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Not in love anymore - lost.

(14 Posts)
LonelyQuandry Sat 03-Sep-11 19:21:25

Namechanger regular here.

Aitch the camping maestro, red rug, pom bears etc

will try hard not to drip feed but suspect this will be an essay.

In a nutshell I am no longer in love with my husband. In fact I find him an irritation and inconvenience more often than not. Sometimes we have a conversation (normally about work-in the same industry) and we actually have an animated discussion.

The vast majority of the time he just irritates me. I cant bear the idea of having sex with him it's barely adequate anyway. I dont fancy him and haven't for years. I feel like all we do is co-parent the kids and I feel like im suffocating.

The worst thing is he is a lovely bloke. He works hard, adores me and the kids and would probably do anything for his family.

On the downside he is bloody lazy round the house domestic anything is my domain and getting him to do anything bar put the bins out is a total nightmare. I suspect he would let the whole house fall down round our ears if not prompted.

I would rather live on my own, I would happily do 50\50 custody if it was best for the kids or whatever works. In my ideal scenario we could live in the same area so the kids could trot themselves from one to the other. If this could be magicked up tomorrow without acrimony I would be fecking delighted.

And yet, yet, am I being self indulgent? does anyone look on their partner/husband etc of more than 10 years with anything more than meh?
Should I just accept this and avoid disrupting everything? I dont know what to do.

frazzle26 Sat 03-Sep-11 19:29:42

He must have some redeeming features?? Being a single parent is hard, whilst you may like the idea, the reality isn't all that great. Try and focuson what you do love about him and hopfully it will outweigh the annoyances. Talk to him seriously about the housework as it's definitely not right if he's not doing his share.

Wisedupwoman Sat 03-Sep-11 20:12:13


You're not in love any more.

He irritates you.

He's an inconvenience (how so, I wonder?)

there's nothing left in common apart from your DC's (are you sure)

He's lazy (or maybe depressed?)

You would be delighted to separate and share parenting. (it's hard work, harder than you might think and very different from your current situation)

Why are you asking if you're being self indulgent? If you're absolutely sure of the above, and you've tried to address these by rekindling your couple relationship (either with or without couple's therapy/going out alone etc), have had frank discussions with him about how you feel, asked him to take on more of the joint responsibilites, and asked him if he's happy with the way things are - and NONE of these have worked - then maybe it's time to bail.

Or maybe you can try the above, be honest and talk to him, and see if he is feeling and thinking the same things. He might be scared shitless but not know what to do for the best.

Good luck. Don't envy you, but now you've said it talk to him, and keep posting. smile

TheOriginalFAB Sat 03-Sep-11 20:14:20

What are you asking? Becasue other than "does anyone else feel meh about their husband's" I can't see a question.

I have been with mine for 15 years and are still very much in love.

If you are not happy then you have to do something about it. Someone can only make you unhappy if you let them.

LonelyQuandry Sat 03-Sep-11 21:02:11

I suppose im asking if it is self indulgent to put the kids through a split up just because im not happy.

I mean it's not as if he's abusive in any way. I just think that I would be happier living alone with the kids. I cant be bothered with all the stuff that comes with living with another adult. I dont want to be sharing my bedroom, I dont want to have to remember his families stuff and his stuff. I would love to come home at night sort kids out, do bedtime and then be alone!

wisedupwoman have tried to do more going out as a couple, Im ambivalent really. I do go out alone with mates, sister etc and I have a great time. I encourage him to do the same and he does occasionally. He would be very happy being at home all the time.

I suppose (grits teeth) we do need to have the big chat. Its not the first big chat, weve been together 14 years. At one point I do think he was depressed he got enormously overweight (8stones overweight) and his personal hygiene and pride in his appearance went south. I did point out very gently that he was letting him self down and he made improvements in all the areas. He's not 100% but who is?

We had a really really tough time after our first kid, awful awful birth and I didnt heal from my cut for 16 weeks. He pestered me relentlessly for sex and I felt so hounded I eventually gave in for the sake of keeping the peace. It was awful. I made it very very clear that I didnt want it and I was only doing it so he would stop bothering me. I can remember crying and just wanting it to be over but he still persisted. This was not a one off either. I have no idea what he was thinking but I cant forgive him for it. I rationlised it away as you do.

we have discussed it since and I know he's ashamed of it and wishes it never happened. I think it has a lot to do with why the love died. feck, this is a bit of a stealth reveal - unintentional I assure you.

The thing is it's not as if I think about it all the time. It rarely crosses my mind but when it does I still feel desperately upset and sad for me.

We have two kids, the second was conceived in a blink of an eye, and I most definitely used the kids to avoid intimacy.

TheOriginalFAB Sat 03-Sep-11 21:18:53

He made you have sex. Leave. Be happy. Show your children people can parent without living together. Just go.

SarahStratton Sat 03-Sep-11 21:25:09

I stayed far too long for the DDs sake. I seriously regret it now. I thought I was being unselfish and putting them first. I actually think they would have been better off if I had left for good the first time I tried to.

DirtyDawg Sat 03-Sep-11 21:25:33

I did this OP, I felt exactly as you did, so i ditched my DP, I have been single now for 6 months and fell as though it was the best decision I ever made, it's hard being a single parent but it's harder sharing your life if you don't want to................lifes too fecking short to be miserable smile

LonelyQuandry Sat 03-Sep-11 21:35:39

Thanks everyone. I just feel fed up with the whole thing.

Will post more tomorrow.

sazm Sat 03-Sep-11 21:38:53

i also felt the exact same way you do - we only separated last week,i feel like a weight has been lifted,kids have been upset - only to be expected,i dont know whether the feelings will come back when we have been apart for a while or whether they never will,but atm im so much happier smile we were together 13yrs btw .

cecilyparsley Sun 04-Sep-11 01:04:43

I also had similar feelings to the OP, that was 6 months ago, we now live separately, it's bliss.
However I had to do quite alot of 'manourvering' to engineer a trauma free sort-of break up.

If he's content and you're very discontent then I'm inclined to think that all the benefits are going in one direction..?
(best of luck with everything)

LittleHousebytheRiver Sun 04-Sep-11 08:19:23

YEP another one here. I stayed too long and became mildly abusive to H. Eventually I woke up to what was happening and moved out a year ago. I am happier, he is happier, DC are all doing well although of course we are all sad our family broke up. None of us wanted that.

I can relate to the sex thing too. I have blocked off a lot of this, but I remember once being admitted to hospital with a kidney infection and while we waited for the ambulance H HAD to have sex to show me (!) how much he loved me... I think behaviour like that is a slow burn relationship destroyer. You put up with it at the time but it is corrosive and kills your affection.

NO hurry OP. Take your time to think it through and make a plan. You might be able to retrieve the situation still if you get counselling together and get your anger and resentment out there.

solidgoldbrass Sun 04-Sep-11 08:27:00

Fucking hell, no wonder you are sick of him: a lazy, smelly, selfish rapist! This isn't a matter of being bored with 'normal life' this is a case of you not wanting to share your life and waste your time on someone who sees you as a cross between a domestic appliance and a pet -that he can also have sex on.

cecilyparsley Sun 04-Sep-11 11:56:55

'a pet -that he can also have sex on'
oh crikey...that is so dangerously true and close to home!!

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