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I think my marriage is over, can I have some advice?

(6 Posts)
L0standFedup Fri 02-Sep-11 11:58:11

This is so hard to write down so it may be a bit jumbled.

Reading another thread on here yesterday has made me realise quite how unhappy I am.

Just over two years ago we were as happy and close as we had ever been. We could talk about anything and everything and the sex was amazing blush After over ten years together and even with a new dc it was a bit out of the blue to be honest.

That period of happiness was very brief. Looking back I can see it was like he decided to withdraw back from us/me. He reverted back to not wanting to discuss anything and soon enough our sex life was gone.

I have tried to talk about how unhappy this has made me feel repeatedly. It always ends up the same way. He does'nt know what changed, he suddenly has no sex drive etc etc followed by lots of promising to go to the gp.

Two years on there has been no attempt by him to speak to the gp or even try and resolve this. I now realise it is this attitude of can't be bothered that is hurting me more than anything.

Last night I exploded at his half hearted attempt to initiate sex. (This was on top off a family day out where he was as miserable as ever and did'nt bother to speak unless spoken to. I made a comment at some point in the evening (due to something on tv) about there being no point in me offering him sexual favours as he would prefer it if I offered never to mention sex at all!) When I pointed out that his lack of interest and enthusiasm was a huge turn off he accused me of playing games i.e. turning him down for a pathetic reason only then to moan at the lack of sex etc.

I could'nt stand to be near him after that so went downstairs to sleep. This morning he does'nt bother to say a word to me. I leave him to get ready for work but asked to speak to him before he left. I am then accussed of playing games, sulking and storming off in a huff.

I asked him again why he won't talk to me about this and explain that I am so unhappy with his lack of interest in addressing the original problem and his overall attitude when i do try to talk to him. His response was to tell me he cannot talk to me because I'm acting like a child and walked out the door and got in the car.

Stupidly I got in the car and begged him to talk to me. In frustartion at his refusal I blurted out that I have had enough and want to seperate. No response so I left

Yes before he was due to go to work was probably the wrong time to try and talk about this but I am so frustrated and fed up.

I can see that he is basically telling me to put up and shut up or force the seperation. He is never going to discuss this with me is he? So what do I do now? Is he right is this just me being pathetic?

I can guarantee he will come in tonight and ignore me completely while engaging with the dc as if everything is fine and I am invisible. Then once they are in bed he will either blank me completely or make some excuse to go to bed.

Please help me sad

solidgoldbrass Fri 02-Sep-11 12:08:14

It sounds like he doesn't want to be with you any more but wants to claim the moral high ground of 'bitch threw me out!' rather than being honest and decent enough to say, 'this relationship isn't working, let's negotiate an amicable situation.'
The thing is, there is nothing shameful about binning an unsatisfactory partner. You can hold your head up and say to anyone who asked that you tried to make it work, he wouldn't make any effort to meet you half way, so you called a halt to the whole wretched business.
I suggest exploring your legal/financial position with a solicitor then telling this miserable lazy arse to get lost.

L0standFedup Fri 02-Sep-11 12:39:07

Thanks SGB. I think you have got it in one. He wants me to call time, he wants me to do all the running with sorting out where we stand and it will be left to me to speak to family.

I just cannot understand how or why you would want to throw away a family with two young children. It hurts more than anything that he will not put any amount of effort in and will happily ignore my pain.

How on earth do i even begin to get him to participate in a separation if he has been so unwilling to discuss the state of our marriage? I know he will not leave. We have been here before and I stupidly backed down.

He will suggest staying on for the kids blahblahblah or resort to sleeping in the car for a couple of nights. I feel dead inside as it is so I have no idea how I can find the strength for any of this.

Aislingorla Fri 02-Sep-11 13:44:42

Could he be depressed?

Utopian Fri 02-Sep-11 15:23:59

Controversial I know but can you not try counselling with him? Doesn't sound like you are ready to give up just yet? If he doesn't want to entertain this then maybe put the ball in his court and ask him what he want to do (if at all) to sort out your relationship.

One things for sure I would forget the sex and talking about it for now its the first thing usually to go when things are going pear shaped and usually one of the last things to get back. If it was me I would focus on trying to getting back to the reason why you guys liked each other in the first place, it must have been more than just the sex?

Do you get any time out away from the kids? Maybe its time (if possible) to leave the kids with a relative and take a break to get to like each other again? Just a thought?

solidgoldbrass Fri 02-Sep-11 16:04:18

Oh FFS this man is not going to agree to go to counselling, he just thinks that eventually the OP will either throw him out or stop whining for more attention and better treatment and settle for being his servant. But in the meantime, he's getting his meals, and his washing is done, and he looks to the outside world like a Respectable Married Man. He tells himself that he can tune out the OP's complaints and she'll shut up eventually - and if she kicks him out he will probably be able to get back in if he pretends to cry and brings her some flowers (even if he can only be arsed to go to the graveyard and pick some off a grave).

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