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Narcissistic mother

(7 Posts)
lolaflores Thu 01-Sep-11 07:56:09

light bulb moment here yesterday re the above. I have struggled since I can remember with my mother's indifference, e.g., achieve an A in Honours English at Leaving cert (yes grew up in Ireland) to which she responded "Is that good"? , had something better to do the day of my graduation (aged 32 as a mature student and single parent) and a tedious litany of similar "can't be arsed with you" type stuff. In my own way I concluded she was as mad as a bag of frogs and that her behaviour at heart was not malicious. But in recent years, since the birth of my 2nd girl and the birth of my sisters 1st boy, it is becoming harder to not feel hurt.

I see lots of grandparents out with their gc's and it makes me think, my mother hasn't taken my youngest for as much as a walk around the block. She actively involves herself with my eldest (18) to the point that I feel as if i am vying for the job of mother. Loves to tell me if eldest has phoned her first with news of something. etc.

I am being treated for depression, self harm suicidal behaviour, which the rest of the family consider attention seeking and generally being naughty. They love doing interventions which generally turn into a free for all. I am keeping them all at arms length, mother not specially aware of this, as her contact is patchy though she lives round the corner. spends most of her time at my sisters. i realise that my sister is the golden child and engulfed by mother. so that is a positive...

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow Thu 01-Sep-11 09:05:49

Welcome to the fold, lola.

I'm sorry to hear about your MH issues, but hopefully finding the root cause as you have now done will go some way to helping you manage your depression.

Come join us on the Stately Homes thread if you want to vent with others in the same situation.

I was also the "bad child", which I realise now is something of a saving grace (destroyed my self-belief, of course, but at least it puts me in a position where it is somewhat easier to rebel)

thisishowifeel Thu 01-Sep-11 09:43:51

Oh dear, poor you.

And another one here.

My mother is a witch. I sometimes feel sorry for her, but then I think what she has put me through, and the sympathy is muted.

I was the family scapegoat too. I found the "therapy" from the stately homes threads incredibly useful, validating and freeing. Yes the scapegoat gets a chance to get out...golden children don't.

Do post at length there.

nametapes Thu 01-Sep-11 09:51:33

Ditto ditto here too. My mother is horrible, difficult, critical, short tempered, angry... I could go on.
I am reading a book which I adivse you all to read,

"healing you emotional self" It discusses all the ways we have been treated as a child , emotional abuse, physical abuse and how it makes us feel about ourselves.
LOLAFLORES.... you have done nothing wrong, your mother has the problems, she is emotionally abusive, and so was her mother/father. She had the wrong parenting and is passing it on... Break the pattern.

I am trying hard here to break the cycle. I am positively thinking how I speak to my children, without being critical, and insulting. It takes conscious effort.
You are not alone, I am the family scapegoat with my mother and sister. y sis is the golden child, and I am totally stupid and thick.... or so they make me feel. I have stood up to my mother and sister, and it has caused massive arguments... but it makes me feel good not to let them walk all over me.

JosieRosie Thu 01-Sep-11 09:52:36

Hi lola, I have a similar situation with my mother. It's so HORRIBLY hurtful, isn't it? I don't have DCs but I could well imagine that if I did, my mother would be keen to 'take them over' as it seems your mum is trying to do with your DCs.
For me, the realisation that she (and my dad!) more than likely has NPD was enormously helpful because all these years I have worried terribly that it was all my fault. Like you, I am often cast in the role of drama queen/lunatic/troublemaker within my family and it's so isolating and undermining. I see a psychotherapist weekly and this is literally changing my life. All for the better, although it is bloody painful at times.

Keep posting, there are lots of people on here who understand what you're going through and you need as much validation as you can get after being so undermined for so long

lolaflores Thu 01-Sep-11 10:25:51

bless you all my darlings. your thoughts have brought tears to my eyes. Indeed, my granny was a very difficult woman too. My father died when I was 7, and so there was no buffer zone between me and mother dearest. Basically left in the care of an unpredictable psychopath. I have never felt safe. I distrust the world and am happiest in bed with a book, the lamp on and the house quiet. It is safer that way. Am off to the stately homes thread, do come along, it is like nutrition for my shakey shakey heart

nametapes Thu 01-Sep-11 19:18:17

big arms around you lolaflores.
If it wasnt for my kind , patient dad, who is now 83 yrs, i would probably be a total nutcase. I will miss my dad when he dies, (he has heart failure) ,and I wil be sad when my mum dies, but i wont miss her nastiness and cruel words. Trouble is when dad dies my mum will be a bloody nightmare to look after. She is getting Dementia!!

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