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Is it really bad to finish a LT relationship via email?

(25 Posts)
TrainingJedi Sat 03-Sep-11 12:07:33

My relationship is just not working out. The whole thing is a farce. We dont like together and everything we do is separate including holidays, christmas, days out etc. We basically see each other once a fortnight. That's it. There are tons of problems including his inability to handle money, his wierd obsession with being in competition with me (for instance I bought a new rug for my living room so he went out and bought a new rug for his living room. I booked a holiday so he immediately went out and booked a holiday that he couldn't really afford at the expense of paying off his credit card after already been bankrupt once).

But it's just not a happy relationship anyway. He ignores me when I speak to him (like a few days ago he'd come with me for a hospital appointment, when we came out I was telling him what the nurse said:

"So she said the problem isn't with my stomach, which leaves my ovaries unfortunately"
him - "oo coffee slice!"
"umm coconut bars"

We were passing a starbucks counter - how silly of me to think I would be heard under these circumstances hmm

He lies which is also another major issue but the main thing is - he doesn't want the kids involved in our relationship at all so we can't "Progress" until the youngest leaves home. The youngest is 10!! So he thinks we can continue this ridiculous situation for another 10+ years?

Its just stupid, it isn't a relationship really at all and sooner or later one of us is going to find someone we CAN have a real relationship with and I don't think either of us would think twice of going for it. So why carry this on?

However everytime I tell him I'm not happy he panics and acts all mortified and insists that things ARE working hmm Therefore I'm wondering if I should just send him an email, explaining more or less what I've said here.

Or is that really bad of me?

PrimaBallerina Sat 03-Sep-11 12:23:03

Sending a letter/email is a good way of making sure you're heard but give him the respect of one last face to face if requested too.

Your relationship sounds very mediocre and you are obviously 'over' it. You want to move on and find something better so go for it. It's hard to break free of a long term habit but stand your ground and don't let him talk you round. I think the grass will be greener in your case, he sounds quite irritating.

MangoMonster Sat 03-Sep-11 13:42:30

Agree with prima

TheOriginalFAB Sat 03-Sep-11 13:44:34

It is irrelevant how he acts when you tell him it is over, but you are allowing him to talk you round. Why?

buzzsorekillington Sat 03-Sep-11 13:48:52

Oh I think I remember reading some of your threads. I'm glad you're ready to ditch him.

I think emailing him is a good way to go, and you need to stiffen your resolve, so that if he comes back with "but it is working!" - you can reply "it might be for you, but it isn't for me, so we're over." You can't stay in a relationship just because he thinks it's alright.

You don't owe him a relationship.

TrainingJedi Sat 03-Sep-11 13:53:09

I feel guilty to be honest. The truth is I think he has some kind of personality disorder or at the very least emotional problems. He's like a robot. He doesn't seem to care about anyone or think about anyone but himself. He was once talking about his daughter and said he wouldn't get the snip incase anything ever happened to her, he'd need to be able to replace her. Maybe just a poor choice of words but it's not the first time he's said stuff like that. Like when his ex wife said she was going to fight him for residence of the DD. His reaction was:

"Oh my god, this is terrible!"
me - "I know - "
"I mean, I'm going to lose my child tax credits, child benefit, some of my housing benefit AND I'll have to pay maintanance! I may as well give up my job".

wtf??? his concern was purely about the money.

Like one time me and him did split up his reaction was "well I suppose it will give me more time to play on Settlers (pc game)".

It's like he has no emotion or anything. Yet when I try and end it with him he panics but tbh I'm left wondering if that is motived by something else as well. Sex maybe.

overmydeadbody Sat 03-Sep-11 13:58:20

What?! Stop thinking about him, think about yourself. Tell him face to face that it's over. Then be strong and stick to it. Tell him in a mutual place like a coffee shop, get up and go home, and then send an email confirming it and that you don't want to see him again.

buzzsorekillington Sat 03-Sep-11 13:58:23

Don't waste your time trying to figure him out. He doesn't seem capable of the kind of relationship you want.

Pan Sat 03-Sep-11 14:03:37

TJ - he isn't your responsibility, nor how he feels after you end it. Besides, if he is as emotionally unaware as you indicate, he will get over the disappointment pretty quickly and move onto someone else. Email is a bit hmm, but do it face-to-face, get a script prepared and this time stick to it.

ameliagrey Sat 03-Sep-11 14:23:09

If youare sure that youwant to end it- and I am not sure you do!- then what choice does he have?

You are not his mother or his shrink. This relationship is giving you nothing.

If he can turn round your emotions with a feeble "Oh it's working!" then how much do you want out?

As others have said, you are doing neither of you a ny favours by carrying on this habit which is all it is.

IMO a letter is cowardly- and the only reason you want to do that is because in the past he has talked you round.

I think most people owe it to partners to end things face to face if it's a LTR.

Soften the blow by warning him in advance of the next date that there is something you need to talk about.

Then just do it- daytime ideally- and walk away.

ImperialBlether Sat 03-Sep-11 14:37:46

OP, you've been told on thread after thread to dump this idiot! You don't like him and none of us blame you.

Just dump him. Write to him if it makes you feel better. Set it all out. Then don't ever contact him again.


limetrees Sat 03-Sep-11 14:51:42

I think under these circs, finishing by email is OK.

I would make the email decisive though and make it clear that it's not for discussion. Then be strong and cut all contact.

He sounds like a waste of space and his ex wife has already had to divorce him, probabaly for similar reasons.

LoveBeingIgnoredByMardyBra Sat 03-Sep-11 14:54:47

Please press send

respite Sat 03-Sep-11 14:58:30

Email sounds like the perfect way to end this particular relationship

ImperialBlether Sat 03-Sep-11 15:00:49

Actually, a brick through the window would be the ideal way of ending this relationship, but given we don't want you to be banged up, an email would be best.

TrainingJedi Sat 03-Sep-11 15:02:08

Imperial grin

ImperialBlether Sat 03-Sep-11 15:22:32

Have you ever done any visualisation, OP? Lie back and close your eyes and think what it'll be like with someone else. Someone who isn't spending all his money on takeaways and crap, someone who could go on holiday with you, someone who wouldn't dream of dragging his daughter out of school to go on a holiday he can't afford and that he only bought because you were going on holiday. Think how lovely that would be. Then send the email and shout Next!

TrainingJedi Sat 03-Sep-11 15:36:01

Actually Imperial, as sad as it sounds I do often day dream of being in a real relationship. Being able to go around anytime because he has no hangups about the kids being around, talking on the phone because he doesn't insist on internet chat only - being able to book a holiday together and laugh at the tacky photos over a glass of wine when we get back - I do dream of it often sad

ameliagrey Sat 03-Sep-11 15:40:17

This doesn't sound like a relationship- it sounds like a prison sentence.

Use your Get Out of Jail card now!!!!

Come back in an hour and tell us you have either

-emailed him, and blocked his emails/phone nos.


- contacted him to say you need to talk- properly- and can he meet for a coffee.

Just do it.

You are in a ridiculous situation.

wileycoyote Sat 03-Sep-11 23:21:31


ImperialBlether Sat 03-Sep-11 23:27:46

Just do it, OP, and come back and tell us all about it.

We'll then help you make your dream come true.

<double gavel>

LeBOF Sat 03-Sep-11 23:30:23

I don't recall your other threads, but I might have seen them. But going by this one, yes, email him, and do a courtesy face to face if need be. You have left already, to all intents and purposes.

TheMagnificentBathykolpian Sun 04-Sep-11 11:46:56

"This isn't working for me. I don't want to see you any more"


"For all the reasons we have already discussed. I don't want to continue this relationship."

<attempt to talk you round>

"I don't need your permission to end this. It is not working for me. I don't want to see you any more."

You just have to be firm and adopt the broken record thing.

Women, god knows why, so often think that they need the agreement or bloody approval of the man to end the relationship, or must justify it, or have him see that they are right. YOU DON'T! "I don't want to be in a relationship with you any more" is fine. You are allowed. How he feels about it is not your problem.

If you are who I think you are, I am very happy indeed that you are finally getting rid of this man. Please do it. And please don't fall into the trap of thinking that you need him to allow you to break up with him.

RandomMess Sun 04-Sep-11 11:49:42

You sound like F buddies.

Send the email, get out there and find someone who wants a relationship.

lazarusb Sun 04-Sep-11 17:31:44

The next post you make OP I want it to be how you have ended it grin You feel so much better, moving on with your life. It really is too short. You've ended it emotionally already, just do it in practice now.

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