep, which also makes coming up with truthful answers very hard for me, plus the guilt etc But this will give us a shot at saving our marriage, being a unit for the dcs etc etc.

Many threads seem to say fess up and talk it through, equally if i do that then i know i'm finishing it, and there will be nothing to work out.

I'm no saint and i've done wrong but i'm trying to do the right thing.

I welcome your wise words and your abuse and probably some in between

ChippingIn Mon 05-Sep-11 23:29:05

Do you want to be with your wife or are you doing it out of a sense of duty?

fortyplus Mon 05-Sep-11 23:35:13

Oh well - you're going to be flamed you know that don't you?

I would say that by confessing you're just offloading the burden of your guilt onto your dw. If you really do want to save your marriage then you need to get some counselling. Plenty of people have rocky patches in relationships but don't end up having affairs.

Your dw won't ever trust you again if you confess - only you know whether that fear would be justified. I suspect that most people who have affairs have broken a taboo and will go on to have more - either that or they're like people who give up smoking and become incredibly judgemental about those who make the same mistake they did.

Which do you think applies to you?

Dilligaf81 Mon 05-Sep-11 23:44:15

I think you need to decide what you want. Do you want it to work out with DW or is this just so you can say you tried then toddle off to OW ??

Offloading your guilt isnt fair but I would want to know everything if I was the DW, how can you sort things out if your holding back ?

Think long and hard there are 4 innocent DC involved here.

dadinapickle Mon 05-Sep-11 23:47:04

chipping - right now if feels more dutyful, but equally i want to do the right thing.

Fortyplus, i know i'll get lynched, but hey! I've learnt a lot from reading other threads, so i thought i would get the abuse etc directed at my specific issue.

I think i may have fallen in love, wrong person wrong time and that will hurt to get over.

reality what ever path it will take from here will be at best hard and worst very shit for a number of people due to mine and OWs actions

dadinapickle Mon 05-Sep-11 23:52:10

Dilli
what i want is a hard one, i want to do the try thing having not done what i should have done, but i have and it is what it is.

to offload isn't fair but equally not to does give me and DW a chance.

OWs is strong and she knows she was at fault and is dealing with that and her DCs, my issue right now is my DW and DCs and how to do the right thing

DuelingFanjo Mon 05-Sep-11 23:56:04

are you really just trying to work it out with your wife because the other woman doesn't really want you.

My opinion is you should leave your wife (confess if you have to) and sort out your life with as much care for your children as you can given the circumstances.

dadinapickle Tue 06-Sep-11 00:04:00

dueling
OW and i agreed I need to work it out. We have both said we love each other, but life is not a film riding off into the sunset, and it is gutting we didn't meet 10 yrs ago
so damned if i do and damned if i don't.

3 friends and my mum know the truth and they all say stay,and don't say anything

ChippingIn Tue 06-Sep-11 00:05:46

I think you need to take a little time out and think about what you want - not what's right, not what is your duty - but what you want. If being with your wife is not what you want it will never work and you are wasting both of your lives 'trying again' - when you would both be better off putting that energy into rebuilding your individual lives.

Your children will not be happy if you are not happy.
Your wife will not be happy if you are not happy.

You are entitled to be happy.

I am not, by a long stretch, condoning what you have done - not for a minute, but it's done now and you need to go forward - somehow.

Your wife deserves your honestly so that she can make the decision whether to stay with you or not, knowing all of the facts. It also creates an even footing - if you know and she doesn't you will always feel like you have the upperhand.

It is hard to put relationship that has failed back together - it will only work if you both know all the facts and you both want to work towards it.

Staying for the children does them no favours. They know things aren't right, that you aren't happy etc no matter how you try to cover it up. It makes for a miserable childhood.

ChippingIn Tue 06-Sep-11 00:07:49

3 friends and my Mum know

Then sorry, but you have no option but to tell her. Anything else is a huge betrayl. That is even worse than the affair - that feeling like everyone else knew and you didn't - that other people got a say in your own life that you yourself didn't get.... grossly unfair.

oliviasmama Tue 06-Sep-11 00:13:30

If you love the other woman, as you say you do, then take some responsibility and deal with the inevitable heartache you will cause your wife and children. You have already left them emotionally by the sounds of your post, stop playing god with the rest of their lives.

dadinapickle Tue 06-Sep-11 00:13:39

chippingin,
thanks for that.
what i want is to be with OW and live happily ever after. but surely i have a duty to try and work things out?

as far as knowing things she doesn'tm that certanly doesn't feel like the upperhand, i feel like a rabbit in the headlights terrified to move. so i say very little, which is out of character and so DW fills it with theories which i know have missed the mark

dadinapickle Tue 06-Sep-11 00:18:16

chippingin yes i think you are right, it is grossly unfair, and olivia, i have no desire to play god.
i think want you're saying is fess up and try and work it out from there...

ChippingIn Tue 06-Sep-11 00:23:23

I would say you have a duty to be honest with her. Your duty to working it out was before you had the affair, before you fell for someone else.

I don't know how else to explain the 'upperhand' thing. It's like you lose respect for them (your wife) because you were able to have an undetected affair... you start to think less of her because you could 'fool' her - does tht make sense?

At the moment you are torturing your wife. She knows there is something wrong, she knows that you aren't happy - and I bet she has asked if there is anyone else and you have denied it?? You are making her doubt her own intuition - it's horrrible, horrible, horrible to be in that position. You owe her the truth. She's killing herself trying to work out what's up - you know what's up - how can you not tell her? You both have to know the facts to work through this and rebuild your relationship or move on. You are not being kind to her not telling her, really you aren't.

You say you know she will end it - you don't really. We all say things like that, but when it comes to it, it's not that easy. If she does, it's her right to - it's not your right to chose for her.

oliviasmama Tue 06-Sep-11 00:25:53

You've said you love the OW, I don't think you've said you love your wife. Your wife deserves to know the truth, you are cheating her daily.

dadinapickle Tue 06-Sep-11 00:33:54

thanks guys
i think you're right and to be fair it was my initial reaction, but i was talked round by the other people.
of course the thought of saying something terrifies me!

hey ho no sleep tonight!

PotPourri Tue 06-Sep-11 00:36:40

Tell her. And keep your grubby mitts away from the OW fgs. You should not have started something when you were both in a marriage and a family of your own. Sort our your own house and then if you become single and so does she, then think about it then.

Your story is sordid - you know that don't you? Your poor wife has no idea what is going on, and there is you all tortured and pining for a woman who already has a family. Marriages don't always work out - that's fine. No issues with that. But have the decency to at least sort out what is happening with your family before swanning off with someone else.

Harsh, but true (imo)

MJHASLEFTTHEBUILDING Tue 06-Sep-11 00:38:38

Message withdrawn

oliviasmama Tue 06-Sep-11 00:39:08

and be prepared for a well deserved almighty kick in the bollocks!

ChippingIn Tue 06-Sep-11 00:41:16

No matter how self inflicted it is - it's horrible to have to tell someone something you know is going to hurt them. I guess the only thing is that it isn't going to be a total suprise to her.

I do feel though that you need to decide if you want to try with her if she wants to - if you don't, then don't set her up for another fall later on when you decide you can't keep trying at a marriage you don't want to be in. Be sure you love her and can give her/your relationship 100% before agreeing to do so.

I'm off to bed now - will check in tomorrow night.

oliviasmama Tue 06-Sep-11 00:41:39

and a family broken hearted and totally ripped apart. Well done!

ChippingIn Tue 06-Sep-11 00:43:09

OFGS - there's just no need people.

oliviasmama Tue 06-Sep-11 00:45:31

or maybe they'll be jumping for joy chipping?

good night.

Shakti Tue 06-Sep-11 00:57:32

Please do not ever tell your wife that you wanted to care for someone else's children rather than your own. I would have your balls for that alone.

Other than that - man up and let her have some choices. Think first though -what are you going to do to help her cope with the feelings she will have? What will you do to work towards a good outcome for the children? Please tell her but do not abandon her and the family you both created sad

dadinapickle Tue 06-Sep-11 01:03:34

shakti
my point about the ow's dc's is that i was aware and willing to take a sick woman and her children on, i am acutely aware of the pain my actions will/have caused.

i'm interested no one has suggested i shut up and work thro it, this is where i'm at the moment and it doesn't feel like an easy option i can assure you!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now