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Why do men on dating sites do this?

(14 Posts)
onefishswam Thu 01-Sep-11 12:54:52

I am frustrated and a little upset as this just seems to keep happening.

You get chatting, you swap numbers, they ask you out, and then a day or so before the date they just vanish.

You have set up babysitters, or not made other plans and are left wondering what the hell happened.

I just dont understand it, its happened 3 times to me in the last 6 weeks.

I know online dating isnt all that great, i think most of the men are players tbh. but i dont come into contact with any men day to day, and since i only get out once a month or so, or when i do out its with friends for a meal or something... its just not places where you tend to meet men. So, its kind of my only option.

SingOut Thu 01-Sep-11 13:11:10

Could you be on the wrong site? It's not POF is it? That must be really annoying and depressing. Have you considered joining a hobby-specific site, or a paying one to weed out the timewasters?

onefishswam Thu 01-Sep-11 13:15:41

Well, this latest one was on okcupid for all of about 3 days, then came off it because he said he was uncomftable with online dating, but was still single. Am on his facebook and he doesnt appear to be dating/married anyone.

Ive had the same experience from paid and free sites, and i dont really understand why.

solidgoldbrass Thu 01-Sep-11 13:21:55

It's anoying but the explanation is going to be one of two things: they are married or otherwise commited and are enjoying the fantasy of being able to set up dates, but won't actually go through with it - or they set up several dates for the same day and pick the best offer.
It's nothing you've done, honest.

HairyGrotter Thu 01-Sep-11 14:16:04

How frustrating angry. I'd be super pissed.

I've been using online dating sites since May, and haven't found it to be the case with men cancelling or disappearing, but I've a pretty good bullshit meter. I'm currently seeing a guy I met on POF and he's delightful, but I've still got the meter on the go.

I would hazard a guess that these men are married or are just nobends who just like the initial attention as opposed to the actual meet. They clearly aren't ready for dating online wise! Don't take it personally, the fault lies soley with them! Keep your head up

onefishswam Thu 01-Sep-11 16:09:04

ive been using them for almost 3 years.
Ive been single for over 3 years. Im amazed that they work for anyone and today im just feeling awful about still being on my own.

ChizChizChiz Thu 01-Sep-11 16:16:36

There's absolutely nothing wrong with being on your own. Why do you feel awful about it?

Maybe you should take a complete break from online dating for a bit and concentrate on getting other stuff going on in your life? Stuff that you know you won't have to cancel the babysitter for smile Tbh if you feel it's awful to be on your own, you're possibly not attracting quite right sort of bloke...

I did online dating for years, on and off, but never allowed myself to get down about it. If I found it was making me feel a bit discouraged, I stopped for 6 months or so and concentrated on my friends, job, other social stuff. You will meet dickheads; it's par for the course unfortunately. But I know LOADS of people for whom it's worked (including me, eventually!)

beatenbyayellowteacup Thu 01-Sep-11 16:18:28

You're feeling awful because some knobjockey has been a knobjockey to you. Not all men are like that. It only takes one good bloke.

Í''m still waiting for him too, mind, but I will find him, now that I've finely tuned my twat radar smile

onefishswam Thu 01-Sep-11 16:26:39

i dont feel awful being on my own. im used to it. i just feel a bit crap that ive been single for so long. Im just feeling a bit lonely.
Ive got tons of things going on in my life. im a busy person, doesnt mean that i dont sometimes miss being in a relationship.

beatenbyayellowteacup Fri 02-Sep-11 01:15:42

today im just feeling awful about still being on my own

Sorry onefish - I was responding to that comment.

midwife99 Fri 02-Sep-11 08:37:54

I did alot of online dating & sometimes had that happen but I found that the premium paid sites are better to weed out timewasters than free ones & I never arranged a date until had been chatting on the phone with someone as well as online for a few weeks. It's bound to happen to everyone so it's def not you!! I used to say to friends that men have a conversation in their heads all by themselves along the lines of "oh god, she's got kids, what if she makes me fall in love with her & marry her & then the kids become my responsibility" etc etc! And that's before you've even said you want a relationship!

TrainingJedi Fri 02-Sep-11 08:44:25

I've had nothing but bad experiences from dating sites. I came across a man who started sending me naked pictures of himself. Another man who seemed lovely and just before we were due to meet he got drunk and sent me extremely abusive messages calling me a slut and saying I needn't think I could "fuck him around" as I would regret "fucking with him" - next day full of apologies and said he doesn't drink much hmm what a lucky escape that was.
One man I did meet turned out to be a complete mummy's boy, she packed his bags for him, cooked all his meals, still bought his underwear for him etc and he had NO IDEA what real life was like (classed his xbox live subscription as one of his monthly essential bills whilst his mum was paying off his credit card debts) and my current "boyfriend" who is turning up to be a fecking nightmare tbh.

solidgoldbrass Fri 02-Sep-11 08:55:21

I have heard good things about guardian soulmates as a dating site (mate of mine met her DH through it) but you do have to pay to join. Mind you, it is an issue that if you are desperate for a man, you attract arseholes and predators, nice men are wary of women who seem messed up and vulnerable.

Makeyerowndamndinner Fri 02-Sep-11 18:03:43

The scenario you describe is really very common on dating sites. It's all so anonymous, nobody feels they really owe each other anything (which they don't), and so sometimes even basic courtesy can fly out of the window.

The trick is not to take it personally - you've never met this man, you have no idea what his personal circumstances might be - folk have all sorts of reasons for joining dating sites and being genuinely interested in forming a real relationship is only one of them.

I'm on Guardian Soulmates and there are definitely a lot of interesting and attractive men on there. The dynamics are the same as on any other dating site though - you need a hide like a rhino for this game I'm afraid!

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