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stupid stupid man, what do I do next?

(14 Posts)
myboysmyworld Fri 02-Sep-11 09:50:21

I'll try and keep this as short as poss, My partner 'used' to be an alcoholic, he has been through detox etc an was off booze until new year. Drinking started increasing again so he went back to his AA meetings. I hate him when he has had a drink, i cant even stay in the same room as him, he is not abusive just stupid. Anyway, he was drinking about 4 days a week - or so i thought. I was putting our ds to bed 2 weeks ago and noticed the bath panel was loose, so i moved it and found empty beer cans, vodka bottles etc stashed behind it.
I confronted him upstairs, as his own 10yo ds was downstairs. I started to pack his bags, an i would have made him leave if it wasnt for the fact of his son being here. I gave him the choice, me or alcohol. He chose me, started taking tablets to control his cravings, and did well until he decided he didnt want to take them. I went out to his sisters wednesday night and came home to find him asleep, drunk. He hadnt even tried to hide the empties this time. I had told him if he drinks again we're done. I haven't seen him since wednesday night, he stayed out last night because 'he didnt want a row'. Do I have to finish it now, because I said I would? I still love him, but I feel like a fool.

MadameOvary Fri 02-Sep-11 09:54:09

Yes you do.
An alcoholic's primary relationship is with alcohol. He needs to deal with it before he can function successfully in a relationship. You dont need to stop loving him, you just need to put yourself first.

LIZS Fri 02-Sep-11 09:56:07

He is an alcoholic. He thinks he can control it but reality is it controls him and in turn you and the children's lives. He can't just drink occasionally, it is all or nothing. Either he has the will to take the necessary measures not to drink at all or not. Does he even recognise it as a problem if he avoids the inevitable row over it? Could you speak to Al Anon for support but I fear you may have to go throguh with the threat.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 02-Sep-11 09:57:06

Not "used to be" an alcoholic at all. He is still an alcoholic and will remain so for the rest of his days.

Finish this now for your own sake; his primary relationship is and remains with alcohol. He will put that first above you, his child infact everything and everyone. You remain his enabler.

Would also suggest you read "Codependent No More" written by Melodie Beattie as these types of unhealthy relationships often have codependency issues in them.

Ultimatums lose all their power, you should not and cannot make these if you are yourself not prepared to follow through on it.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

WickedWitchofExpandingGirth Fri 02-Sep-11 09:57:26

You would be a fool to accept this.

And you are already accepting it, he thinks, which is why he did not bother hiding the evidence this time. He clearly takes you as a mug. He did not choose you, you chose him and alcohol.

Can you get in touch with his sons mum and explain the situation? The ten year old should not have to be in this situation. Can he go live with her? Clearly he is not fit to be neither a dad nor a partner.

babyhammock Fri 02-Sep-11 09:57:28

I would.. otherwise this will just go on and on. If it doesn't give him the impetus to sort it out then nothing will and either way you would have made the right choice.

so sorry, you must feel absolutely gutted x

myboysmyworld Fri 02-Sep-11 10:07:28

I have been to Aquarius meetings, an i have read the above book, i have tried to be understanding of the addiction i feel like i have done everything i can possibly do to help. His ds's mom knows how he is, he doesnt live here but comes on the weekend and school holidays. I went to a meeting with ex addicts an one of them said to me while he is living with me, having our relationship etc he has no reason to change, i feel the only option left is to ask him to leave. I have no idea where he will go as his sister and mother ( who i am very close to) have said they wont take him, an even though this is not my problem i still feel guilt at the thought of chucking him onto the street. Im annoying myself because i know i deserve so much better. I hate weekends because thats when it seems to get worse, the last few sundays i have woken up at 8am to find him already drinking. I know he is still an alcoholic, i know he cannot social drink without taking it to far. i feel like sitting in a corner an just staying there, i dont want to deal with this anymore

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 02-Sep-11 10:15:50

Hi, myboysmyworld,

Re this comment:-
"I went to a meeting with ex addicts an one of them said to me while he is living with me, having our relationship etc he has no reason to change"

Whoever made this comment to you was absolutely correct. You enable him.

There are no guarantees with regards to alcoholism; he could lose absolutely everything and still drink afterwards.

What is there to love about him, what are you getting out of this relationship?.

You are not responsible for him. You cannot help or save anyone who does not want to be helped. Infact you are the last person who can help him and I do not mean that unkindly.

If you don't want to deal with this anymore then he has to leave. There is really no other option now and feeling like wanting to sit in a corner and stay there will not help you either.

EricNorthmansMistressOfPotions Fri 02-Sep-11 14:29:30

There isn't any point in not asking him to leave. Yes, you don't want the relationship to end - but you can't continue like this. So you have no other option. If you don't end it he will never change. He might never change anyway, it's a risk.

Pakdooik Fri 02-Sep-11 14:33:11

Myboys For your sake and that of the children you have to end it now. Until he sees the effect of his drinking he won't even think about changing.

rainbowinthesky Fri 02-Sep-11 14:33:16

It's over already. As others say alcohol will always come first. You need to end it. Bil is an alcoholic and nothing has made a difference. It's amazing he's still alive tbh after at least 20 years solid drinking.

AnyFucker Fri 02-Sep-11 17:40:51

Yes, you have to follow through on your threat or don't make it in the first place

It certainly sounds like nothing will ever change unless you take that drastic step

didyouseewhatshedid Fri 02-Sep-11 17:47:51

There was a similar thread to this recently when woman still loved bloke but found it impossible to live with him due to his drinking. Somebody suggested living in separate houses for a while - ie he move into rented accomodation for a while to show he could be sober for a year or whatever and also give woman some breathing space. Seemed like a sensible plan to me.

AnyFucker Fri 02-Sep-11 17:52:43

Yes, I saw that. Good plan, if possible.

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