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Im probably living in fairy land but..........

(30 Posts)
babeinthewood Sat 03-Sep-11 13:30:37

I read alot, and often one reads (and sees in films etc) about these amazing relationships, not perfect ones, they argue etc and have all the normal tribulations we all have, sometimes worse, but fundementally their relationship is solid as a rock, they're passionate, and just happy to be with their DP.

Does this kind of earth shattering relationship exist? Have I settled for something less than 'the one'?

Would love to hear other peoples opinions, I feel really depressed about the whole thing, cant say DH is too chuffed with the mood Im in!

SheCutOffTheirTails Sat 03-Sep-11 13:32:27

Doesn't sound earth shattering to me. Most of the marriages I see seem to be like this.

solidgoldbrass Sat 03-Sep-11 13:34:00

Earth shattering passion is all very well but someone still has to remember to buy loo roll and put the bins out when necessary. As to whether you 'settled' for your H, how did you feel when you married him? Were you passionately in love with him at the beginning, or was it a case of 'Oh dear, I can't possibly be a single woman at my age, he'll do'?
More to the point, is he being a knob at the moment? Are you yourself under unusual stress, has something changed lately that is making you reassess your life?

TheOriginalFAB Sat 03-Sep-11 13:37:21

DH and I have had our ups and downs but we are still in love an dvery happy to be together. He is my most favourite person in the world.

babeinthewood Sat 03-Sep-11 13:38:31

dont get me wrong I know my husband loves me, and hes a great husband in terms of the kids etc and he does alot to make sure hes ticking the boxes on the list that I have made abundantly clear, in that sense Im very lucky, so lucky my mother baulks at me if I dare say anything bad against him. but he doesnt adore me, I dont think hes particularly physically attracted to me anymore, and he doesnt talk about us at all, unless I bring it up and he feels its going to end in an argument if he doesnt respond. I almost feel like we're a couple of co-workers who are bringing up children, who occasionally have sex sad

babeinthewood Sat 03-Sep-11 13:42:07

Solid, Im 26! I dont know when I married him, I remember thinking that morning shouldnt I be more nervous or emotional, but I wasnt, and I cant say it was the most magical day of my life either, yes it was lovely, but my best day has to be when DS2 was born.

Cant think of anything thats changed recently, we've had a hard few years, and the last few months have been particularly hard for he and I, argh even while Im typing hes busily sorting stuff out for the tip which is great but he just doesnt get it I need him more that the crap cleared out of the house!!!!

ike1 Sat 03-Sep-11 13:53:07

send him round my loft needs clearing!

babeinthewood Sat 03-Sep-11 14:03:11

lol! thats exactly what my mum says......dont really want a lap dog though, Id rather he would just sit down and talk to me rather than run around doing 'jobs' to try and cheer me up. Hes in a piss with me now because I cant really explain whats wrong, particularly with the kids around. He will buzz around all day now, so that I dont feel I can discuss/moan about things because hes happily been the perfect weekend house it is then sad

HairyGrotter Sat 03-Sep-11 14:55:57

I think the problem lies with you and your expectations if I'm honest. Seems he's busting his balls doing stuff to fit your 'list' whilst your off in an imaginative world and wanting more than what really is rather an alright relationship that needs a little more communication.

Step out of your head and communicate with him.

babeinthewood Sat 03-Sep-11 15:49:18

Im trying Hairy, he just gets upset if Im not 100% happy all the time. He loves me but Ive come to the conclusion we're not 'in love' he's quite happy to let life get in the way of us, and I can see that I do it too now. Like just now, I was trying to talk to him about it, he was pacing the room, and I know feeling very uncomfortable, someone knocked at the door and he practically ran out of the room to go and answer it (just a delivery, that they normally leave in the porch if I dont answer) now he's staying well away from me 'busying' himself. What do I do with that?!!

We were talking about Sex in particular, which I guess is par for the course, men just want to do it, not talk about it!

TheOriginalFAB Sat 03-Sep-11 18:12:26

Talk to him?

discrete Sat 03-Sep-11 18:20:47

I would say dh and I have a relationship like the one you describe. However, at various points in the last few years (small children land) I have felt like we were mostly co-workers.

It's because the dc can take all of our emotional and physical energy, so that there is little left over from each other.

Fortunately the dc are growing, and it's all coming back - we were together 15 years before the dc so we knew that this was just a phase.

Dh did do the whole 'busying himself doing everything rather than just being there' thing. He just felt he could do so little to help with the dc sometimes (I bf both into toddlerhood, and often mummy is the only one who will do!) that he tried to get out of my way so he wouldn't be another demand and tried to make himself useful in whatever way he could.

BertieBotts Sat 03-Sep-11 18:39:40

I agree it sounds like you need to talk. It sounds like he's trying to make an effort, which is no bad thing, at least it shows he cares. If he's disappearing when you want to talk to him or trying to talk when it's a bad time, I think you need to set out a time when it is a good time - no DCs etc - and if he won't sit down or tries to do something else at the same time say "Please DH, this is really important to me and I need to feel you are listening."

I think it's unreasonable of him to expect you to be happy 24/7 - he isn't responsible for your happiness, it is dependent on so many different things, and the best thing he can do to help you feel happy most of the time is to be there and listening to how you really feel, even if you are sad or angry, even if he can't help. And you know, you're allowed to have a moan even if he has been great all week. If you need to bring something up which happened ages ago or is ongoing and is simmering, then you need to bring it up. Him doing loads around the house doesn't make that any less valid, and it doesn't make you ungrateful if you say that, yeah, it's great, but what you really need right now is something else.

Also, just as a final reading between the lines thing - sex differences, especially if you haven't always had them (sex was great and you were on the same page in the beginning) are very very often symptoms of other problems rather than a problem in themselves.

BertieBotts Sat 03-Sep-11 18:43:53

First half of second paragraph wasn't quite what I meant to say. Add this in:

I think it's unreasonable of him to expect you to be happy 24/7. It just isn't realistic - everyone gets sad or angry or frustrated or worried at times, sometimes for no good reason, and it's actually quite unhealthy and dismissive of him to think that you shouldn't have these feelings. Is it because he somehow thinks that your happiness is his responsibility?

BloodStainedHeart Sat 03-Sep-11 19:23:33

A lot of people with DCs feel this surely. Me and dh have been together for 11 years and married for the last 5. I am 27 and already feel about 50 sometimes but I am sure it's normal. I don't expect me and DH to be passionately in love or even attracted to eachother every minute of the day. I think he's a nice enough looking bloke but I don't want to rip his clothes off at every oportunity. I felt much as you describe you felt on your wedding day. Wasn't particularly magical but then we wanted it to be simple and more about starting a marriage than actually having a wedding so not sure if that's why we were both so calm, it was a small, down to earth sort of ceremony.

We have a 4 yr old ds and I am currently pg with DC2. I must admit when ds was about 18 months old we did feel like we were simply baby sitters who lived with eachother and adored our child but separately.

We weren't connected to eachother and everyday we were so emotionally exhauseted we just had nothing left for eachother at all. We questioned whether we should split. no arguments or nastiness we just weren't feeling like a couple anymore.

We decided to work hard and weather the storm and I am so glad we did. I am not just settling for him, he's a wonderful husband, caring, gentle, brilliant dad, just doesn't really do the romance thing but then I don't really make the effort either. I really think that a good relationship doesn't have to be all romance, passion and making an effort to keep a spark. It's just making it work and loving and respecting eachother. DH is my very best friend and I wouldn't ever want to be without him.

I fully expect to feel down all over again when DC2 is born but I am sure it's just a phase. We love eachother very much but we both accept that at different stages our attention and priorities can not be upon eachother. We have other commitments and two little people to exhaust us. I wouldn't give up just yet if you do still love him.

BloodStainedHeart Sat 03-Sep-11 19:24:20

wow that was longer than I thought blush ! Sorry .

tellmethefuture Sat 03-Sep-11 19:56:58

babeinthewood I really think lots of people have the type of relationship you have, the thing is to ask yourself if you can be happy with it longterm. I know for me, myself and dh are just co-parenting, albeit in a pleasurable way, and I'm not necessarily looking for anything else. If anything happened to dh, I would stay on my own, or at least I wouldn't get into a situation where I was living with someone else because I honestly now believe I'm the type of person who does better not living with someone. But the other side of it is we get on well and definitely can talk to each other.

From your posts, it sounds like there's some general incompatibility there, like you don't seem to have lots to talk about together. If you're not happy, you need to make it clear to him but you have to know too, that going it alone won't necessarily guarantee happiness for you either.
You could try and get away for a night and discuss it properly?

piellabakewell Sat 03-Sep-11 21:44:56

I used to think those type of relationships were fairy tale stuff too, they were certainly not the reality of the relationships I saw amongst my friends and family. Now and again I'd read something on MN and it was clear that, for some people, it was possible to find something that was on another level altogether. I think you need to find the right person at the right time, and I haven't got either of those right in my previous relationships (spectacularly wrong, tbh).

Now, though, I have met the love of my life - it just took me 42 years to find him.

RandomMess Sat 03-Sep-11 22:07:48

I have had a difficult year with my dh, he too does the super housedad thing when all I want is for him to talk to me on a real emotional level.

We have got there in the end but it's been heartbreaking and difficult. Long way to go but it's better than it's been in a long time.

babeinthewood Sat 03-Sep-11 22:09:45

aww thanks guys some really good advice there. Bloodstained, we have two boys of our own, plus My DSD lives with us after her mum lost the plot and died. after that I made him have the snip (he also has two grown up sons).

tell me the future - I would agree we do have some general incompatibility, that never seemed to be there before, I have a couple of 'friends' who cluck and say well thats what happens with such an age gap (23 years between us) Im stuck at home with the kids all day, and although Im very involved with the community (run the PTA and am a governor somewhere else) so Im busy, he's not bothered about it all. It all just gives me a good reason not be sat at home feeling lonely and gives me something else to think about. He works at the same place I used to work (office party!) and he'll waffle on about my old friends but then talks ALOT about little bits and pieces that I struggle to stay interested in, particularly when I feel we have far more important things to say and talk to each other about.

Its funny, sex has never been a big thing for me, but recently its become a big issue, dont know why it is, but I seem to spend more time thinking about it (or the lack of it) than ever before, and I dont think its helping sad

babeinthewood Sat 03-Sep-11 22:10:39

Random Mess - got it in one, thats precisely how I feel sad

RandomMess Sat 03-Sep-11 22:26:36

Well I had several hissyfits over the time about it, sex pretty much stopped (it had become sex there was no emotional connection for me anymore), I emailed him (he ignored) and then I basically bullied him into talking about it a couple of weeks later.

I am a hardnosed cow tbh and I had got to the point that if we were just going to co-parent together for the next x years then I wanted to know it. I missed what we had dreadfully, his lack of emotional support nearly sent me back to the edge of needing mental health support etc.

My dh expended a lot of energy avoiding the issue but I wouldn't take no for an answer confused

haveigotnewsforyou Sat 03-Sep-11 22:28:21

OP, am I reading that right, you're 27 and he's 50? That's a huge gap.

You're married with two children and still fairly young. I didn't meet my husband until I was 35 and had kissed quite a few frogs in my time. My husband is kind. caring, loves me for who I am, is supportive, we never argue, etc. It's the best relationship I've ever had and when we got married it was magical - truly the best day of my life. BUT, there are things I still yearn for - wish we were more sociable as a couple, wish we had more sex, wish we had children (am 40 now and it isn't happening for us), etc.

I don't think you'd be human if you didn't wish for things other than what you've got. It's normal. As you get older, you just get more content. My husband is never going to set the world alight but we have a lovely life for which I am truly grateful for.

Perhaps you should focus on what you have rather than what you wish you had. Your husband is obviously making the effort. There are so many people on here moaning about the lazy ar5e, cheating, sneaky, affair conducting husbands! I wouldn't wish a crap relationship on anyone but when you've had a really crap relationship it makes you appreciate what you have even more.

babeinthewood Sat 03-Sep-11 22:51:30

Have I got news - nearly right Im 26 hes 49, another year and spot on wink yes it is a huge gap, but its never bothered us before, I just think sometimes that contributes to the issues now.

believe me I had a couple of ar5e holes before I met DH another thing that I think sometimes is on of the reasons I married him was because he didnt want to give me abuse or happily let me trot off to work while he plays playstation, as you say Im very young still (even if I dont feel it).

I feel incredibly guilty and ungrateful moaning about it, but I really cant help how I feel Im so lonely, I didnt get married to be lonely for the rest of my life. I know he's making the effort, but whats the point if it doesnt change how I feel? its like eating a roast dinner right after youve just finished one, you end up over stuffed and then feel sick, does that make sense?

more sex as our sex life is currently no thanks, definately rather have a cuppa and a biscuit, but better sex yes please! It just doesnt seem to mean anything, but I think I put that down to just men generally, as previous blokes have been like that.

My late FIL said to me just before we got married "you do love each other, but you're not 'in love' " at the time I was really offended and ignored him, but now I understand what he meant

solidgoldbrass Sun 04-Sep-11 02:19:00

Oh bloody hell, looking at that age gap I am not surprised you are feeling a bit miserable and frustrated. Even if he's a basically nice man (as opposed to an old letch who wanted a fit young woman to shag a few years ago and now wants a young able-bodied woman to tend him in his incontinent old age), he is at the point in his life where he wants to be slowing down, settling, not doing so much...
It is OK to decide you don't want to be in a relationship any more, and to do your best to end it as fairly and kindly as possible. But I really don't see this one improving.

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