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Help-dh being an arse again!

(12 Posts)
pink4ever Sun 04-Sep-11 01:29:48

Have posted before about dh and problems with inlaws. Sorry cant do links but other thread was about how we have spent 6 of the last 9 years at xmas with inlaws.
I am soooooooooo fed up of it-we also spend every sunday with them and have done for the last 12 years-so pre-dc.
This year I want to put my foot down and have xmas in our own home-which we have never done-with just dh,myself and dcs. Inlaws are welcome to visit on xmas before dinner or come round on boxing day.
Tonight I tried to instigate another conversation with dh about this. He refuses point blank to listen. Tries to make out I am unreasonable when I eventually lose my temper. Emotionally blackmails me with oh but my parents will spend xmas alone-they wont as is bil turn to go plus they have each other!
Dh argues for a living so is very hard to have a reasonable conversation with him without feeling browbeaten.
However I am determined that this year I need to grow a back bone. Please help me do so mnetters!

Tortington Sun 04-Sep-11 01:35:50

unless you are sugically joined at the hip, there is no eason for you to go round every sunday - if he wants to - great let him - let him take the kidsl, enjoy your sunday.

i think christmas is about family, and i think xmas day is usually about being some shade of miserable in the company of family - however, this is all palletable if i know i have done the right thing.

imagine if you and dh were old and your dil didn't want your son to see them on xmas day.

sure you would have each other, but how rubbish is xmas day with one other person, the same person you see everyday and no other family?

and xmas day is as long as you make it. if we ae having family round. we invite them round at 2pm, eat at 3pm ad chuck em out at the latest 5or6 pm. 4 hours of the day not too much

also your dh should do all the cooking if hes insisting - have a day off

pink4ever Sun 04-Sep-11 01:41:39

custardo-I have tried the not going to dinner on a sunday and sending dh but I have mil on the phone crying saying I dont like her or guilt tripping dh. He doesnt want to go there every sunday either-he does it because that is what they expect.
Re xmas-I would invite them for xmas if I thought they would come for dinner and then leave-they wont! they live 15 miles away and would refuse not to drink therefore would have to get a taxi and would expect to stay the night-we simply dont have the room!
Yes xmas might be rubbish in our own home with just each other and dc's but I would like to at least try it-for the first time in 10 years!. My dh and his parents have had 40 plus years of their idea of a family xmas-now I want mine.

mynewpassion Sun 04-Sep-11 06:20:50

Arguing for its all or nothing is going to get you nowhere.

You have the solution already: have the Christmas at your house and you organize transport for them home (taxi, you or your dh send them, another family member).

If that's what it is going to take, then you have to make some sacrifices. That or go to their house for xmas.

savoycabbage Sun 04-Sep-11 06:29:45

Passion is right. You have to make the arrangements. Invite them and make it clear that they are more than welcome and arrange a taxi for them at night. It will be easier for you to have a nice time in your own home. You will be in charge.

I wouldn't want to go to my MIL's every sunday but if my dh did then that would be fine. Like him going to the match every weekend.

RandomMess Sun 04-Sep-11 06:52:07

Yes book them a taxi home (and pay for it if need be). Tell them what time to arrive and have already booked the taxi to leave.

Moobee Sun 04-Sep-11 07:38:41

I read your other thread and really felt for you. I think the point made before that you want to create good Christmas memories of being at home for your children was good. He had that, why wouldn't he want to do it for his own children?

If he's good at arguing, just keep your top few strongest points and repeat those - makes sure he addresses them and don't let yourself get distracted into other areas.

Just for the record (although I'm sure they wouldn't listen to this) but having Christmas on your own (as a couple) is lovely! My husband and I have been together for 7 years and married for one, and the last few Christmasses we've had on our own (both sets of parents are are a two hour drive away). It's lovely and relaxing and the start of setting new traditions. Times change!

Proudnscary Sun 04-Sep-11 08:41:14

You absolutely have to put your foot down.

I say this understanding completely how hard that is, how daunting it seems.
From personal experience, it is the only way and it will work eventually.

You have to stay strong, accept that you will receive the manipulative phone calls and that you will be demonised.

It's like dealing with a spoilt child or one who's got into a bad habit eg coming into your bed in the night...the child will wail and cry and pretend to be ill/hurt/upset when you tell them they have to stay in their own bed until they get the message.

However re your dh, that's harder. I think you need to say it how it is - 'you don't want to go, I don't want to go, I know you can't take this step, I can and I am doing it out of love for you and the dc.' It is a real shame if he can't support you but hopefully he will come round too. Remember he is terrified of upsetting them and this is distorting the way he views it.

Horsemad Sun 04-Sep-11 09:57:56

OP, you must put your foot down about this! We live very close (as in the same road) to the inlaws and we spent the first 5 Christmases with them and I loathed it.

Finally, I inisted we had Christmas dinner in our own house one year, you'd have thought I'd told the lot of them to F* OFF! The only way I could get my H to compromise, was to agree we'd still go there in the morning and evening, but have dinner at ours on alternate years! We still do this and it's beginning to grate on me.

He's got a brother who has also trogged home every year, even when he was living with someone, they both went to their respective family homes for Christmas dinner! God knows how they'd have done it if they had kids. As my family live a long way away, it was never an option to spend Christmas there, so H had it easy really.

Take it from one who knows, make your decision and stand your ground!

FabbyChic Sun 04-Sep-11 09:59:51

You are a grown woman do not be held to emotional ransom.

Just tell your OH that you aren't going at Christmas and nor are the childen but but he is free to do what he wants.

Xales Sun 04-Sep-11 11:13:20

You don't have to argue with your H be he a professional arguer (is that a real word?) or not.

Simply state that you are not going because you don't want to as previously mentioned and leave the conversation.

If he comes to argue about it simply state you have told him that you are not going and do not engage. Simply repeat that and walk away every time he says something.

Do not argue in the slightest.

Xales Sun 04-Sep-11 11:18:44

In fact make it a done deal. If you want someone there or want them there get the invites out now so you can say sorry I have invited/arranged X, Y, Z and am not changing it.

Call them up. Tell them you are doing it at home and you are inviting them and that you will be very upset that they don't love you if they refuse however that is their choice...........

As for weekends. Make plans to do things. If you have arrangements you are not going to change or let people down.

Your H and his parents are very selfish expecting you to give up so much of your time when you don't want to and browbeating and emotionally blackmailing you isn't a sign of love or respect.

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