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How do I let go?

(3 Posts)
navgirl Thu 01-Sep-11 14:13:44

I learned my husband was having multiple affairs about this time last year. Some over the internet, some emotional connections with women colleagues, some were physical ? kissing - he maintains they were not sexual. When I first learned about them, I thought we had something worth saving so after chatting, I decided to give him another chance and we agreed to try again with counselling etc. However, after a few more months, it became clear that he wasn?t really willing to change and our relationship was over.

At that time, I had recently changed jobs and a colleague had begun to show a bit of interest in me. I told my husband about him and he made it clear he considered our marriage was over and he just hoped we could keep it all ?amicable.? As a result of this discussion, I started seeing this other man. When I came home the first time after being out with him (my husband knew where I had gone), my husband met me at the door in tears and begged me for another chance. I didn?t give it to him. I moved out of the house, initially staying with this other man, but eventually I broke it off with him and moved into my own rented accommodation last March.

Since March it has been a constant onslaught of my husband begging me for another chance and promising it will be different. I feel I have tried everything. At first, I met up with him and considered giving him another chance. We even went to counselling. But I found out about more indiscretions. Then I asked him to leave me alone. He stopped texting and emailing me but started sending me presents at work ? flowers, cards, bath salts. Finally, 6 weeks ago I told him that I wanted a divorce. I saw a solicitor and we went so far as to agree grounds for the divorce so it could go through smoothly. I thought I had made a lot of progress in moving forward and I was just waiting for pay day to send through the petition. However, last night I went back to the marital home to see if we could discuss how to split the finances. Being at the house was a mistake ? it instantly brought back so many memories and emotions and instead of discussing finances, I broke down in sobs and he ended up consoling me and telling me we could make it work. He sent me a text this morning and I know he must feel like there is some hope. I feel like all the hard work I had done in moving forward over the past 6 months was all undone.

Will I ever be able to move on? Has anyone been through something similar?

dolmio Thu 01-Sep-11 14:22:10

did you find out about his indiscretions at the counselling..I guess it's possible he thought he should come absolutely clean...be absolutely honest if repair and trust was going to be mended...just a thought...

If you were pulled back emotionally for a moment..and you are sure that you don't want to return, you just have to explain clearly to him that part of your emotion last night was sadness that he had fucked up..that it doesn't change anything..that it was an unrealistic yearning for something that isn't - and clearly wasn't - ever possible.

navgirl Thu 01-Sep-11 14:46:22

No - I found out initially on my own and then about the other "indiscretion" a few days after the counselling when I got a feeling I should check an email account that he had given me access to as proof that I could now trust him and found inappropriate pictures he had taken of himself and sent to someone that morning. I just couldn't understand why he would still be doing things like that any going through counselling and telling me he would do anything to get me back.

I feel like I should be sure that I don't want to return but that I'm not. That's why I find it so difficult. It seems stupid to even consider going back but why then is it all so hard?

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