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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

So my DP has just been arrested....

138 replies

foreveryours · 03/09/2011 03:53

For assaulting me..... What do I do now?

OP posts:

Report

Sausagesarenottheonlyfruit · 03/09/2011 04:07

So sorry this has happened. Have you got anyone you can call to be with you, at least talk on the phone while you settle yourself emotionally?
If not, stick around here as there's always someone up.
Cup of ?

SayCoolNowSayWhip · 03/09/2011 04:10

Hope you're ok. YY to a friend or relative you can call? Didn't want your post to go unanswered. You poor thing, must have been very scary and you're very brave to take the necessary steps to get him arrested. Un-MN

spiderslegs · 03/09/2011 04:22

Hold on in there, some wise MNters will be along soon.

What Sausages said really, call friends or family, do you have someone who won't mind being called at this time?

You've done the right thing. Hold your nerve, drink tea, smoke fags (if you do, I would).

Drink more tea.

Know again you've done the right thing.

Are your DCs there (if you have any)?

BlingLoving · 03/09/2011 04:38

Definitely call someone to be with you.

Hang in there. I don't have any advice but as it's late/early just wanted you to know there's support.

Are you physically ok?

GalaxyAddict · 03/09/2011 05:06

I hope you are okay? Stay strong!

It is difficult to offer you any advice without knowing a bit more about your situation. I was with an abusive partner, but left him, so I may be able to answer some questions for you.

mathanxiety · 03/09/2011 07:15

You posted coming up to 4 am. Are you ok? Have you managed to sleep or rest? Do you need to go to a doctor?

ThePosieParker · 03/09/2011 07:27

Are you okay?

ledkr · 03/09/2011 09:21

Hi forever yours. Lots of us have been there love,i hope you are sleeping now,let us know when you wake up.
The only way is up from here.

margerykemp · 03/09/2011 09:37

Been there. At the time I was so worried about exdp being in a cell. I was so desperate to 'rescue' him.

In retrospect, I cant believe how little concern I had for myself. Please dont make the same mistake as me. Take some time out to look after you. If he's been arrested it is because he has done something wrong, which he has to take responsibility for. He is not some victim of injustice. Please dont make excuses for him. Contact womens aid for support.

loopylou6 · 03/09/2011 12:05

Hope you're ok op.

craftyknickers · 03/09/2011 12:22

Ive been there twice, i spent both time so worried about him in a cell that i didnt allow myself to accept the fact he had hurt me. I put the reason he was there to the back of my mind but if i hadnt have done that id have left him.

I hope your ok, call the police station, they have a DV section where you can talk to a woman and she will give you info. Womens aid is also very good.

Just keep in mind that he has hurt you, he was arrested for a reason. Regardless of what he says it is not your fault!!

Stay strong, get lots of people around you and post on here.

Good luck chick!!!

HerHissyness · 03/09/2011 13:01

So when you are rested love, come tell us what happened if you can?

Accept all help the Police offer you sweety, call WA for immediate helpline advice too, and let us know what you need from us?

PonceyMcPonce · 03/09/2011 13:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChippingIn · 03/09/2011 13:29

foreveryours are you OK? Please listen to what the others have said.

neuroticmumof3 · 03/09/2011 19:17

hope you're ok OP

thisishowifeel · 03/09/2011 21:33

Hugs to you foreveryours.

Been there too. It's so confusing and distressing. Be brave and strong and come back here if you can.

With love.

mathanxiety · 04/09/2011 05:15

How are you doing today?

foreveryours · 04/09/2011 09:00

Thank you all for your kind words and advice. I'll now explain what happened...

We had gone out to a festival with DP's friends and had a really good time. Festival finished at around 10.30 so we headed to the pub after. DP seemed to have gotten very drunk soon after and asked to go home around 1am, so I took him home. Everything was fine until we got home and started arguing over stupid petty things. I asked him to go sleep on the sofa or in my ds's room (he was staying at DP's sisters house the night). DP refused so I grabbed him to pull him out the room, he then pushed me up against the wall and then pushed me onto the floor. I was shocked my dp has never shown anything like this towards me before. So I called the police thinking that they would only come and talk to him and calm things down. They ended up taking him as he was very drunk, he was aggressive or shouting loudly at them he was actually very calm. They took him because he is in fact a police man himself....
He's back home now, apologised and has blamed everything on me. I told his family and he said I went for him first..so he was protecting himself. I never I just wanted him out of the room. He's asked me never to drink around him again, even though I believe I wasn't that drunk. It all seems so unfair, I had good relationships with his family members now they're all going to think I'm some horrid drunk who beats her DP up. Even though I was the one left with scratches and a carpet burn to my back. Everyone seemed more worried about DP losing his job etc yes I know he's their son/brother but what he did was wrong? Even the police officer who I spoke to the next day was on his side. I love my DP dearly with have an amazing relationship. I really do believe this was a one off and would never happen again. I know you're all going to say otherwise....

OP posts:

FabbyChic · 04/09/2011 09:24

Drink has a lot to answer for, however if you called the police you have to follow it through and if asked press charges, he will lose his job and ultimately you will lose him, but what is the alternative? Be in a relationship with someone who is capable of violence? Who feels it is acceptable to push you around?

Northernlurkerr · 04/09/2011 09:33

So you asked him to leave your bedroom and he refused and pushed you to the floor? You were frightened enough to call the police. Then when he 'apologised' he said it was your fault?

I'll tell you what this makes me think - that perhaps had he not been quite so drunk or you not been so assertive he would have tried to rape you. I think you've had a lucky escape here. Who would want to sleep with an aggressive drunk? It was reasonable for you to ask him to leave. Policeman are not exempt from being abusers.

I would say run not walk away from this relationship. This situation has red flag all over it. This is the one you get to warn you to get out. Please take notice of it before you are seriously hurt.

ChippingIn · 04/09/2011 09:37

He's back home now, apologised and has blamed everything on me

How does that work then?

Really unbelieveable.

He got away with it this time - I'd be very suprised if he doesn't do it again.

As for the drinking - perhaphs you should both give it a miss for a while. I'm not saying you did anything wrong at all, but none of us were there - so who knows what happened, but clearly he thinks you should stop drinking and I think he should stop drinking - so it's probably best if you both stop for a while.

ledkr · 04/09/2011 09:40

Im not. You were both drunk,you pushed him around and he retaliated.
I was in adv situation and so far our two situations are incomparable.
I had years of serious life threatening beatings you have had a scuffle.
Others will flame me but i dont care,we are all human and when provoked and drunk will snap as did you.I really hate the attitude that women cam treat aman how she likes and he cant retaliate.

HOWEVER. your problem is now that a,he is not admitting any responsibility,and
b, is this going to be the start of him being violent.

It does not sound as if the police will persue charges of assault maybe just of drunk and disorderly or similar.
I am married to a policeman and they dont always lose their jobs if charged with something but it is possible.It sounds as if his colleagues will try not to let it get this far.

I feel your main issue is his attitude to what has happened,you both need to talk about why this has occurred and both take some responsibility for your own part in it.

shelscrape · 04/09/2011 09:43

So sorry for you. he is bang out of order. Blaming you is a very childish and selfish thing for him to do, infact blaming other people is just what a child would do.

If he is a police officer, then a far higher standard of behaviour is expected of him than the normal man on the street. No doubt he has dealt with domestic violence arrests himself previously, he should have had far more restraint to be truthful.

sounds to me from your post, that you were frightened of his behaviour, tried to get him to move and he assaulted you back. You are not to blame, if he was so worried by your behaviour the appropraite thing for him to do would have been to walk away. he didn't. You did the right thing to phone the police.

contact women's aid, they are fab and will give you whatever guidance and advice you need.

Cheaptrick · 04/09/2011 09:45

The fact he does not see anything wrong in his actions would send me running and not looking back.

Its simply - men should never hit or push a women no matter what. What he did was not self defence.

MadameOvary · 04/09/2011 09:46

Oh it's your fault then?
Right.
In what parallel universe did you "go for him"? And where is the rule that he had to deflect your action any other way than calmly and with restraint?
And FFS HOW is it ok to not admit he's been an abusive arse and needs to apologise?

Flip

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