Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Oh God this is an all time low!

(23 Posts)
midwife99 Sat 03-Sep-11 23:32:19

At Center Parcs since last Monday, DH (!) hasn't touched me since we arrived even to kiss me on the cheek or hold my arm. We got a babysitter tonight & went out for dinner which was nice. I dolled myself up, got the cleavage our etc, back at villa. DH watching Bourne Whatever on TV, said goodnight, in bed alone. Watched other couples all week being affectionate & happy but I get stoney silences & Siberia. I know you'll all say dump the bastard. Just wanted to offload but continue being the fat ugly unwanted idiot because I'm not ready yet to face facts. Be gentle with me.

Collision Sat 03-Sep-11 23:33:02

Have you asked him what is wrong?

crje Sat 03-Sep-11 23:35:19

Dh wont do anything with kids in the room,maybe your dh is the same. Are things better at home ?
Watching bourne too,matt damon is yummy.

midwife99 Sat 03-Sep-11 23:40:16

We have a 3 bed 3 bath executive villa. Kids in own rooms. Same as at home! He says he's tired - he spent afternoon in spa after a lie in this morning!

lazarusb Sun 04-Sep-11 17:50:24

Communication. Tell him you need to talk. Make a time when there are no other distractions and tell him what you've told us. You don't have to settle for second best, especially when he is sitting in front of the tv! You are a woman, not only a wife, mother, cleaner. He needs to remember that and treat you accordingly. Actually...put a rocket up him!

lifechanger Sun 04-Sep-11 18:06:42

Ongoing problems or is this new? Will he talk?

Proudnscary Sun 04-Sep-11 18:22:32

What's an 'executive villa'?!
Anyhow, yes of course you are upset, you need to talk and like lifechanger I think the key is whehter this a new turn of events...? Sorry you feel so miserable about this.

midwife99 Sun 04-Sep-11 19:15:45

No it's been gong on for a while but surely there should be a difference on holiday??!!!!! An executive villa means lots of space & a private sauna & maid service do no excuse not to relax!! Vicious circle - I feel upset & miserable about being ignored & when I try to talk he says he's put off cos I'm upset & miserable!!

lifechanger Sun 04-Sep-11 19:20:27

The fact that he's treating you like this when you have both obviously invested time and energy into what should be a good holiday and relaxing break suggests you really do need to find out what's going on.

Do you think you'd be able to get through the rest of the holiday as best you can, enjoying the children, and perhars consider some counselling when you get back if he still won't talk?

FredBare Sun 04-Sep-11 19:49:52

why didnt you get in the spa with him

midwife99 Sun 04-Sep-11 20:48:56

We've spent all week in the spa. Yes I'll suggest counselling again .........

RandomMess Sun 04-Sep-11 20:52:15

Honestly I think you need to issue an ultimatum with hime, counselling or split. I know you don't want to be alone etc but that has been going on for months/years hasn't it?

goatinacoat Sun 04-Sep-11 20:52:42

It all sounds like very hard work to me. I am sorry.
How did you get on with counselling last time? Was he receptive to it?

twotesttickles Sun 04-Sep-11 20:54:22

Is he depressed? Have you got into a rut where you don't respect or appreciate each other anymore. I got into a state where my default response was 'oh that's so bloody typical of you' and it's very damaging. Go to RELATE. Honestly, it's worth it.

And for now. Try and be nice to each other. Do little things to show you care (even if you don't) because it becomes a habit to think nice things and assume the best rather than the worst about each other.

goatinacoat Sun 04-Sep-11 21:01:20

It can't work if you're not both trying though. I don't know your history, but right now it doesn't sound as though he's making any attempt to meet you halfway. Set a time limit for putting up with this, as it's seriously damaging to your self esteem to feel this way long term.

midwife99 Wed 07-Sep-11 07:44:03

It has been going on for years & in fact halfway through the holiday he did what he does regularly which was the sleep in another room & say he was leaving me when we got home. As usual next day he says he didn't say that & was just tired etc. He's an emotional bully & uses the withdrawal of affection as another way of hurting me. I am getting closer to the limit.

shesgotherlipstickon Wed 07-Sep-11 09:31:27

Oh leave him. Seriously just say next time when he says he's leaving you, "Ok there's the door, bye". Life is to short to live with a mind fuck like that.

goatinacoat Wed 07-Sep-11 11:40:48

Absolutely agree. That is a classic feature of emotional abuse - threatening to leave on a regular basis. Plus the gaslighting - denying you've heard what you know you did.

Eventually XH did it for about the tenth time, and I said "well go then" and he did. I've never looked back. I'm afraid you're just prolonging the agony by putting up with this as ime it never got better, and I lost a little of myself every time it happened.

CactusRash Wed 07-Sep-11 12:51:30

Just wanted to offload but continue being the fat ugly unwanted idiot because I'm not ready yet to face facts

I don't need to see a photograph of you to know that you are not either fat, ugly or unwanted!

I think you know already what is going on but facing the fact that your partner is abusive is a very difficult thing.
One step at the time. One of them needs to be to go and see a good counsellor to help setting yourself free.
And have a read about all the threads on here about Emotional Abuse. I found that what worked for me was to read them, realize I could see exactely where these women were coming from, how they felt, the hurt and also the inability to act and move out. That's when it suddenly clicked that if I was so able to 'understand' them that probably because I was in the same boat.


Bluebelle38 Wed 07-Sep-11 13:02:28

You poor thing. How long are you prepared to take this treatment.

He is being downright cruel.

I can't see how being on your own, building up your self esteem and not flogging a dead horse can be any worse than what you are living at the moment.

You are worthy of love and compassion and he is showing you none sad

kenobi Wed 07-Sep-11 13:09:33

They did a test of people's states of mind in and out of relationships according to levels of unhappiness.
Unsurprisingly, happily married/in a relationship came first.
Then happily single.
Then unhappily single
Then, and at the bottom of the list, way, WAY below unhappily single in terms of how unhappy, came unhappily married.
Because there's no hope and no looking towards the future (new friends, new partner etc), there's just the relentlessness of now.

The point I'm trying to make is that being single, even if it's not what you'd choose, is BETTER than being in an unhappy marriage.

Time to make a change, and it will only be for the better.

goatinacoat Wed 07-Sep-11 20:32:35

Kenobi, that's so true.

Being single was like a weight being lifted after years of that crap. And I wasn't single for all that long before I moved into the happily in a relationship category. The only regret I have is not doing it sooner. From the bottom of the list to the top in less than a year. smile

Life is too short to be with someone who deliberately starves you of love and affection. Seriously. You do deserve more.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now