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in need of interim support re Emotional Abuse, really

(12 Posts)
Smashedpotato Mon 05-Sep-11 20:01:12

In short, have contacted womens aid about Emotionally Abusive DH, who put me in touch with local group. Was difficult to ring womens aid for a while as DH is in house all the time, as am I, as we both work from home. They referred me to the local refuge/ group who were very nice (again hard to make the call and from mobiles are v expensive) after I sent a long email explaining recent events; and told me I was a victim of emotional abuse.
Upshot is, if I didn't want to leave DH immediately then they said that was very little they could do. We have a DS aged 5. No counselling was available at that time. I should go back to womens aid for support, but really need practical advice! Can their phone no. be traced on virginmedia landline? I called virginmedia about this and got a confused call centre man who completely got the wrong end of the stick. Dreadful.
I have friends in RL whom I have spoken to but they get so freaked out because my DH is fine, then behaves like a monster and a lunatic (narc probably) to get his own way, then is all right again. They are alienated and find it hard to see me, let alone us both together. I just need some talk to help get my mind straight sometimes.
BTW bought Lundy B. and another book from amazon, sent them via a friend but she has been ill and I haven't been able to see her for six weeks. It's a mini disaster.

HerHissyness Mon 05-Sep-11 21:05:31

OK, you know what it is, you know what he is. You know what you have to do.

You need to ask yourself why on earth you are staying really. It's harming you, your son and teaching him how to be a man. You don't want him todo this to your DIL do you?

i know I couldn't bear to watch if I saw my DS torture women the way his dad does.

AFAIK, the womans aid number doesn't show on your bill.

If you have a iPhone, Android or blackberry phone you can get an app that will find you a land line number and therefore it comes out of normal minute allocations

Everyone's friends think their abusive X is wonderful... it's part of his islolation tactic, part of him making YOU look, mad, bad and horrid to him.

So what do you need? You need us to tell you how to keep living in that hell of a life? You need a pill, or counselling to accept that cruelty he is dishing out just because it gives him a hard-on?

No, sorry, can't do that. Drugs can't make this better, counselling can't cure this situation. You will only benefit from counselling when you have removed the source of the poison in your life.

Read the Lundy Book as soon as you can, it will show you how you need to understand that this is not your choice, not your choosing and nothing YOU can do to fix it. HE can fix it, but to do that he'd have to give up all his rights to power over you and that is not going to happen now is it?

You need to process this all in your mind, understand that no matter what YOU do, say think, eat, sleep or tell yourself, it will NEVER get any better, only WORSE. You need to get to the place where you know you have to put yourself and your DS first and you have to get away.

There is only one way out, and that is to GET OUT. THEN you will have all the meaningful support and help and guidance you will need to recover from this trauma you have been put through.

HerHissyness Mon 05-Sep-11 21:07:16

Come join a whole bunch of us on

Some of us are out, others are not. Everyone's story is different, but the sadness and abuse is all the same.

We're always there, always supportive and will always understand what you say. We will hug when needed, and finger wag too! grin

Smashedpotato Mon 05-Sep-11 21:14:34

HerHissyness thanks, very useful app - i have an android phone so if i can get landline numbers that would be great. have looked at the EA4 thread mentioned above, it was so long wasn't sure i'd just drown in it, but will give it a go. btw have been wonderfully vague in thread as am petrified that anyone of my friends who might read it will know its me. (great, eh?)

HerHissyness Mon 05-Sep-11 21:20:27

You don't have to read the thing, just say hi, post and chat about you, your life, your situation. When you have time you can always read back through.

All of the women on the thread are on their own journeys, both out of relations and still in them. This shit takes a long time to heal. the damage being done every day doesn't heal by itself.

have a read though garlicnutter's most recent post, it's very good, describing her descent into her abusive relationship. It'll help you a lot I think, to know that you are not anywhere near being alone!

neuroticmumof3 Mon 05-Sep-11 21:21:41

I think it's important that you accept that you cannot change his behaviour and that it won't get any better. If anything it will get worse. A lot of women live with EA and other abuse because they really believe they are somehow to blame and can alter his behaviour if only they 'get it right'. They can't and you can't. He's in control and making the decisions about how to behave. He likes things how they are.

HerHissyness Mon 05-Sep-11 21:22:43

We all go through the shame thing, don't worry, when you truly understand that you didn't do anything at all wrong, and that it's his choice to abuse you, and he'd do it even if you never, ever put a foot wrong, because he wants to. Then you don't feel any embarrassment for yourself.

Smashedpotato Mon 05-Sep-11 21:25:18

Thanks I will go over to EA4 and have another look. reason I have time to be on here is DH gone out and I don't have the money to pay half of the babysitter fee. he didn't offer to pay my half either. And i used to think this was normal...

HerHissyness Mon 05-Sep-11 21:29:37

shock so you are banned from going out with him cos you can't pay half the babysitting?

i have been out since Feb, it's actually amazing to see how quickly I am utterly jaw droppingly shocked to hear something like this. I am horrified!

Smashedpotato Mon 05-Sep-11 21:32:55

HerHissyness not banned, just... not able to go. this is from the DH who claimed he had no money 2 weeks ago (i have just about less than him), told me i owed him £500 (technically - although i say this with tongue firmly in cheek - I do) managed to sulk for so long i gave him my half of his mother's £200 present to us for the summer. just so he wouldn't explode and smash the crockery. then i thought - oh yes, i've done it again. well done me. he's going out wednesday too. mm.

HerHissyness Mon 05-Sep-11 21:56:53

oh love! you can't do this to yourself.

Smashedpotato Mon 05-Sep-11 22:10:04

well i should be getting the lundy book friday, and will hide and read. the 0800 wizard app looks like a life-saver, and thanks again for the great tip HerHissyness. meanwhile at some further stage on EA4 i may detail the 'hilarious' anecdotes of DH's controlling and amazingly mean behaviour. esp. the £40 he gave me on my birthday which, when annoyed 2 weeks later, made me pay back. i thought that he was a real human and wouldn't cash the cheque. he did.

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