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Please could I have some perspective.

(14 Posts)
Melonballs Fri 02-Sep-11 17:09:48

My back story is around but I was embarrassed when I read it back in the cold light of day so don't want to link it. After some very constructive comments from everyone I decided I needed to sort myself out. To begin with I threw away the alcohol. I found a counsellor and have had my first session. I won't reveal the comments as I don't want to influence anything. I also spoke to my O/H and explained how unhappy I was. I asked if we could try and work it out. He has told me that I have made him miserable for 8yrs (Damn I'm good) but won't explain why. He refuses to go to counselling or do anything else to try and fix this. He says if we have more sex it will make him feel more appreciated. He gave me four days to decide if I wanted him to stay or not. I had no other options. At the end of that time I said go BUT wrote him a letter explaining why I said it, why I was unhappy and that I would still try. He has refused to read it and says he is too angry. I don't know what I have done to make him so miserable and I am now doubting that I even knew him as I thought. I'm beginning to think he didn't love me at all and stayed because it was comfortable. I realise it's very vague but would welcome some thoughts on what I do now other than wait a week until he returns from his latest trip. Thanks.

ameliagrey Fri 02-Sep-11 17:17:09

well, what you have done recently is called his bluff- told him to go, as you were not prepared to accept his completely unreasonable demands of more sex.

So he is not getting what he wants and is throwing his toys out of the pram.

You have done al the right things- controlled your drinking, sought professional help, and asked him to go to counselling with you.

Maybe he only wanted to be with you when you were more unhappy and in a different place- as that made him feel in control?

Now you have started to sort yourself out he is scared. Scared you now have a life- which may not include him.

Personally, I think you have made the right choice. Is there anyway you can see a solicitor this week and ask about divorce, finances and what to do next?

AnyFucker Fri 02-Sep-11 17:37:54

so you have to have more sex with him to improve your relationship...what does he have to do ? hmm

floosiemcwoosie Fri 02-Sep-11 18:13:55

I think you should take this time to think about what you really want.

from your posts it seems that the decisions are all his, you are taking responsibility for both of your happiness

What wuld make you happy?

Melonballs Fri 02-Sep-11 19:02:09

Thank you for the responses. I think I probably confuse him as the sex is good when we do it so he doesn't understand why I won't do it more. I have tried to tell him why. What would make me happy is for him to make me feel special every time he comes back. He has said he feels ignored but he does nothing to show he wants or values me, if that makes sense. For my part he has now become an extra thing to deal with when he's back, including sex.

ameliagrey Fri 02-Sep-11 20:54:31

What have you told your counsellor? I know they don't advise at all- but has she talked about marriages that struggle on because the sex is good?

I wonder why you want to have sex with him when you are so unhappy with him?

Does he live and work away all the time?

You seem a bit uncertain over what you want- on the one hand you are talking of splitting up and how he upsets your life when he is around- but then you also say that you want more attention from him, and the sex can be good.

Is your marriage fixable or over?
which do you want?

Melonballs Sat 03-Sep-11 01:09:12

Some intersting questions, thank you. My counsellor thinks I have a strange marriage. I have sex with him because it's good and I hope that it will make him want to show how much he means to me. He doesn't which means I now don't want to do it as much, and think he doesn't really care. I want to fix my marriage but it's impossible if only one of you is willing to try. I want him to show that he appreciates me and misses me when he's away. He never does.

BobBanana Sat 03-Sep-11 01:14:47

Message withdrawn

solidgoldbrass Sat 03-Sep-11 01:20:17

Look, this isn't fixable because his idea of 'working on the marriage' is for you to stop whining and open your legs regularly. Not for him to make any effort for your benefit. He thinks he's the person and you only exist in relation to him.Don't waste any more time or effort trying to make him 'love' you. He won't.

HerHissyness Sat 03-Sep-11 01:21:14

" He says if we have more sex it will make him feel more appreciated. He gave me four days to decide if I wanted him to stay or not. I had no other options."

So he tells you that you are miserable-making for EIGHT years? hmm

He tells you that you can Fuck your way out of it, to make him happy again hmm

That YOU HAVE NO OTHER OPTION, it's Fuck me or Fuck OFF? hmm hmm

AF, got any tickets going to the FAR SIDE OF FUCK, got another customer here!

Jesus christ, I know I ought not joke about this, but no wonder you were drinking too much! (bloody well done you for stopping too!)

Sweetheart, shagging your way out of trouble is a sticking plaster remedy. This is all about meeting HIS needs, and addressing NONE of yours. Hence your need to self-medicate with booze. You are serving him in some way, but not serving yourself.

He won't show you how much he means he's in this for him only.

You are chasing a ghost. Stop running. If he wants you he'll come and find you. If he doesn't you know where you stand. he's not worth it love,
You need a man to be there for you, support you and you support him. In this together etc etc, not contemptuous little jibes about how miserable you make him.... What's HE doing for you? honestly?

He's made YOU more miserable than you apparently make him, I'll be willing to bet.

garlicnutter Sat 03-Sep-11 01:32:21

Seconding everything that's been said so far. You're doing ALL the right things - well done you! - and I suspect you're right to wonder if you ever really knew him. My guess is he presented a form that he knew you'd like, so as to hook you, then reverted to Me Important, You Don't Count, which is his default mode. People like him do fuck your head up big-time, and can do severe damage to your self-worth and identity.

You did extremely well to accept his 'fuck off' option. You're obviously still in there, fighting to get out! You're getting everything in place for a far brighter, happier future which you will determine for yourself.

Have another well done smile

lachesis Sat 03-Sep-11 01:36:53

What SGB said.

LittleHousebytheRiver Sat 03-Sep-11 07:56:53

What's with these men who think sex is something we can serve up like a favourite dinner when they want it? Even though they have behaved like miserable gits all day with a face like sour milk and criticising everything.

At the end-stage of my marriage I proposed sleeping in the spare room to give me some space away from his middle of the night emotional ranting keeping me up for hours. This was the last straw to H who said if I wouldn't have regular sex with him our marriage was over and I should move out. SO I did.

And very quickly realised how much nicer life was without him in it!

OP I reckon he may be doing you a favour by forcing the issue. If he can't compromise and negotiate then things aren't going to improve.

ameliagrey Sat 03-Sep-11 10:13:18

It's odd that your counsellor uses terms like "strange" when describing your marriage- very judgemental and not exactly helping you to make a decision is it?

You seem to be stuck in a relationship that mirrrors what some young girls go through- sleeping with boys to "keep them" and make them love them. It never works.

I've seen this on countless agony aunt pages for teens- "If he says he will leave you if you won't sleep with him, then he'll leave you anyway."

Sex is the icing on the cake of a solid relationship (unless you are going for no-strings and are upfront about that.) It's not something that can hold you together and create love if it doesn't exist in the first place.

I hope you find the dtrength to leave. This man will just erode your self worth.

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