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Has anyone confessed to an affair and managed to save their primary relationship?

(61 Posts)
RoverandRuth Mon 05-Sep-11 13:51:01

I am at my wits end.. me and dh hit rock bottom a few months ago. I made a huge mistake and slept with someone else - twice. Me and dh have now got a reasonably good relationship... but he doesn't know about the betrayal..and I am about to tell him later thsi week.

I love him dearly. I don't want us to split - ever. Through my own stupid fault I feel I am going to blow his and my 2 young dds' worlds apart... and I know I deserve it..even given the appalling state of our marriage at the time it happened...which is no excuse.

I am desperately hoping he will want to stay with me.. to work through it... to stay as a family. I have no idea how to go about telling to process it all..what he needs to be able to do this.

Has anyone else confessed to an affair and come out the other side? Please, if you can help, I would really appreciate it. Please do not flame me. I know I did wrong. I feel sick to my stomach at the furore I am about to cause.

porcamiseria Mon 05-Sep-11 16:21:37

you want my advice


he will go apeshit and it will never recover, why do you need to tell him??

(a) cos he will find out
(b) to get off your chest as you feel guilty?

I really think you should keep shtum, let the guilt fester and never do it again

If you think this is a one off anyway....

you basically risk him wanting a divorce

doigthebountyeater Mon 05-Sep-11 16:33:27

I agree. Don't tell him. You are wrecking your kids' happiness if you do. Confessing can be as selfish as haing an affair.

keynesian Mon 05-Sep-11 16:36:39

Why are you telling him?

If you recognise what a mistake the affair was and do not plan to do it again and at the same time you are working on your marriage, what is it you think you will gain by telling him?

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 05-Sep-11 16:41:07

The problem with not telling him is that the secret will be a barrier to intimacy that won't be easy to break down - secrets have a tendency to poison the relationship. Also in order for a relationship to recover from an affair, weaknesses and vulnerabilities in the relationship as well as the betrayer need to be addressed properly.

porcamiseria Mon 05-Sep-11 16:51:13

telling him will be a bigger barrier, he will probably want to split up,and I dont forsee much intimacy in the months following

RoverandRuth Mon 05-Sep-11 17:22:49

I am thinking I will have to tell him. I am worried that I have caught an STD..I have swollen glands, and found a spot on my labia major yesterday which had a head on it and burst while in a hot shower this am. A little bit of white pus and blood came out.(sorry tmi). If it had been anywhere else, I would have thought it was a normal spot but it seems to be in an odd place on the outside of the fleshy part... I have been googling herpes all day, my stomach churning, haven't eaten anything and feel faint with shock. I had slept with OM twice - unprotected sex..stupid..stupid ..stupid. My family's world is about to be blown to pieces and it's all my fault.

HedleyLamarr Mon 05-Sep-11 17:33:45

OP, I agree you have to tell him. It would be unforgiveable to pass on an STD to your DP.

porcamiseria Mon 05-Sep-11 17:40:24

OK.... but cant you get STD analysed first? Oh fuck you are in a pickle sad

RoverandRuth Mon 05-Sep-11 17:40:47

I have made an appt tomorrow at the local GUM clinic. Does anyone know how quickly the results are processed?

baguettecut Mon 05-Sep-11 17:51:31

First of all..please stop beating yourself up about this. Everyone makes mistakes sometimes. Secondly, guilt can make you think all sorts of things that aren't there, that spot could be nothing to worry about at all...the GUM clinic will test you and contact you in a few days if there's anything to report. IF there is, I say, IF...then you can think about telling your DP. Please try not to worry, easy to say, hard to actually do, but please try.

You had your reasons, as I say, mistakes happen.

RoverandRuth Mon 05-Sep-11 18:02:32

Thankyou baguette...the spot didn't characteristically look like a very small blister of the type I saw in the pictures..more like a swollen spot which had become slightly infected..but I'm naiive about these things. I am so desperately worried. Does pus usually come out of herpes spots does anyone know?? I am so desperately worried about this.. I don't want to blow my children's world apart....

baguettecut Mon 05-Sep-11 18:09:45

Stop Googling. NOW!

I understand that deperately worried feeling, you're panicking at the moment. Are you looking for problems though? - it just sounds like a slightly swollen spot to me. You must stop putting 2+2 together and getting 5.

You must think clearly...You can absolutely cope with this, draw on your inner strength. Please stop thinking the worst.

RoverandRuth Mon 05-Sep-11 18:14:46

I know Baguette..I've got to pull myself together..I am sat here shaking and crying... I've been such an idiot. I will stop googling..there is nothing I can now do about it. Dh is working late tonight and I won't see him. I almost rang him to ask him to come home but won't now. I shall go to the clinic tomorrow and then wait.

baguettecut Mon 05-Sep-11 18:34:30

You're doing everything you can. Stop punishing yourself. The GUM clinic will treat you with respect - you haven't killed anyone, just made a mistake, one you might just be able to put behind you forever very soon.

Please be kind to yourself. You're thinking the worst and torturing yourself.

Aislingorla Mon 05-Sep-11 18:50:34

The only poster speaking any sense on this thread is Madabout.
OP , I feel for you and ,yes, we all make mistakes but I would advise you to come clean and your tell youevr DH everything, him not knowing is lying by omission. It's taking away his choices.
If you were a male posting you would be severly flamed for having had an affair with unprotected sex! And if you were writing about your DH/P's affair he would be slated!
While I agree that we all make mistakes, etc., the hypocricy on MN is simply unbelievable!

doigthebountyeater Mon 05-Sep-11 18:59:41

Prob just a spot. I still say confess nothing. You are trying to alleviate your own guilt at the expense of your DH and DCs' feelings.

MadameOvary Mon 05-Sep-11 19:01:41

I would tell him.
Speaking as someone who recently got back with an old flame - I told him that I had cheated on him when we were first together because i knew that we could be sitting there happily but this black cloud would be hanging over me. I told him that he needed to know the person I was then (immature, untrustworthy, not terribly good morals) to know the person I am now (pretty much the opposite).
Obviously it wasn't pleasant for him but he then could decide for himself. I couldn't have tolerated keeping the secret and I didn't want any barriers to intimacy, as Madabout puts it so well.

If you do tell him, you have to do so on the understanding that it may be the end of your relationship. Do not make excuses. Do not expect forgiveness. If he decides that he wants to continue, you will have to earn his trust on his terms. There will be a lot of work to do.

I have friends who have successfully recovered from affairs. As my friend said "He trusted me to put the work in"
I feel for you. Hope it all works out okay.

maleview70 Mon 05-Sep-11 19:02:03

My ex wife confessed to an affair. I left her. You have to be prepared that confessing could lead to this. The only thing in your favour is that you sound like you regret it although saying you love your husband dearly is a bit much a couple of months after cheating on him and not even protecting his sexual health.

On the other hand if you keep it to yourself it could fester away only to reappear years later. I know of someone who had an affair and it came out 20 years later following a phone call out of the blue by the om wife after he decided that confessing was the right thing to do ! Affairs can always come back to bite you on the arse...

ImperialBlether Mon 05-Sep-11 19:04:34

I wouldnt tell him and I've lived with someone who loved his affairs.

You love him, you regret the affair and he hasn't noticed you have had the affair.

Obviously you will have to tell him if you have an STD, but wait and see what's happened there, first.

baguettecut Mon 05-Sep-11 19:10:51

Imperial speaks sense. You are punishing yourself far more than anyone else could hope to on here. You need support at the moment because I strongly suspect you are very fragile with all this. You don't need to be berated. Get through tomorrow first, then we can think again.

ImperialBlether Mon 05-Sep-11 19:20:20

I think if your fling was longer lived, if your husband suspected, if you thought you wouldn't be able to stop doing it, etc then yes, tell him.

Otherwise, treat it as a lesson learned. Always remember how you feel now at the thought of devastating your husband and your children and don't do it again whilst you're married.

cecilyparsley Mon 05-Sep-11 20:26:37

it doesnt sound like herpes...just a spot.
You say you are sick to the stomach and faint with shock...perhaps you are desperate to get rid of the horrible feeling and confessing feels like the obvious solution?
I say give yourself some time to calm down and think things through rationally, rather than acting out of fear and shock.

Telling your husband isnt a now or never thing, if, after weighing it up, you decide that he should be told then you still can.

However, I vote for keep quiet and put it behind you.
I hope you start to feel calmer soon smile

RoverandRuth Mon 05-Sep-11 20:35:31

why don't you think it sounds like herpes cecily? I do hope it is just a spot but I supposed I think with swollen throat glands, it's possibly too coincidental... sad

cecilyparsley Mon 05-Sep-11 20:56:05

RoverandRuth, herpes is the same infection as with cold sores on your face, so the spot would be like that.
Many people who are exposed to herpes dont exhibit symptoms because their immune system can suppress it, in the same way they pretty much everyone has been exposed to the herpes simplex (cold sore) virus but not everyone gets them.

I think this site explains things fairly well.

Also I think that if you have herpes simplex/cold sores you have some immunity to 'below the waist' herpes (it can be on the buttocks and legs)

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