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Why is this affecting me so much? - help please

(15 Posts)
goatinacoat Sun 04-Sep-11 16:51:26

Since H left (after his affair was eventually outed) for OW 18 mths or so back, leaving me with small dc's in some pretty difficult circumstances (won't go into detail as it will out me), life turned into a bit of a soap opera with one revelation about him after the next. I've been trying to steer through it with my head held high and have pretty much managed it, I hope.

I am civil and business like with XH - it's the only way I can deal with him. He was cruel and left me in the lurch in very many ways, but have no wish to become bitter. I've had counselling and have really moved on, with a lovely, supportive DP, but have the odd day of feeling unbearably sad about the way things turned out for my little family.

I've just found out OW is pg and it's knocked me for six. Neither she and her XH nor H and I are even divorced yet. My youngest dc is only 3. I really don't want XH back, or crave having any more dc's myself - it's not about that - he behaved horribly, and most of his family no longer speak to him as a result of what he's done, but the thought of him starting another family is just unexpectedly awful and makes me feel so sad for our dc's, for some reason.

I couldn't bring myself to congratulate him, I don't really know what to do or say. I want to continue being dignified, but have no wish to see him, or hear any details about the baby from him or any other member of his family. I feel totally out of my depth about how to handle this when it makes me feel so sick to my stomach.

In honesty, I just want to move right away from this area, where he and his family live (I'm a long way from family and old friends).

Is this just another thing that I'll get over in time? Thanks so much for reading this.

lubeybooby Sun 04-Sep-11 16:53:55

It's hard but you will get used to it. The baby will be your DC's sibling so you can't just completely ignore it.

I know technically half sibling but I have a 'half' brother and I love him just as much as anyone does their siblings.

mamas12 Sun 04-Sep-11 16:56:19

I would move if you really need to. Why should you feel more suffering because you just can't have your nose rubbed in any more of his bloody drama.
Get some support you need.

goatinacoat Sun 04-Sep-11 17:00:08

mamas12, I really wish I could post the extent of the dramas he's exposed me to, but it's all so unbelievable it would out me to anyone who knows me..

And lubey, you're right, I would never ignore the baby, especially where the dc's are concerned, I always want to do what's right and will do so however excruciating it is for me. This is a self indulgent post for me, as it's one of the only places I can really vent.

IWantWine Sun 04-Sep-11 17:00:14

ahhh if you can move I think you should! your child/children have no 'need' to have their step siblings in their lives! But they need to have a happy mum.

Xales Sun 04-Sep-11 17:00:51

Your DC are being usurped just like you were by another. Or this is your fear.

He 'replaced' you with another woman will he 'replace' your children?

Your poor DC through no fault of their own have a weekend father (I assume). Daddy is going to be with another child every day week in week out which they are not good enough for.

It is also a little obscene to bring a child into a relationship where both parties are nasty cheaters and not even officially divorced.

Not sure how coherent any of that is but does it make some sense?

Just make sure that you and your DC are safe and protected from any financial impacts /hugs

jan2011 Sun 04-Sep-11 17:05:58

hey, just wanted to say that must be so hard for you and im sure you are going through so many different emotions right now. please lean on other people who you are close to for support at this time and try to take care of yourself, don't bottle it all in - hugs to you

goatinacoat Sun 04-Sep-11 18:51:25

Bloody hell Xales, you've nailed it there. That's exactly what it is. I don't want the dc's replaced as he's done with me. I know how much it hurts and don't want them to feel a shred of that. He's missing one of his own dc's first days at school this week to be with OW's. That doesn't seem to have registered with anyone but me, but it really stings.

We weren't enough to keep him interested (he spent so little time with me, the dc's or any of us as a family when they were younger, and is only just stepping up a tiny bit now) but he's reinventing the same situation he professed to feel trapped in with someone else.

He also said to me ages ago that he doesn't plan on making the same mistakes twice where the dc's were concerned. At that point they were young enough that he didn't have to make the mistake even once. It chilled me a bit.

Jan, thanks for the hugs, that's really appreciated. I haven't really spoken about it yet in RL. I wanted to think it through a bit first, but I definitely will, and I know I have lots of support if I need it.

PattyPenguin Sun 04-Sep-11 19:05:29

I wonder whether the OW's pregnancy was planned by them both or whether it was her decision, to try to tie him to her.

I gather she has children from her previous relationship. I wonder how long it will take him to get bored with OW and her children, including his own child with her.

I'm just wondering all that in light of the things I've seen more than once in RL.

goatinacoat Sun 04-Sep-11 19:31:13

Patty, I wondered that too, but knew from her XH that she'd always wanted another child so it wasn't massively unexpected in that way, but the timing is awful for them for many other practical reasons (concerning them, not me.)

It's also turned out very recently that OW wasn't the only woman H was seeing at the time of our split (this is where it goes a bit Eastenders!), so it was never a case of him falling out of love with me and in with her. It seems the guy I thought would never cheat was dipping his wick all over the place. I can't imagine OW feels particularly secure, no matter how charming and reassuring he's being.

AnyFucker Sun 04-Sep-11 21:41:24

hi there goat

Just seen this thread

I think xales did nail it there

you don't have to be happy about have every right to feel cheated, and for you to feel your own dc's have been cheated out of the childhood they should have had

you can see that he is just repeating what he supposedly got tired of why would he discard what he had with you just to repeat it again ?

no matter

it doesn't matter what he said/what he really means/what this means for him

you just try to make sure your sense of fairmindedness continues, but not to the detriment of your own dc's

his new "family" is his business and affects you only as much as it affects your children...only time will tell you that

you sound like a wonderful mother having an understandable wobble...what does your DP say about it ? He is being supportive, I hope ?

goatinacoat Mon 05-Sep-11 19:59:06

thanks AF, it helps to understand that my feelings are valid. I've spent so long trying not to be bitter, I think I've lost sight of the fact that I am actually allowed to feel angry now and again!

DP is being great. He has always been good with the dc's, particularly with ds who has some mild SN, and is just a really caring, kind man. He understands why I feel wobbly, and is really supportive.

AnyFucker Mon 05-Sep-11 20:26:21

oh, glad to hear it

there are good blokes out there, never forget it

console yourself with this...who has the booby prize here ?

heleninahandcart Mon 05-Sep-11 20:55:24

OP your feeling are normal. After everything you went through he has just presented you with yet another shift in your reality which you weren't prepared for. And this one also directly affects your DCs (again). We all know the world isn't fair but we still somehow want it to be and this must feel very unfair to you. I'm sure you will proess this in due course just as you have with much else.

goatinacoat Tue 06-Sep-11 12:22:34

Thanks helen. I think everything has been up in the air so long, I just want it to settle, even just for a while. I probably just need to stay as detached as much as I can from it all for my own sanity.

And you're so right about the fairness aspect too. That has always bothered me, how some people are capable of behaving so badly towards others and still seem to come up smelling of roses.

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