Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

he won't accept my decision to leave.....wth?

(20 Posts)
rita2007 Thu 01-Sep-11 23:41:41

i have been married for 5.5 yrs and have a near 4 yr old child. my husband and i did not know each other well when we married and the last 3 yrs especially have made it clear we are completely incompatible. I know some couples can work on things but he closes off and ignores me in the house (when he is actually home) and for almost 1.5 yrs i tried to talk to him about that warning him unless he sits and talk to me and we try to communicate and understand one another - things would get to a point of no return.

For the last year, we have somewhat tried (only after i went to see a divorce lawyers) did he wake up and pay some attention to me. we have gone to therapy (3 months) and i have stayed home full time (over 1 yr now) and things have got better for 1 - 2 weeks top and then he goes back to see his comfort zone of ignoring me for tv, computer, not being social on weekends, running off to work at the drop off a hat even if it means he misses our son's first school play, etc., etc.

I have given him so many chances but things dont get better - i know i am to blame too coz i cant forgive him for ignoring me those 2 yrs or giving me no praise or encouragement for practially raising our child alone while making so much effort to build a support system around us (as my family is abroad).

now, i have told him - i cant try anymore and won't but he wont accept it. i dont know what to do now - until we talk honestly - things will be awkward in the house. Any advice.....please?

LittleHousebytheRiver Fri 02-Sep-11 00:00:08

rita you don't need his permission and you don't need him to agree with you. if he was reasonable you wouldn't be wanting to end your marriage would you?

You are not going to be able to get through this and stay best friends with him.

You just need to make a plan and put it into action. Are you hoping to move out? Or persuade him to leave? Or sell up and get two places? If he won't cooperate then you may have to leave, but you need to get some legal advice on your position and start finding out what your financial position would be as a single parent. Don't tell him you are doing this, and don't let him know what you find out, or he will use it against you.

Just start taking small actions every day towards the great escape and the day will come when you are free! I'm sure better informed people will give you more links.

rita2007 Fri 02-Sep-11 00:29:57

thanks, littlehouse. i would expect him to move but want to go smooth as possible and i want to get settled into work before he goes. i hope to find work very soon. i guess i want him to agree and accept my decision - which is prob very naive of me. i will keep working away and get my ducks in order. just wish i cud understand why a man would be like this. he clearly does not love me the way he should if he admired/adored me, so why so in denial now. maybe he just likes me being the caregiver to our son and housekeeper ;o) thanks for your advice.

pickgo Fri 02-Sep-11 00:30:32

I too think you need to focus on your plan, not really bother with talking it over with him.

It sounds like you have given the relationship and him every possible chance to improve and it hasn't. So it's pretty clear cut. Get advice on finances, housing, separation from a solicitor or Citizens Advice and then formulate a plan to separate.

solidgoldbrass Fri 02-Sep-11 00:34:42

Rita: Yes, he does see you as the housekeeper and childrearer. Because he thinks you are a 'woman', and not a person. So don't waste any more time or energy trying to make him be reasonable; see a solicitor, make your plans and dump his sorry arse.

Finallygotaroundtoit Fri 02-Sep-11 08:05:19

Good luck Rita. Just be careful that your desire to be 'adored' doesn't
lead you into another difficult relationship.

Some men with a narcissist tendency are very good at the adoring - but it's all about them and in the end not sustainable

ThePosieParker Fri 02-Sep-11 08:09:14

But what can she actually do about removing him?

solidgoldbrass Fri 02-Sep-11 09:04:16

She can start by seeing a solicitor and taking advice: it might be that she has to move out, or the courts might be able to force a sale of the house - it depends on the situation.
However if the man has been or becomes physically violent she can get him removed and prohibited from returning.

shellyp71 Fri 02-Sep-11 09:40:58

Hi rita, I see things a liitle differently to the other posters and i've been in a similar position myslef where my partner just saw me as a care-giving machine after the birth of our son, with little need for communication and affection. It's a bleak place and does very little for you self esteem. But at the same time I didn't want my son to lose having his daddy around as that has a huge impact, as it did to me and my brother when we were small. I didn't want to inflict that on my child, though of course there are many happy kids with single mums, dads - I'm just talking from my own experience. It sounds like your partner is not abusive as such but maybe ill equipped to deal with relationships, fatherhood in a responsible manner. Maybe his own role models weren't up to much.  You say he has made efforts in the past and you are partly to blame, so i see some hope of compromise here before you ultimately decide to break up.  in my case we made a plan to spend time communicating for a short whike everyday where we would tell each other exactly what we were feeling. It was difficult for both of us after living like strangers for so long, but it got easier slowly over time, and with communication come connection and then respect and feelings. Just as distance built up over the years to the point where we were almos two strangers sharing a house, with effort on both sides the distance was slowly bridged. We,ve now turned the corner and i can truly say i'm content, maybe hapiness is on the horizon at some point! And i know for sure that my son is far happier having both his parents around. All i'm saying is that divorve can be a traumatic option all round, no matter how well laid your plan is. We decided to step bank from the brink to see if we could salvage a future,  and am now thankfuk that we did, and i just want to leave that thought with you. X 
ps. Sorry for typing errors, using my phone!

InTheArmyNow Fri 02-Sep-11 09:42:13

Is the house under both names?
Do you own the house?
Is it important for you/him to keep the house? Would you be happy to live somewhere else?

If he doesn't want to leave, you might have to consider moving out yourself.
If you really don't want/can't, I would say start by ensuring that your lifes are separated. If you are not 'together' anymore, you shouldn't be cooking/wasking/ironing for him. And he shouldn't be doing that sort of things for you either. Live as if you were sharing a house. It might be that it will make it more 'real' to him and will push into action.

In the mean time, look at getting some advice from a sollicitor. I believe that another option from what SGB said is for you to stay in the house and him moving out as to protect the child (who obviously needs a house and the courts wuld try to reduce disruption for him as much as possible).

rita2007 Fri 02-Sep-11 10:45:53


i wonder if ur situation was like mine is? my husband sleeps all day (more than needed) due to working until midnight or later. he also sleeps in diff room and has for 2 yrs, he literally let me walk away with tears or dismissed for weeks at a time when i wanted to talk to him. he puts his mom, properties, gym before us. he has no real friends except 2 men who are distant but very schovonistic. i dont respect him as a person. he thinks he is great because he can make money - most of which he hides away from us. i dont think it can work. i have tried but he needed to really try to undo a bit of the hurt and pain he caused me and he has repeatedly become complacent when given chances. only threat of leaving makes him want to talk and i cant stand it. when i ask him why he wants to stays, its only for our son. he does not love, care or adore me

as for finances everyone, he would give me our house - so no prob there. he just wants to make sure i dont take anything to court coz that way he stands to lose a lot. money is more important than anything to him.

pickgo Fri 02-Sep-11 11:00:25

Given that he doesn't want you to take it to court you are in a strong position to make him leave. Just tell him unless he goes you will see a solicitor to start a divorce for unreasonable behaviour.

Once he's gone you will have to see a solicitor anyway.

LittlePickleHead Fri 02-Sep-11 11:06:33

Why do you want to protect him rita? He withholds money from you, puts it higher than you and your son, yet you have saved him goodness knows how much by being a caregiver for your son.

If you go to court and he loses money to you - well that's because you deserve it. Why should you leave with your son and struggle on whilst his wealth is protected? It's not right and you need to realise your value here.

He does sound abusive to me fwiw - ignoring you and withholding money is definite ea...and the 2 friends are massive warning signs.

Stop worrying about him and worry about yourself

TheProvincialLady Fri 02-Sep-11 11:14:31

You need to get a fair financial settlement Rta, if not for yourself then for your son. If his father is prepared to keep money from him now and makes no effort to engage with him, believe me he is not going to start when you divorce him. Don't allow him to bully you or make you feel guilty - he needs to contribute fully to his son's financial upkeep and future.

solidgoldbrass Fri 02-Sep-11 12:05:20

Rita: just because he wants to treat you like a servant and withold money from you doesn't mean he can. You are married therefore you have certain legal rights over the house, the family money, etc. Do see a solicitor. Your H is not your owner, nor is he all-powerful.

MadamDeathstare Fri 02-Sep-11 12:13:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SnapesMistress Fri 02-Sep-11 13:53:19

You mention you did not know him that well when you married, had you only been dating a few months? If you signed no sort of prenup (am assuming you are American) then you could be entitled to a fair bit which you will need as a single mother.

rita2007 Sun 04-Sep-11 00:45:59

i have been talking about going back to work from the beginning but i had no choice to stay home due to lack of support from his family. anyhow, now i am going on interviews and hope something good will materialise into a job offer. until then how do i live in the house with him? right now, i cant help but show him anger as i feel like he does not want to have an honest exchange - he just living in denial and ignoring me yet again when i say i want out. i suppose until i get a job it will be tough but after i fnd something i can just start working towards my plan. will let u guys know about the job situation. hope to get some good news within the month. fingers crossed

InTheArmyNow Sun 04-Sep-11 11:37:38

You looking for a job doesn't stop you from starting getting separated.

You need to go and see a sollicitor! You need to understand that you have rights as much as he does. By seeing a sollicitor, you will have a better idea of what you are entitled to. Also go and see CAB or have a look at the entitled website to know how much you can claim. You might surprised and realized that actually finding a job first isn't a pre-requisite (eve if it wold be nice iyswim).
Then take a decision on when to start divorce proceeding. The problem with your H behavior is that he will make the whole process drag on. He might be hoping that in the mean time you will change your mind. Which you might if he drags you down.
On a day to day basis, act as if you were separated. No cuddles, closeness of any type. Try to sleep in a different room if you can. As you detach yourself, you will probably be less and less angry.

rita2007 Sun 04-Sep-11 23:25:41

thanks for your advice. i did look into the entitlements, etc. so no prob there. as for sleeping seperately - thats been the case for a loooong time.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: