Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Lack of interest from ils

(13 Posts)
DoingTheBestICan Sat 03-Sep-11 21:58:42

I am not going to name change for this so if anyone in rl recognises me then please dont out me.

I have posted on here before about how my ils treat my ds & i'll give you a brief rundown,

Been with dh for over 20yrs,married for 14,have a ds 5yrs old.

Dh has a sis who has 2 dds & a boyf who has moved out.

Sil has always been the favoured one,i.e when dh started working he had to pay nearly half his wages in keep,sil had to pay nothing.

Her eldest dd is 1 yr older then our ds,ils did a nursery at their house for her & were always going on family days out,we were never asked.

For family bdays they would always go to a restaurant,again we were never asked.

Ok,so i had ds & things went downhill dramatically,they live about 5 streets away from us & would go weeks between visits,i would always walk round with ds when he was in his pram & we would always drive by to see if they were in if we were passing,9 times out of 10 they would be out.

When ds was a tiny baby i walked round & it was sunny when i had left the house so had not brought the raincover,i was made to feel very uncomfortable at their house & left shortly,as i was walking out the door,it had started raining,i said 'oh its raining' & fil just said 'is it?' & shut the door on me & my new baby,i had to walk home in the rain.

Anyway i could go on & on but you get the jist,last Autumn we were at school one day & a family friend asked us how mil was doing,we replied that we didnt know what she was talking about,turns out she was in hospital.

We rung the hospital & fil but they never got back to us.A little while after that we had a knock at the door one Sat evening,it was fil to tell us mil had passed away.

Ironically this brought us together as a family for about 2 mths.

Then it was Christmas & i had everyone round to our home all day & we all tried to make merry for the children.Not long after that fil told us all he would like to take us all to Disney Florida on a family holiday.

We never mentioned it to our ds as dh was insistent from past experience it wouldnt happen.Anyway over Easter i again had everyone to our house & fil told us all again,& the children we were going to DisneyFlorida & he told dh & me to go to the travel agents the next available day to get quotes.

We did & ds was/is so excited.We got 2 quotes & the best one was brilliant,we took it round to fil & he said great,i'll just run the dates past sil & we'll book it.

Two days go by & the phone rings,it's fil wanting to speak to us,dh knows it aint gonna happen & sure enough he tells us that sil is saying it is too much money for him to pay.

Forgot to say but in the meantime,fil had asked dh to sign over all monies bequeathed to him from his dm so that he could set up a trust fund for each gc.Dh had to go to the solicitors & whilst there found out that the ils had paid sils house deposit for her,when we bought our home we had a radio off them.

So now back to the Disney saga,we were left with a 4 yr old little boy who still thinks he is going to Disney with his whole family.In the hols it was ds' bday,fil comes round just before with his card & he has eldest dn with him,she chirps us 'Grandad,when are WE going to Disney AGAIN?'

I just looked up at him as if to say yes when??

He had the grace to look ashamed before he said a week on monday.

So yes thats right,him,sil & her 2 dds went to Disney Paris on their own & never even asked us.

The next morning i contacted sil & told her that ds was very upset because he thought we were all going & she said she was sorry he was upset but it was her right to go on holiday where she liked,of course i said of course you can but it would have been nice to have all gone together.

On ds' bday i took him out for his tea as a treat as dh was working,fil had already said he was bringing ds' card early as he was busy on his bday so i never asked them to come out,it was just ds,me,my mum,bro & his gf.We get to the car park & i see fils car,i went in & you order your food at the bar,it is quite a big place so i couldnt see them straight away.

They brought our food over & i spotted the ils look over to us,i was about to wave when they put their heads down & quite quickly left.

They are back from Disney & we have been round to fils house about 4 times but each time he is out so we havent seen any of them since.

We are now saving to take ds to EuroDisney ourselves but i am so pissed off with them all,seriously what would you do in this situation?

I could go on & on about different things they have done but it is all along the same lines,but this is the shittiest thing they have done.

I feel so sorry for ds,he has no relationship with his Grandad & it is genuinely his loss as ds is a lovely little boy.

So do we go round & gloss over it all again or carry on ignoring?

HansieMom Sat 03-Sep-11 22:18:06

Did your DH give back the money bequeathed to him? Did SIL give back money she was willed? Doubt it. Is your husband's money now going to be divided between her two kids and your one?

DoingTheBestICan Sun 04-Sep-11 07:31:54

Dh has received no money at all,& yes fil wants all the money to be divided between the 3 gc instead of mils will stating it was between dh & sil.

RandomMess Sun 04-Sep-11 07:37:13

Unfortunately it sounds like MIL money has already gone, have those trust funds actually been set up and do you know if FIL can close them down or anything? Had it been different I would have asked for half of the MIL money back to take your family to Disney.

The ILs sound horrible or is it SIL who is entitled and FIL goes along with it... perhaps your DH needs to speak to her about it.

I think you may have to wave goodbye to MILs money though, don't expect to ever see it again.

peggotty Sun 04-Sep-11 07:39:37

I think you need to just cut them out of your Iives tbh. It sounds like your dh knows what they're like anyway. Would it really be that much of a loss. They are never going to change. Yes it does hurt when family dint appear to be interested in your children but you can't force them. It would be better for you own mental wellbeing to let it all go. Do you have a mum/dad that your ds sees?

RealityVonCrapp Sun 04-Sep-11 07:44:01

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DoingTheBestICan Sun 04-Sep-11 07:49:56

We dont know if the tfs have been set up,the last we heard fil was looking into it all as it was quite a complex thing to do.

Sil loves to play the 'woe is me' role & fil likes having someone to care for,yrs ago fil asked dh to sort out his pics on his pc for him & dh commented on the lack if pics of our ds & the many 100s of dns,fil replied back 'oh dont tell doingthebest but sil chose a wrong man & she needs more help'

I just feel sad for ds,my parents live about 10 miles away so we do see them but like i said earlier fil lives about 5 sts away.

Also fil is very hypocritical his own dm passed away some yrs ago & he sold her home & kept all monies formt hat,but wont allow his own ds to inherit from his dm.

It's getting arkward now because people are asking me how the disney trip went,fil has told neighbours/friends he was going to disney with his family,so i have now started saying actually we werent invited.

peggotty Sun 04-Sep-11 07:54:58

Concentrate on your ds' relationship with your own family. 10 miles isn't far away. It's irrelevant that your fil lives 5 streets away because he's shit! Disentangle yourself from them and stop dwelling on things that have happened - look on this as a new chapter in your lives where your il's don't matter anymore ....

DoingTheBestICan Sun 04-Sep-11 07:57:36

I know thats what we should do,but it is very hard to do that,i just remember ds' face looking at his granddad when the eldest dn asked when they were going to disney again sad

pink4ever Sun 04-Sep-11 09:53:40

doingthebest-where is your dh in all of this? Im afraid I would be far angrier with him for allowing his father to treat your son like this. Why the hell did he go along with giving the inheritence back?-madness. This is the thing I would be sorting out asap. Ask for a meeting with fil and say you are concerned as he has already broken his word that you cannot trust him to ensure your dc's get their share of the inheritence.
His reaction to that will tell you whether it is worth trying to maintain a relationship with them. I think you have to stop all the pussy footing around him and call him on his behaviour point blank. And tell your dh to grow a pair!

FabbyChic Sun 04-Sep-11 09:58:27

Go with the will do not change anything, if your DH was left money it is rightly his. Please don't change it, you have done enough to accomodate this man and your DH sister they are taking the piss. They don't care about you, have no time for you why are you even entertaining them?

Cheaptrick Sun 04-Sep-11 10:15:35

I'm confused. Did your dh give the money to your fil or did he not get any money at all?

I would cut the ils out of your life. They are not nice people and you dont need them - they are not worth the hassel.

I would be honest with friends and other people and tell them what ils are like. Dont let them make you lie.

Also i would be saying no it handing over the money. It was in the will and thats what mil wanted. Then put it all in a trust fund for your son and thank him for the idea.

They are so not nice people - stop trying to make them change it will never happen.

mynewpassion Sun 04-Sep-11 19:28:34

The reality is that the sil is the favored child. Your dh has accepted this and so have you. This time its not you or your dh has been upset but your ds. It brings out the most protective instincts of a parent. You are adults and can handle it but a child just don't understand yet.

Your fil is chicken sh*t for excluding and major disappointing your ds about the Disney trip. I hope he burns in hell (ok strong language I know but that was really mean of him.) It wasn't the sil's money but the fil's money that paid for the trip.

You and your dh should say to him that while you understand that he and your late mil gives more to the sil, you guys are very angry that he upset the ds. This is something that's unforgivable because you now have a distraught little boy who was so looking forward to the trip to spending time with the fil and his cousins. Now, he will understand that he was deliberately left out. Until, your fil can make it up to the ds, you guys will refuse to see him. Furthermore, you guys are taking the money back from the mil's estate.

MIL's estate money: you do realize that some of your dh's portion will be given to your sil's children, right? You have one child, she has two. Your dh should take his money back and put it in a trust fund for your ds and future children.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now