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DP kicked me!

(52 Posts)
NameChangeTaken Sat 03-Sep-11 13:20:47

Just posted the same thing a minute ago but with the subject title "testingmynamechange" so I figured no one would open it as it looks like someone just testing their name change!

Thursday me and DP were walking along the promenade in our town and went to get chips. DP ended up getting a really expensive and small portion of chips which he was quite grumpy about. I tried teasing him about to lighten the mood and he kicked me (not hard) in the ankle! I was gobsmacked and gave him a look to say "are you joking?" he replied that he wasn't and then later that he wasn't going to apologize and i could break up with him if i wanted.
We walked along pretty much in silence for a bit and then sat on the beach where he said "Oh god, I'm so sorry I just meant to give you a gentle nudge and I accidentally kicked too hard - so said all that stuff afterwards to punish my self (This is something DP tends to do, say stuff he doesn't really mean in order to make ppl annoyed at him and punish himself.)

Okay, so I believed him and we made up and I just said "next time you accidentally nudge someone just say oops I did that too hard - sorry! Instead of going all weird about it."

Cut forward to today, we were chatting on the phone on his commute to work (we don't live together) and I said something like "promise me you didn't mean to kick me on Thurs." He said "no, I didn't of course not I just meant it as a joke and I kicked too hard!" So we talked about it for a bit then he hung up as he was getting on the tube.

5 mins later, he rings up and says "actually sorry X, I think I did mean it on Thurs- you can break up with me if you like. I have to go into work now but I'll call you later." I said I loved him and didn't want to break up with him. Then we said bye as he was starting work.

Right so what should I do? Break up with him immediately or forgive this as an out of character really twatty thing to do and tell him never to do anything like that again.

ChippingIn Sat 03-Sep-11 13:24:12

You really need me/someone to tell you?

ChippingIn Sat 03-Sep-11 13:24:54

Get out now while you are still living your own life.

AKissIsNotAContract Sat 03-Sep-11 13:28:26

He seems to be pushing you to break up with him by acting like an arsehole. Sound like he wants to end things with you but wants you end it rather than him having to.

blackcurrants Sat 03-Sep-11 13:31:22

why the fuck are you with this fucked up fuck?

Break the fuck up with the fucker.

DecapitatedLegoman Sat 03-Sep-11 13:33:22

This is totally bizarre. I wouldn't really be lingering for an explanation because whatever it is, it's more than an accidental kick. Either he actually meant it or he's playing some weird games now. Run for the hills.

TheMagnificentBathykolpian Sat 03-Sep-11 13:34:25

You do realise that the whole 'I say nasty things to you to punish myself' is most likely a crock of shit, don't you.

I put my money on it being him saying nasty things to be nasty, and then afterwards claiming that he said vile things to other people to punish himself - in order to get the sympathy vote. Oh you poor thing, saying nasty things to me in order to punish yourself.

When I am being vile, how about I smack you in the gob and then tell you that I did it to hurt myself.

Do me a favour!

TheOriginalFAB Sat 03-Sep-11 13:34:31

He is playing mind games with you, whether he knows it or not. You come across as desperate and insecure and he will play on that if he is a wrong 'un.

buzzsorekillington Sat 03-Sep-11 13:35:10

Adding my messages from the other thread:

Let me get this straight:
- he kicks you during his moody,
- doesn't apologise
- says he acts even stroppier when called out on bad behaviour to punish himself
(How does that work, ehhmm? he wants to make people even more upset? Isn't that punishing them as much/more than himself?)
- he plays mind games, you're trying to guess what he's thinking all the time
- he's putting the onus on you to either put up with his shit or break up, so if you stick it out, he can say "you knew what I was like" and dismiss you.

It's not out of character btw, because you say: "(This is something DP tends to do, say stuff he doesn't really mean in order to make ppl annoyed at him and punish himself.)"

I wouldn't be sure it's not stuff he doesn't mean, it's really bad behaviour of his that he doesn't like being called on and pretends he doesn't mean afterwards.

Plus, isn’t it great that he can basically threaten to behave worse and worse if challenged on anything? So if you were to stay & ever argued with him, you know he’d be prepared to hurt you and be nastier and nastier, and it’ll all be because he’s punishing himself! Fuck your bruises, what about his ‘pain’?

Dump that asshole.

NameChangeTaken Sat 03-Sep-11 13:35:56

Blackcurrants you actually made me LOL!

Thanks everyone, I know you are right really.
I think I just wanted to write it down/get over the shock really.
I mean 3 years of a generally good relationship and then someone kicks you - over CHIPs. I just feel a bit numb really.

solidgoldbrass Sat 03-Sep-11 13:37:25

This man is seeing how much violence you will accept from him, because he is planning to escalate it. For some reason, he likes the idea of hurting you, it makes him feel powerful and strong, so he is setting up a structure whereby he can hurt you whenever he feels like it and then say 'But you haven't dumped me, and I've said I'm sorry, so what's all the fuss about?'
You don't live with him and (hopefully) have no DC with him, so just send him a text and say 'OK, I am breaking up with you, don't contact me again and by the way get some therapy for your issues.'

TheMagnificentBathykolpian Sat 03-Sep-11 13:38:19

People start small, to see what you'll put up with.

I bet this isn't the first thing. I bet if you think back there will be other things. Little things.

And when you take those, they take it up a notch.

I mean, if he'd kicked you the day he met you, would you have seen him again?

TheMagnificentBathykolpian Sat 03-Sep-11 13:38:43

X-post with solid, who said it so much better than me.

ConstanceNoring Sat 03-Sep-11 13:49:38

If it had just been a little jokey kick as a response to you teasing him, and he mistakenly over did it and and said "oh that turned out harder than I intended, shit sorry" then I think I would accept it and not think anymore of it..

but all the other shit is fucked up, sorry.

the "punishing" himself excuse is just weird

you having to instruct him how he should act next time he 'accidentally' nudges someone - wtf?

you asking him days later to promise that he didn't mean it - this was fairly odd behaviour on your part IMO

him telling you he did mean to kick you hard after all

he sounds like a very screwed up 13 year old.


NameChangeTaken Sat 03-Sep-11 14:04:42

You are right ConstanceNoring, it is all a bit fucked sad

I think I just wanted to be reassured that it was just a jokey thing gone wrong, as opposed to it being a being a confirmation/having to admit to myself that someone I thought was lovely -clearly isn't.

MmmmmCake Sat 03-Sep-11 14:23:34

he sounds a nutter

ConstanceNoring Sat 03-Sep-11 14:28:32

People can be very good at pretending - and sometimes the pretence becomes to much for them sooner than others.

Sorry namechange, perhaps you were pushing for an answer from him because you knew really that he and his behaviour wasn't right.

You haven't lost anything here (apart from time spent on a relationship, granted) - he wasn't what you thought he was.

ImperialBlether Sat 03-Sep-11 14:34:48

He's giving you two choices:

Finish with him - you'll feel bad about it
Stay with him and put up with escalating violence - you'll feel even worse.

There is a third option, though:

Finish with him and feel fantastic and free.

I know what I'd do.

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow Sat 03-Sep-11 14:40:17

Ech, who cares why he does fucked up things and uses fucked up excuses, and then tries to fuck with your head some more with dares to dump him.


Use the precious energy and mental resources you are now wasting on his headgames to do fantastic and healthy stuff for your own self.

Inertia Sat 03-Sep-11 14:52:34

If it was a jokey thing gone wrong he would have been apologetic and embarrassed as soon as he'd done it. He's not joking, he's testing you to see how much control he has over you.

MmmmmCake Sat 03-Sep-11 14:53:51

i take it back, you both sound like nutters

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow Sat 03-Sep-11 15:04:01

I think I just wanted to be reassured that it was just a jokey thing gone wrong, as opposed to it being a being a confirmation/having to admit to myself that someone I thought was lovely -clearly isn't.

It's not a jokey thing gone wrong: he was not immediately apologetic, and there's a lot of other headfuckery going on besides.

It's hard to admit that someone isn't what you thought they were, isn't it? You built up that state of denial for a reason - wanting to believe in this person for the sake of maintaining a relationship - and now all that has to be put into question: his qualities, your beliefs, your plans. It's hard. Emotionally it will be very destabilising. But you can do it. Just hold on to the thought that you deserve to be treated with respect, and that it's not your job to try to fix or even understand someone who isn't willing or able to treat you with respect.

blackcurrants Sat 03-Sep-11 18:51:26

you're welcome for the guffaw, OP - now run for the fucking hills, and come back on here to tell us that you Dumped That Fucker Already.

Good luck.

PhilipJFry Sat 03-Sep-11 18:56:31

I agree 100% with those saying he is "testing" to see how you react and what you'll put up with. I know it seems impossible that someone could do this after years together but it DOES HAPPEN. Be kind to yourself- you must be in shock.

BloodStainedHeart Sat 03-Sep-11 19:08:18

Seriously get the fuck out of that relationship. The 'punishing himself' bullshit is an excuse to be horrible to you and then you feel guilty when you react. It's mind games, all of it. He's testing you for sure. Get the hell out and don't look back. As others had said if it was an accident or a joke he'd have apologised immediately. I accidentally punched my dh in the face and split his lip whilst we were laughing and messing about (seriously completely by accident) and I was mortified. Apologised imediately and it was over and done with. We laugh about it now but at the time I felt horrendous cos I had no intention what so ever of hurting him. I think your partner would have simply said 'oh shit I'm so sorry, I didn't mean that' if it wasn't head fuckery which it clearly is. DUMP THE LOSER NOW!

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