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Getting support from ex MiL

(9 Posts)
notsorted Sun 04-Sep-11 13:45:19

I've posted elsewhere, but in short v difficult ex and all sorts of abuse and after three months of all sorts I've reached watershed moment, helped by him not wanting any contact with DS.
I don't have parents and one good bit of support at times has been ex's mum. She has decades of his behaviour and while she hasn't taken sides, does do things for GS and has spoken out re some of the things he has done. So reasonably supportive and also fit, healthy and lives not too far away.
So I want to approach her re some regular arrangements as I get stressed by ad hoc stuff - ex was always dropping in and out of DS's life.
I was thinking of posting on gransnet, but thought I'd ask her first about how to approach her. What is reasonable to ask now that ex is effectively out of the picture.

ErOutdoors Sun 04-Sep-11 13:56:56

I think she'll be really pleased that you want her relationship to continue with your son, despite the behaviour of her own son. So I would simply contact her for a chat and ask if she would like to have him for an afternoon once a week - I'm sure she'll be really pleased to be asked. She can always choose to offer more if she wants to.

Sandalwood Sun 04-Sep-11 14:00:15

I think it's okay for contact with grandparents to be ad hoc.

notsorted Sun 04-Sep-11 15:36:51

Hi, thanks for that. I guess I need to ask her for some more practical long-term stuff. I'm still very shaken up by what's happened and want DS to have one other person in his life, other than me.
Bit worried about guilt tripping her to get involved because her S has behaved like this, on the other hand I need to survive long term and get a bit of support. I don't think I function well on ad hoc at present as still feeling my life is a bit out of control

catsrus Sun 04-Sep-11 18:31:10

I know my ex MIL adores her GCs and really values the part they play in her life - and they adore her (as do I to be honest!). If your ex MIL is supportive of you and your DS then I agree with eroutdoors - I think you should just have a chat with her and ask her if she would like to have some regular contact with DS because you think he would really love to see her on a regular basis.

notsorted Sat 10-Sep-11 12:21:35

Oh dear, completely mucked it up with ex MiL. We both ended up crying on the phone. And now don't know where I am. We end up having conversations about ex. I have accepted that he doesn't want to play a part in DS's life at the moment. She seems to think she can persuade him. I guess I have to leave it for a while. But feel that to survive I need some help for a bit. Feel it's either her or some more childcare. And now DS, who has given up asking for his Dad, asks for grandma as I think he knows that she is more likely to turn up than his Dad.
I know I have to, but feel I am the only person in the world who is responsible for DS and that he needs some regular contact with ex's side of the family. Sometimes feel as if I've done all the running to promote a relationship between her and DS and that if she doesn't come back then I should detach from her too so that DS detaches.

Sandalwood Sat 10-Sep-11 18:40:15

Sorry do you mean you ended up rowing? ('Come back'?)

notsorted Sat 10-Sep-11 19:17:54

well we did disagree but not rowing. We both cried at the mess all of this has caused.
I don't think ex MiL understands the pain of the whole thing and why I need some very clear boundaries re how this works or is sorted out. I trust her much more than my ex. She has turned up in emergencies ... but I'd just like some sort of temporary commitment re GS. It won't be for ever as I'm on my way ... but he has no other family to speak and when/if his Dad sorts himself out is an open question

jjgirl Sun 11-Sep-11 12:46:11

i think you need to be very clear with her about DS needing and wanting contact on a regular basis. can you angle it from DS and about his needs rather than yours?

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