PiLs banned me from their house...

[Spuddybean]

Hi all, this is a request for advise as i'm not really sure what a fair response would be and want to be prepared if/when it happens.

Brief Background: My PiL's are hard work and find it difficult to get on with/accept others. Therefore they have no friends and no one in their families talk to them. My DP is an only child. After DP and i had been together for 6 months they called and said i wasn't welcome at their house anymore for extraordinarily spurious reasons.

We had only ever visited them as they rarely leave their house as they have concocted reasons why they cannot. MiL has MH issues and PiL is a nasty bully.

DP was disappointed but unsurprised as they have a pattern of this behaviour. So we decided it wasn't going to break us up and he would just visit them without me.

Fast forward 2 years and we are now ttc. They don't know this but DP is anxious about telling them when we have a baby. He has also said they have been making noises about coming to visit our house. DP owns the house but i live with him and pay towards mortgage/bills so i think of it as my home too.

I would be very surprised if they do want to visit. But i feel that as they have made me unwelcome in their home that they shouldn't expect to be welcome in mine.

Also DP seems to actively encourage the visit without thinking it would be disrespectful to me. I am bracing myself for him saying they are coming and either me being here or being asked to leave for the weekend.

He will think if i'm not here why would i have a problem with it? And i suppose I just wonder if i would BU to say they cannot come? and tbh i doubt he would accept it if i did.

Also if i have a baby i know his mum will send gifts which i wouldn't want to accept.

[KatieScarlett2833]

Dont you dare leave your house for these mentallers.

Your DP needs to grow a pair, it is extremely disrespectful to you.

[supadupapupascupa]

i would rise above and welcome them. be the bigger person. after all, your dp is stuck with them.
surely they know you live there too so they would be expecting to see you? perhaps they realise you're not going anywhere and want to make amends?

[stripeybump]

Why on earth did they ban you from their house?

You obviously know it's about them, not you, and I bet they've banned loads of people. The fact they're willing to come to you implies some softening, perhaps? You can try to be the DiL from heaven, with tongue firmly in cheek of course.

[cupcake78]

I think its disgusting the way they have treated you and I am sure if I was in your situation I wouldn't be happy with them in my house either.

They seem to forget that the baby is half yours and half their ds's. I would want respect from them before and I would need to be assured they wouldn't corrupt/affect your baby!

If they want to see you and if they want to see their son, your dp then it has to be done on neutral ground....and your dp does need to grow a pair. His responsibilites should lie with his childs welfare not his parents petty control issues.

[ChippingIn]

I have lived through the inlaws from hell (I've also had lovely inlaws!).

This is your HOME and if your DP wants this to carry on being the case then he tells them they are not welcome in your home in the same way that you are not welcome in theirs.

BTW - you need to get the situation with the house sorted out. Either you need to legally have a share of the house or you need to stop paying into the mortgage etc on it. Right now your DP is having his cake and eating it too.

DO NOT leave your HOME for them or it will all go downhill quickly from there. If that is something you really think your DP would ask you to do - then to be honest you need to have a really big think about this relationship before you bring a baby into it.

[Spuddybean]

sups No it has been implied that i would have to leave. If they call and i answer they hang up. They don't want to make amends.

I know what you are saying about being the bigger person but i am very angry at the things they have said about me. They have also said when we get married they wont come to the wedding.

DP also seems to think that when when have a baby he will take dc's to visit them without me. I don't really like the idea that they get everything their own way when they are the ones who have behaved appallingly.

I think we should come as a package - and also how long would it be before they decided something arbitrary about dc's and banned them too? (MiL had 2 dd's from a previous marriage before she had DP and walked away from them and never saw them again because FiL told her not to)

[planetpotty]

If dp wants to see his family thats one thing but you go away for the weekend? BIG FAT NO! OMG my DH would be washing up for 1000 years if he even suggeste something like that.

May all completely change once you have a child together and they know you are a permenant fixture and are mum to thier DGC :)

[stripeybump]

Oh yy I agree with Chipping - get yourself on the mortgage quicksharp. My mate was engaged, with the guy 9 years paying half his mortgage - they split up and she had nothing. Even if you lurve him

[bigeyes]

Oooooo, do you really want to be part of this family?

[cupcake78]

Sorry thought you WERE preg...not that my thoughts change.

If it helps I have in laws that are controling but in the opposite way...too much contact and wanting control over ds and dgs! They drive me mad and my dh does take the strain when they become overwhelming which happens on a 6 weekly cycle! The relationship between us is not naturally occurring.

It needs to be stressed that you as an adult and chosen partner to their ds must be respected and included in their family. You need to be on the mortgage and your dp needs to tell his parents you come as a package.

Neutral ground to begin with, the very least they can do is verbally acknowledge you on the phone its just plain rude.

[Spuddybean]

bigeyes i don't see why i have to be. I love DP, i don't need to love odd people he's related too as well.

He see's them for 1 weekend every other month and calls them every other day. We are planning to emigrate in the next couple of years so i doubt they would travel abroad to see him.

They never visited him in the 3 years before i moved in either. Well MiL did once and FiL didn't speak to her for 3 months and made her sleep in the spare room.

[NormaStanleyFletcher]

I really think that your DP needs to "man up" at the very beginning this point

You and he are together, and they need to accept that or not set foot over your doorstep.

There is no way he would be taking (future) baby over there without me.

What were the reasons they gave for bannning you

[cupcake78]

I'm lost for words with FIL! He made her sleep in the spare room?!?!

Who the hell does he think he is? God

Maybe your best not speaking to them if thats the respect they show each other. Sorry but he sounds appauling.

Emigration sounds like a great idea

[babyhammock]

What a nasty pair..
Honestly, I think unless your DP grows a pair and stops enabling them to treat you like this, I'd seriously re-think having a child with him....

[supadupapupascupa]

the trouble with this situation is that as soon as you 'react' like banning them or being rude, you give them a 'reason' and 'justification' for their feelings towards you. If on the other hand you behave impeccably, they can never blame you for anything and it is a great feeling.
I have issues with my own mum and as soon as I react her response is always 'well you did/said this' and then i lose the argument and the moral high ground. I learned the hard way.
If you don't have much of a relationship anyway i don't see the harm in being nice.

I wouldn't leave whilst they visit, just behave perfectly.

[cupcake78]

We were going to emigrate...untill the IL's offered to come and live with us!

[Spuddybean]

He withholds affection as a form of control he does the same with DP. They are both terrified of upsetting him and although DP and MiL have spoken about the situation (she hums and haws and says she wants a resolution but will not consider actually doing anything) no one will mention my name in front of him.

He told her i had said nasty things about her. I hadn't. They also are racists and i have very different opinions to them which they take as a personal insult (altho i have never offered my opinion without them enquiring first and then only answered matter of factly). She is used to DP doing everything she says and we ordered a carpet which she didn't approve of (too expensive) so she contacted the shop and tried to change the order to something she liked with no underlay.

When we changed the order back and DP told her (nicely) they sent a long email about how disappointed they were and how DP had insulted them.

Oh yes and apparently i had 'insulted' their xmas tree

[Spuddybean]

cupcake oh god!! that made me laugh - sorry.

DP says (he also lives in a bit of a fantasy land - both him and MiL do as a coping mechanism for coping with FiL) when we move they can come and stay for months and how nice that will be. I just look back at him quizzically and say - they never leave their house and they hate me!

[ImperialBlether]

I think if they won't let you in their house (no big loss, btw) then they shouldn't be able to come to your house.

I think your husband should get a move on with his emigration papers - the sooner you move away from them the better.

Are you better off having a child in the country you move to, rather than here? Just thinking about citizenship.

[Spuddybean]

imperial Well i wanted to have dc's here first so i could be with my Mum for a bit before i left, but the ttc is taking yonks. We thought this was our month but the red menace arrived with a flourish today :(

[plupervert]

What would happen if you went with your DH to visit? Would they actually throw you out? That is nuts, you know. Living with the situation for so long, you all have allowed it seem normal enough to make it reasonable to "work around" rather than working it out.

[mrjellykeepskidsquiet]

I definately wouldn't leave for the weekend, no fucking way! TBH I couldn't be with a man like your DP and no way he would be taking my DC's without me.
I would really think about the future of your relationship in all honesty.

[mrjellykeepskidsquiet]

plupervert...good point, or the other way round would her DP chuck spuddy out if his parents turned up?

[Spuddybean]

plup yes they would not let me in the house. And i don't want to be somewhere anyway that i'm so obviously not welcome. Tbh i was finding their behaviour very difficult as it was so it wasn't a massive loss.

As i said DP could see it coming. They would probe me for my opinions on everything and then store it up so when they told dp they had a list they'd been compiling, eg i don't buy battery eggs.

You can't force people to be normal and we have just behaved the only way we could. It is all down to FiL and he wont change.

There are so many elephants in their rooms i don't know how any of them fit in.

[VivaLeBeaver]

Well you can't choose your relatives. They sound like arseholes and IMHO I think you've dodged a bullet. I'd be thankful they didn't want me visiting and I'd let your DP go on his own. You get out of having to go.

If they do come over to yours for a day I'd go on a shopping day or round to a friends. Dont see it as being pushed out your own home but see their behaviour as a good excuse for you to not have to put up with them.