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I'm so upset- fucking git.

(218 Posts)
NearlySpring Sun 04-Sep-11 14:14:12

Actually he's not, he's sweet and lovely but I think I needed to get that out my system. He's upset me so much.

You may have read my last thread, basically very old friend back on scene, met up once and ended up kissing and having lovely time but he said afterwards "not comfortable going down that road as you're not long out of a relationship" we have text back and forth every day since and he asked me to meet him again. I have been unsure if he likes me as more than a friend and asked here that very question. Most of you said it sounds like he's interested in me so Ive felt confident about meeting him last night. I asked if he wanted dinner and drinks and a movie at mine and gave him the option to go out for meal and drink instead but he said he'd like to come to mine.

So he came over last night. We had wine in the garden and lots of chatting and laughing. We had dinner then moved onto my little sofa for a film. We had candles on and it was all lovely. He's a real gent and very shy and I decided to wait for him to make a move first so I knew how he was thinking in terms of us being any more than friends. He put his arm around me and pulled me close to rest my head on his shoulder (sorry it's all a bit soppy). We were sober, had only shared a bottle of wine over a few hours so it wasn't a drunken move. We sat like this for an hour or so and he was stroking my arm and hand the whole time. Then for the second half of the film
he half laid down and I cuddled up next to him and we were messing around tickling each other and generally being flirty.

(if you made it this far without vomitting then thank you..)

So we both sat up at the end of the film and had a "moment" he smiled a cheesy smile and our faces were real close. We had a peck and then I put my hand on his shoulder and went for a snog and he pulled away. sad I was shocked as he'd been instigating the touchy-feely ness the whole night. He said to me he really likes me but doesnt feel that way about me and he would feel uncomfortable kissing and giving me the wrong impression as he doesn't feel we could have a relationship that would work. Well I wanted to cry, and just couldn't understand as his words and actions suggest the total opposite. I had been very sure to make sure it was him not me that was making the moves.

I decided not to let it spoil the evening and we sat in the dark chatting after the film finished. He turned the tv off and I asked why and he said he thought it's nice just to sit in the dark and quiet and chat together. He pulled me close for a cuddle then we had a little mess around tickling and acting like silly teenagers. We starting drinking more and got quite tipsy. So by the end of the evening we sat giggling with him laying on the sofa on his back and me sat "over him" Our hands up each others tops stroking arms and backs and being sensual but not necessarily sexual. This went on for well over two hours! But still no kissing. Sorry if tmi but I did t notice he had an erection quite a bit so I guess it's not because he doesnt find me attractive that he's behaving this way.

Then it was time for him to go and we had a cuddle and said goodbye. He text as soon as he was home and said that he had a lovely evening.

I'm so confused. He's not the sort of guy that is just after sex, he made no sexual advance toward me me just lovely touching and stroking etc. Of course last time we met we kissed lots and this time apart from him telling me he didn't see us being able to have a realtionship all his words and actions suggest otherwise. I really cannot think of a reason for these "mixed signals" and it's really quite upsetting. I'm totally smitten with this guy and we've loosely made arrangements to meet again in about 10 days time when he gets back from his business trip. We have so much in common
and before we lost touch before we had a few dates and always had quite a connection.

I saw him this morning at a group that we're both members of and he was his usual sweet self. He text me before we got there and said "I'm up and will be there but Im very tired" I replied "Im not to blame, you chose to stay up late! smile" and he said "don't tell tales, it was your fault! smile"

I need to step away and forget about him don't I? sad

DrinkFeckArseGirls Sun 04-Sep-11 14:20:10

He's a manipulative, cruel or thoughtless at best cunt who gets his kicks from fucking you about. Sorry, got to run to the shops but I'm sure others will explain in detail. Twat (him).

LaurieFairyCake Sun 04-Sep-11 14:22:56

Yes, I think you do.

Men who fancy you kiss you and touch you. It really should be that simple at the beginning.

It sounds like he will eventually have sex with you and then blame you for thinking if means something as he 'warned' you he didn't want to be with you.

Whatever, it shouldn't be like that at the beginning.

babyhammock Sun 04-Sep-11 14:24:46

Mixed messages or what!
No wonder you're confused..

Hmmm are you sure he isn't in a relationship already? The only explanation I can see is that he has a girlfriend (probably long term), fancies you like mad and is getting a load of cheap thrills but in his mind isn't 'technically cheating'..

Arghhhh x

FagAshLill Sun 04-Sep-11 14:25:03

Oh Nearly, I was so hoping you were going to prove me wrong on the other thread. I've been hoping I was wrong and thought about that thread a few times this week.

Sorry love but this bloke is just messing you about. You dont need this and to make it worse, this is really going to hurt you for a while.

Just drop him, delete him off FB, delete his number, and try to keep your head up in the group you are both in. Just talk to him politly but dont make any arrangements.

It's going to be a bugger to get through but you will get through it a little wiser and a little more tougher. Hang in there babe.

babyhammock Sun 04-Sep-11 14:26:42

Or
He gets a kick out of winding you up.
Either way, he is baaaaad news..

NearlySpring Sun 04-Sep-11 14:27:10

Drinkfeckarsegirls- I know many men (and women) are like this but he is the sweetest kindest and most gentle person have ever met. He has many friends, would do anything for anyone, the kind of guys who babysits and loves seeing his friend's kids, loves bunny rabbits etc :p

He is very into his church and religion. Do you think me not being a strong Christian with a religious background and that Im a single parent already etc might be the reason he feels we couldn't have a relationship?

lubeybooby Sun 04-Sep-11 14:27:10

How annoying, and frustrating....even though he didn't go for the kiss the rest of everything he has done is acting very interested and much more than friendly. I have a fuzzy head today so can't quite articulate what I think about this! I'm sort of torn between agreeing with the above posters re: twattishness and just leaving it, and also talking frankly to him and saying that you do feel 'that' way, and feel ready and not rebounding despite not being single long, and seeing what he says.

LittleHousebytheRiver Sun 04-Sep-11 14:28:00

Not necessarily DFAG. He may be wary of getting tangled up in something emotionally messy, or wary of getting hurt himself if he is a rebound fling.

OP the best thing is still probably to back off either way and try not to have any expectations of him. Maybe see other people and/or enjoy your own company. If it is meant to be with him then taking time and going slowly won't harm. If he is actually a twat then you wont have invested too much and won't get your heart smashed as badly.

What is his track record? Has he had successful relationships before?

NearlySpring Sun 04-Sep-11 14:32:04

Babyhammock- No, he definity isn't in a relationship already, Ive been tongue flat and he lives alone, we have mutual friends too so thy would have mentioned it. Plus we were great friends about 10 years ago and I know he holds really strong moral values and would never cheat, never. He's very passionate about faithfulness. But I also know he has had previous long term realtionships so he's not a virgin or a commitmentphobe.

Bugger it. sad Im not contacting him again. I just cannot afford to get hurt by the man who makes me smile so often and the man who I shared the most lovely sweet cuddles and moments with last night.

ChippingIn Sun 04-Sep-11 14:32:12

I think you need to ask him straight up why he thinks you couldn't have a proper relationship.

MadameOvary Sun 04-Sep-11 14:32:45

Oh, massive sympathy for you. I knew someone like this. I had an amazing night with him, felt very intimate, no sex...then next day he said
"I think we should be a tad more platonic"
His.Exact.Words.

I was crushed. We had never kissed either. This wasn't the last time it happened either but heigh-ho, I was young, and it was twenty years ago.

Actually they sound identical. Is this man a writer?

JarethTheGoblinKing Sun 04-Sep-11 14:33:39

I knew somebody like this for years. Never did really suss him out but I think he was an insecure twat who liked the flirty bit even if he didn't fancy you. I also think that it was the only way he knew how to be around girls sometimes and didn't realise how confusing he was being !

DP is less forgiving in his description of him. He just refers to him as a slimy perve smile

dreamingbohemian Sun 04-Sep-11 14:40:00

Yes I do think the religion thing is a big part of it (speaking from my experience anyway).

But in the end, it doesn't matter really why he's behaving like this. He is telling you flat out that you cannot have a relationship. So why torture yourself any longer??? Never mind why he is behaving so oddly, there is no way this will end well so best cut it off now.

He may be really nice, but it's not nice at all to treat you this way. Very selfish. And odd.

chris123456 Sun 04-Sep-11 14:40:46

Why dont you talk to him and tell him how you really feel - and that he is giving you mixed messages you find confusing. Talk dont text!

Hatesponge Sun 04-Sep-11 14:42:02

I think there are 2 possible explanations:

Either he's just a complete twat/gameplayer. Who gets off on the thrill of the chase, but once he knows women are interested in him, he's onto the next bit of excitement.

Or he's just incredibly naive and doesn't realise he's giving out such mixed signals.

In anything other than an adolescent male, I would tend towards the former. Avoid him at all costs, however nice he seems to other people. Being an outwardly 'nice' person doesn't always equate to being any good at relationships. I'd be interested to know how his other relationships ended....I'd bet that he would say it was all their fault, that they were mean to him etc.

FabbyChic Sun 04-Sep-11 14:46:15

I too think this is something to do with his religion.

I do think though that how you both behaved last night is not how friends behave but more how two people starting a relationship behave.

Tell him he gives you mixed signals and whilst you enjoy his company and wish to spend more time with him, the time you spend together has to be spent with no physical touching at all be it hugs or otherwise.

NearlySpring Sun 04-Sep-11 14:52:35

Thank you all, it means a lot that you'd offer kind words and advice.

To answer your questions...He's not adolescent he's in his early thirties. When he said about the realtionship thing I did tell him straight up that I fancied him and he told me that he thinks Im very attractive too. The more I think about it I think perhaps the religion thing could be a possible answer. I suppose someone so deeply religious and involved with his church would find it hard to have a relationship with someone outside of that? Perhaps? I do go to church but it's relatively new for me and only recently found my faith. I have never discussed my faith with him and I think he thinks I only go as my sister goes and I'm just accompanying her perhaps. All his ex girlfriends have been from his church and no, he has never said any bad words about them and has said they ended on civil terms.

Stepping away seems like the best option. I've made plans to have some friends over tonight to get him out of my head!

DrinkFeckArseGirls Sun 04-Sep-11 14:53:10

Nearly - not all twats easily advertise what they are. He could be as virtuous as you say but it's enough to look at his actions to see that he is not treating you respectfully (as if you're good enough to mess about but not to go any further with). I don't know whether it's only the way you see yourself as 'unworthy' of him because you're a single parent and not religious (what a load of tosh) but if you might have an inkling that's the way he thinks than it means he is not all that Christian if he feels superior to you. I'm sorry, his behaviour is awful and don't get fooled by the "loving kids and bunnies' act. If you still think he is such an honorable person and he doesn't know what he's doing than he is an idiot and still should be steered clear of.

NearlySpring Sun 04-Sep-11 14:55:39

fabbychic We talked about the cuddles and he said he liked being close to me and hugging etc. He was very tactile with stroking my arm, linking fingers, we had both hands together palms flat at one point and just sat there smiling at each other.

Fucketty fuck. I've not felt all stressed and confused like this since I was in my teens.

dreamingbohemian Sun 04-Sep-11 14:58:22

Nearly sounds like a good plan!

I really think it's the religion thing. The very Christian men I have known would never date someone who was not equally religious (and tbh would probably prefer to date a virgin or someone with very little sexual experience). The fact that he was 'sensual but not sexual' is to me a dead giveaway.

Ah well -- his loss! Have fun with your friends tonight smile

MrsSatsuma Sun 04-Sep-11 15:01:38

I had a very good friend who was a Christian with 'strong moral values'. She went off with my then-boyfriend while I was away one weekend. angry

Not saying this is true of him - or tarring all religious believers with the same brush - just that being religious doesn't make anyone infallible to wrongdoing!

Sorry you're in this situation. I hate it when people do this - it's so confusing!! I agree it's probably best to leave it or you may go through this every time you see him. I don't think he's necessarily game-playing as in my experience many men genuinely don't realise how they come across (some are that dopey...) but until he makes his mind up you're just going to keep hurting, so you're best off out of it.

NearlySpring Sun 04-Sep-11 15:05:16

Dreaming Bohemian- smile Well Im definitely not a virgin, not a slag but I was quite a party animal when I was younger and he knows this. I know for a fact I have slept with a lot more men than he has women (not a lot really but his is a very low number). However this is all in the past, last ten years Ive been a good girl.

Hmm. I may have discovered the reason he is not interested. sad

chris123456 Sun 04-Sep-11 15:06:50

Don't guess = talk!!!!!

overmydeadbody Sun 04-Sep-11 15:07:09

I bet it's all to do with his religion. I have known other Christian men who behave like this, they fancy someone but that person doesn't fit with what they want from a relationship (usually because that person isn't as religious as them), so they create little boundaries for themselves like no snogging etc. to then justify to themselves that they are doing nothing wrong with all the flirting and physical affection.

I believe you that he is a lovely sweet guy, but he's also a guy with a strong faith that will always get in the wy, so you need to distance yourelf form him anyway so you don't get hurt. Have him as a friend but no more physical affection, if he won't instigte that you have to.

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