Pregnancy, Husbands and Porn

[loha]

I've never started a thread before but I've just spent a weekend in major mental turmoil and desperately need some perspective. On Friday I went into our computer history and found pages and pages of porn, going back for most of the year. I'm not necessarily squeamish about porn and have watched a fair bit in my time with my husband, but some of it was pretty questionable. I'm 34 weeks pregnant with twins and have had a very rocky pregnancy so far with severe pelvis pain and our sex life this year has been pretty much non existent, so I definitely don't blame him for needing to use porn. But then I also quite naively thought that he had gone off sex. Or maybe had gone off me being so big. I think maybe I was so upset because instead of approaching me, he was sitting up late using porn instead. And then some of the types of porn really freaked me out, like disabled porn and incest videos. I was shaking. I obviously confronted him about it and apart from being very embarrassed he was quite defiant about it. He said the freaky stuff isn't real and that he obviously isn't into incest, but that it's an easy way to find older men having sex with teenagers. Which only made me cry more. How can I compete with that? I'm 37 years old and covered in stretch marks. I'm not sure if I'm overreacting because I'm full of hormones but the fact that teenagers get him excited makes me feel sick. By Saturday I had calmed down and having gone over it all night in my head thought I had some perspective. He promised me that he had never looked at pictures of anyone we know or live stuff and that it was only internet porn videos. But for some reason I went back in on Sunday morning to double check and found that on three separate occasions he had been intermittently looking at porn and googling the same girl's name. I assumed that she was a porn star but he seemed to only be looking at images of her face. In a panic I checked on his phone and his facebook and she is someone he works with. I've had a massive meltdown about this. Is this a warning bell? He was shocked when I told him I'd found it and again told me she's just a pretty girl, he can't even remember doing it, he doesn't flirt with her etc etc. I'm so hurt about it. In my mind there's a distinction between some girl on the internet and a real person he knows. I've basically cried for two days and am just exhausted thinking about it. I do actually believe him when he says nothing has ever happened, that he would never cheat on me and that he never even speaks to her. She's just office eye candy. But I still can't get over him masturbating while thinking about her. That he can't remember any details just makes me imagine the worst. Do you think I'm overreacting? This probably happens all the time, but we just don't usually find out about it. What do you think?

[Kayano]

The start of your thread I thought 'you do not need to compete etc, if your not normally squeamish to porn he might not have thought it would have bothered you at first

BUT

The more I read the mote disturbed I am, ESP about this colleague he works with. That is BANG out of order and would set many alarm bells ringing in my head.

Hope you are OK op

[buzzsorekillington]

Gross.

Sorry, not very helpful.

Porn's very much a 'your mileage may vary' kind of thing. I daresay some people will come on and tell you you're being silly, but your feelings are valid.

And that he's leching over a woman at work, even if she's oblivious and he doesn't really want to get involved with her, isn't nice either. It's pretty disrespectful of her and you.

[loha]

Thanks everyone. It's hard to know how much of anything I feel right now is real and how much is hormonal. He says all guys look at the freaky stuff. But I think it's because he has become desensitised to the normal stuff.

[40notTrendy]

Oh no, this sounds awful for you. I completely understand how you must be feeling. I started a thread on a similar vein a couple of days ago and got some very reassuring and interesting replies, I'm not techno enuf to link to it tho, can you find it by searching by my nickname?
You have every right to the way you are feeling and I would imagine it's very little to do with pregnancy hormones and everything to do with feeling betrayed and deceived. Well done for tackling your man, I guess all I can say at this point is try discussing it again with him, be calm and factual, you have a right to get this out in the open and get the reassurances you need.

[AnyFucker]

Love, this does not happen all the time

This is awful, and you are perfectly justified in feeling upset and betrayed. he isn't even sorry for hurting you, is he ? That would be my sticking point, I am afraid.

[picnicbasketcase]

What Reality said. Occasional use of porn not a big prob IMO, but that's very worrying. Hope you're okay

[AnyFucker]

It isn't hormonal. Don't blame it on that, or you give him the green light to blame it on your hormones too.

Do not take even one little bit of responsibility for this.He made his choices. Nobody held a gun to his head.

Do you think he went off sex with you because he was getting his rocks off on teenager/incest porn etc ? That is fucking disgusting, and says a lot about a man (none of it good).

[TheCrackFox]

You are not over reacting.

A lot of men sometimes look at porn but most men do not look at (or want to) disable porn, incest porn etc. Just gross.

[PeppermintPasty]

It's not your hormones, it's not an overreaction. This would upset me too, it's a betrayal. I'm so sorry xxx IT'S NOT YOU OR ANYTHING YOU'VE DONE/NOT DONE! And, no, it doesn't happen all the time.

[HPonEverything]

At the start of your post I was thinking how similar we are (I'm also nearly due to give birth, and also found porn in our internet history). I was about to tell you how little it bothered. However my DH looks at your average sort of porn - women with massive GG breasts and that sort of thing.

Then I read the rest of your post and found it so disturbing I can't even tell you. You are really not being unreasonable - the thing with the girl at work is the worst imho, as the incest/disabled porn could be just put down to childish curiosity if it was a one off. If there's a lot of it though then that is freaking disgusting.

I'm so sorry for you :( Hope you are ok.

[anonacfr]

He said the freaky stuff isn't real and that he obviously isn't into incest, but that it's an easy way to find older men having sex with teenagers.

And that's supposed to make you feel better???? I find that a lot more worrying than the thing with the girl at work actually.

[IslandMoose]

The main problem is that he knows how upset you are yet, from what you say, doesn't seem to want to change his behaviour to relieve your pain and confusion.

He needs to be open with you - a frank and non-defensive conversation where he answers your questions and reassures you (to the extent that he can) that nothing beyond what he has already admitted to has actually happened and that, understanding the impact it has on you, he will priritise your feelings going forwards.

[loha]

Well that was the thing that worried me most at first. But now it's the girl at work. I think the childish curiosity comment makes sense. I certainly haven't gone through all of the history but he does seem to chop and change a lot. The incest videos were maybe two nights in a row and he hadn't looked for it since. The same with the disabled stuff. He says the history makes it look worse than it is, because you get loads of pop up windows so it seems like he's looked at loads when he's only looked at a couple of things. And that you find that stuff by following links from looking for normal porn. I don't want to sound like I'm defending him though. Since confronting him he has been very apologetic, very sheepish. Has cleaned the house like a maniac, cooked all the meals and today at work has been texting me all day to say he's thinking about me. Probably because I cried this morning because he's going to see that girl today.

Perhaps I just have a low opinion of men. But do they all fantasise about other women they know? He says it's in a separate compartment to his real life and doesn't affect how much he loves me. But I think that thinking about that girl blurs the lines and brings real life into his fantasy life.

[HPonEverything]

Not defending him AT ALL but he is right about the pop-up windows. I happen to know which 2 sites my DH uses (because our neighbour 'kindly' told us about them in a jokey conversation several years ago and we had a look out of curiosity), he hasn't the technical nouse inclination or time to go looking for other sites. Anyway as well as those 2 sites there are loads of obvious 'pop-ups' in the history so it does look a lot worse than it really is.

[HappyHubbie]

What a horrible situation for you at any stage, never mind coming to the end of a traumatic pregnancy.

It's probably true that most men look at porn on occasion, and from my own limited (no, really) experience of it I can see how easy it would be to go from vanilla BJ/shagging stuff to more, er, 'specialist' material so it doesn't sound to me as sinister as it mi appear. I mean, it's not like it's hard to find (the only site I know about was mentioned in the Sunday Times!). The teenagers thing is unpleasant, and I'm sure most women pregnant or not would find that difficult to handle. Most porn though is faintly ridiculous, and I suspect most guys view it like a cartoon - ie not real. The girl at work is a whole different thing though, that's the bit that feels to me like stepping over the line. Not too far over it, but enough - it's definitely wrong, even if there's nothing more to it than he's said (and it's such a lame story that it's probably true)

He does seem to realise he's hurt you and want to make amends, in reality there's not much more he can do other than apologise and promise not to do it any more, then it's up to you to decide whether he means it or not. You'll know from the rest of his behaviour during your pregnancy what kind of man he really is.

[loha]

And thank you 40notTrendy for tipping me off on your previous thread. Some very insightful stuff on there from the men about not comparing women to each other and about porn use being functional. Maybe I should just calm down.

[AnyFucker]

maybe you should trust your own feelings, love

there is a lot of heartache that women cause themselves, by burying their justifiable hurt and anger, so they can carry on as "normal"

not a "normal" you should be happy with, IMO

I expect he would very much like you to "calm down"...but IMO a day of housework and a few texts doesn't change the fact he has hurt you (and will do again of you just brush it under the carpet)

I wonder...how many texts has he sent the girl at work ? Is his mobile phone very attached to him ? Does it have an empty call/text register ?

[shesgotherlipstickon]

"CALM DOWN" . The man is a dirt pervert. Disabled porn, INCEST, Eurgh he wouldn't step foot near my kids again. Then stalking of someone he knows whilst jerking of to said material.

He has all the makings of a person with serious sexual boundary issues. I wouldn't go near him or let him near my dc's again.

Fucking disgusting man, sorry.

[heleninahandcart]

all guys look at freaky stuff. No, all guys do not.

Whatever he is looking at you should absolutely not compare yourself to the porn images. It is absolutely not about you, the way you look, or anything you have done. His choice, his responsibility.

In terms of the work colleague, this has really crossed a line between fantasy and reality. More than that when you first caught him out he specifically said he didn't know any of these women, so he lied about this.

I totally understand why you would feel so hurt, his behaviour is appalling. And it IS totally HIS behaviour.

[katiem1986]

i know how you feeling too, when i fell pregnant with my little one my relationship went up the spout, my partner didnt want anything to do with me he didnt even try anything not even to kiss me. it went on through my whole pregnancy and after my son was born, when he was about 3months old i also found porn on my partners laptop and i mean files and files of it. he denied all of it and blamed it on his work colleuge. eventually my brain got so tangled up thinking he was cheating on me with people he worked with as id also found dating site pages hed joined with local people. and still to this day i dont know whether he did. but we split up when my son was a yr old. i tryd to keep relationship going but it just wasnt right. i really feel for you, especially having twins to bring up. i def dont think your over reacting and it not pregnancy hormones, sound like hes def got some issues that need addressing. trust me your not the only one whose been through this and im sure you wont be the last. hope everything gets sorted out for you and babies.
katie x

[carpetlover]

Oh honey, please, please do not think this is normal or acceptable! Most men enjoy porn but your DH is not doing what most men do which is watch pics or videos of women with huge boobs or their bare arse in the air etc. Most men do not look at disabled porn or incest stuff. Absolutely no way. At.All! Ive just asked DH about this and he screwed up his face in a 'ewwe yuck' expression. And I say this as a woman who has no issues with moderate porn use whatsoever who has a DH with no hang-ups in that area either.

The work colleague thing is a completely separate issue. Porn is a purely visual stimulation. Fantasy which has no basis in reality. But wanking over a woman he works with who he has gone out of his way to find pics off is just disturbing. Also, the fact that pics of her face are enough for him to get off on should tell you he has completely crossed the line.

I'm so sorry for your situation. I really don't know what to suggest but I just wanted to say that neither the 'freaky stuff' as he calls it nor the girl at work stuff is normal or mainstream so don't let him tell you it is.