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Never done a break up like this..

(8 Posts)
NeKey Mon 05-Sep-11 20:52:42

I have recently been dumped by my boyf of 2 years, and I am finding it hard to handle. I am not in the first flush of youth, and so its not by any means my first relationship that has ended, but it hurts for so many more reasons than anything in the past ever has before.

I do not have any children- but I am hopeful that one day this will happen for me. My boyfriend has a child and most weekends we would travel to stay at his mothers to take care of him (9 yrs old). His ex live a few miles from his mothers house- we live 2 hrs away.

My ex is an amazing father- totally hands on, and has the kind of co-parenting relationship with his ex that anyone would be lucky to have. Totally unemotional towards each other, yet totally supportive of each others parenting. (I have a great deal of respect for his ex too in the maturity she has shown in getting this situation to work for them).

Over the last two years I have felt privileged to join in to this family, and gradually be introduced to exes son, and get to know him. I have always been respectful of my place, never trying to step up to parent (not more than a babysitter would at least), but becoming someone that the child can be affectionate with, as well as respect as a part of his fathers life.

My ex has decided to devastate me with the news that he is unwilling to have any more children, and beyond that end our relationship. He says that to keep on with the situation where I would one day like my own child and him not would not be fair.

Deep down I know he is right to end it. Yet as hurt as I am, I am almost more hurt because I know I will never see my exes son again. Its too far to go to be "just passing" and I have no connections in the area besides his mother, (who would not keep in contact with me now that her son has dumped me).

I have been hurt by the end of relationships before, but it has never been like this. Not really asking a question as such just need to get it out. sorry for taking up your time.

buzzsorekillington Mon 05-Sep-11 20:54:51

I'm sorry sad.

lubeybooby Mon 05-Sep-11 20:59:34

Oh that must be really hard. I had the most painful and traumatic break up of my life this year, different reasons but hurt much more than any break up before. If I can offer a glimmer of hope at all, time DOES start to heal. It's taken a few months for me but I'm finally feeling a tiny bit better, and I couldn't see that happening at all in the middle of it for various reasons. Just hang on in there.

Some things I did that has helped is ditch all reminders of him, his stuff, cut contact, avoid 'weepy' songs (still can't listen to any! filled my ipod with 'safe' music instead) kept busy decorating my house and worked on my social life a bit.

AnyFucker Mon 05-Sep-11 21:01:12

I am really sorry, love

Your post brought a lump to my throat. sad

You know he is right to let you go if you are sure you want dc in the future and he is sure he doesn't

How awful it would be if he kept you hanging (some men do this)

All the very best to you. Yes, you have lost a lot, but you will be a happy and fulfilled mum one day to your own children x.

TheOriginalFAB Mon 05-Sep-11 21:05:01

Never mind the parents handling it all well, you have handled it all well and sound like you really care for this boy. You have not only lost your boyfriend but a potential step child but it has also freed you to be able to meet a man who will have children with you. Be kind to yourself.

ImperialBlether Mon 05-Sep-11 21:28:32

I think he was actually being very fair to you by telling you since he doesn't want any more children, he is ending the relationship. You will thank him in the future.

I'm so sorry about your relationship with his son. This is the problem when you get to meet your partner's children when your own relationship with him isn't clarified. Perhaps that's something you could look at in a future relationship.

You seem to have acted in a dignified way throughout and you'll be so glad of that later. I hope you soon grow to be happy that you've had a fresh chance at having your own child. Think how awful it would be if you'd left it too late because he hadn't been clear.

WibblyBibble Mon 05-Sep-11 21:37:05

This is really sad, you sound lovely though and I'm sure you'll find someone and have children soon. Obviously it won't replace his son in your life but maybe eventually you'll be able to be friends with ex and meet up again in that role?

Tillyscoutsmum Mon 05-Sep-11 21:44:33

I am so sorry sad

FWIW, I do think its the "right" thing to happen. I split with my ex h because he didn't want children and I did. It is so difficult because its not really a "natural" ending of a relationship. No one has been unfaithful, there's no abuse, you haven't even fallen out of love. You just want different things and those "things" are non negotiable. I was devastated at the time but 7 years on, I am happily married have a 4 year old DD and a 20 month old DS.

I was also really close to my ex h's nieces. I was my ex SIL's labour partner and saw my youngest (ex ?) niece being born. I hated the fact that splitting with my ex also meant I wouldn't be part of their lives any more sad

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