Does this sound right?

[Flossie69]

Hello wise ladies of MN

I have lurked on relationshops for ages, and have occassionally posted, but haven't started my own thread before. Many a time I have read what has been written on others' threads, and have found it very helpful to me. Now I have come to a point where I need some specific help, advice and hand-holding.

The issue is complex, and I don't want to drip feed, but also don't have the emotional energy right now to type the whole lot out, so will keep to the immediate and essential.

DH and I have been having issues for quite a few years now, emerging after the birth of DS 12 years ago, and escalating significantly after the birth of DD 15 months ago. Basically, he has withdrawn from me emotianally and sexually - the last time we had sex was when DD was concieved. He has issues going back to childhood which he is now exploring, and has explored Aspergers, due to DS being diagnosed with it, and now realises he to has it to some extent.

He says he wants to sort out the realtionship, that there is no one else involved, but to sort it out he needs to move out. I can't get my head around how this will help to sort things out. He says he needs time and space, and that he will still help with taking DS to school, with house stuff, and that we will spend more quality time together. He also wants to get professional counselling for his issues, and wants us to go to Relate. But I am just not getting how it will help, practically, as well as with my emotional state, which is quite down, due to the length of time this has been going on.

Again, I stress, he says there is no one else invloved, and I want to am inclined to believe him, but I have struggled to trust him, and have snooped extensively, but have found no evidence.

This is already longer and more rambling than I intended - would appreciate some insight. Will this separation help, or is it the beginning of the end.

Thank-you

[Besom]

Hi Flossie, sorry you're going through this. I won't be much help but just wanted to reply to you. Hope someone comes along who has done this kind of separation to advise.

It seems positive at least that he wants to go to relate etc. Are you willing to go with him to counselling? Your post seems mainly about what he wants and you've not explicitly said what you want?

[Flossie69]

Hi Besom thanks for replying.

Yes, I am more than willing to go to counselling. Over the years I have flagged up the issues and tried to get them sorted, and it is only now that he is facing up to everything.

What I want is for the realtionship to be mended - I am jusy struggling to see how a separation will help.

[Flossie69]

One of the reasons he says he needs to move out is that it will do him good to miss us, and that once he is doing his own cooking and laundry he will appreceiate me more Perhaps I should drop him off the whole family's washing, to enhance his experience?

[MilkandWine]

I'm sorry to hear of your problems OP.

I really cannot see how your DH moving out is going to help things. He says it will help him 'appreciate' you more. Erm sorry but you should be working on why the hell he never helps with the housework in the first place. Him moving out so that he can move back in and 'appreciate' you skivvying for him more is hardly going to be a step forward is it?

Basically he is suggesting a separation to help you stay together. Can he not see that this is a contradiction in itself? You say he is facing up to your issues but I'm sorry he isn't. If he was then he would not be suggesting moving out to 'help' with things.

What do you want to do about things? Do you think that your marriage can be saved? Also (and I hate to say this) are you 100% sure that there is not another woman somewhere? Simply because his attitude is a very odd one for a man who want's to save his marriage to have

[Notquitegrownup]

I rhink that you ought to repost this with a new thread title, asking for support from people with experience of asbergers in a partner (or older child.) There are a number on here. The idea of your dh moving out to work on his feelings sounds contradictory to us, but people with more experience of asbergers will advise as to whether it might be genuinely helpful for your dh.

"He will still help with taking DS to school, with house stuff . . . we will spend more quality time together. He also wants to get professional counselling for his issues, and wants us to go to Relate" - this all sounds very positive. It does sound as if your dh is prepared to put in the effort to work at your relationship. It is important that you also find time and space for yourself, so that as well as working on your relationship, you also use the next few weeks and months to think about what might make you happier too: redecorating? joining a gym? spending more time with girl friends or with your dh - take the chance to think about what you want, so that it is not all about him and his needs . . . .

Best of luck

[Flossie69]

MilkandWine yes I think the marriage can be saved, unless there is another woman, and I am not 100% sure there is not. But he made the point that if there was, he would just go, not want to do all the work on the relationship.

Notquite - have reported to change thread title. I am not really sure what I want, apart from to regain my husband and companion. The rest of what you suggested all sounds good, but I can't quite seem to muster the energy or time for any of it. DH says he will come back to babysit if I need to go out. So I did make the point to him that he will be spending all his time here anyway. I just don't get it!!!!!

[Notquitegrownup]

Aw bless you. Try adding "eat more chocolate/watch slushy DVDs" for other less energetic options for treating yourself . . . .

Hope that you can both get back your dh/relationship and some extra joy in life for you too.

[SarahBumBarer]

OK - I don't want to be the voice of doom but I also agree that the best way to work on a relationship is from within the relationship not outside it. He needs to learn to appreciate you while he is still living with you and part of the relationship - otherwise what? Is he going to move out every couple of years after taking you for granted for several months and then move back when doing his own washing gets to much for him (having enjoyed the nicer bits of family life in the meantime)?

In my experience people generally suggest separations when they want the relationship to be over but 1) don't have the guts/are not quite ready to admit it and 2) hope that the idea of a temporary separation will sell it to the other person and enable them to come to their own conclusion that the couple is better off apart.

However I have no experience of Aspergers in grown adults so how this affects how he behave/makes choices I have no idea.

I think that a separation which is proposed on the basis of "hopefully being temporary" is extremely hard on the partner which does not want the separation because it puts them in a terrible limbo where the other person has all the power and they cannot really move on with their life. If you are going to accept this then you actually have to try to move on with your life while you are apart so that either you are moving on and can deal with it better if it does all end or so that you have something new to bring to the relationship if it can be salvaged.

[SageMist]

I think he is asking for your permission to leave. Then when it doesn't bring you back together, he will blame you, saying that you allowed him to go.

Unfortunately I only know of one marriage that has survived a 'temporary separation'. So, if he moves out, I think its likely that this will be the death knell of your relationship, sorry.

[Flossie69]

The more I think about this, the more unhappy I am about his decision, but I am afraid I will not be able to sway him. I think there must be other easons, as all the ones he has given simply do not stack up.

I have re-posted this thread with the Asperger's in the title, in the hope that there may be some more clarity from that angle.

Thanks to all who posted here - I am hoping this is not the end, but am aware it may well be :(

[notsorted]

I know of one relationship that came back together after a temporary separation. No underlining diagnosis but there had been several serious upheavals in their lives and the H was having midlife crisis affair.
I talked to both of them on a holiday before they separated - ok weirdly open couple. She got to set some of the terms and in realisation that she had few options - he would either appreciate what he had or fall further for OW, she was calmly forceful.
H did have counselling about his lovelife dilemma (what he thought was problem) but good counsellor said immediately that the problem was within him. They are back together.
I'd guess you need the space to think through - ask him to do specific boring tasks for the DCs, not just the fun bits so yes - the washing - while you move on with your life too. It's hard but perhaps in this you don't have a choice and all those threads where H just suddenly ups and leaves suggests that when they go, they go.

[MajorB]

Hi Flossie, so sorry you are going through this.

A friend of mine went through a very similar experience with her husband who had "childhood issues" and needed to move out so he could "find himself" but was still "very committed to their marriage".

In his instance what that translated to was not an affair, but a string of sexual encounters with a wide variety of women and the collection of some very nasty sti's, all of which he passed onto his wife when he returned to the family home after a year, claiming to be "cured" and suggesting they try for another child.

I would be very wary of entering into this agreement as although separate homes may work for some marriages, it's more likely to be seen as a license to live the single life, but dip into the fun bits of family life when it suits.

If your DH is set on this idea, and you don't want to give up on him straight away, have you considered suggesting that the second home is shared by both of you, so each of you has two nights in the home, followed by two nights in the flat on your own (for example) as at least at way you can see if a) he's serious about contributing to family life & b) he doesn't get to lead a bachelor life while you do all the shit work.

The idea of leaving your children for a few nights each week may be horrible to you, but it might be worth suggesting to him, if only to see how he reacts to the idea.