I actually know the answer to this but I think I need some hand holding while I do it.
I found out about his sexting affair (that would have been more had I not found out) because I found his secret phone that he bought home from work accidentally instead of leaving it at work like he had done before. So this meant that I saw all of the texts he sent and received and the dates, including our first wedding anniversary, Xmas, New Year, the date of our babys 20 week scan, valentines....... Nice huh?
As it stands we are not exactly together but not exactly apart. I had hoped that I would be able to deal with this myself, without outside help, I am a great believer in self help books! But I am failing and I have accepted that Relate is now the only option. The only reason I am still with him (well, with him-ish) is because of the baby and the other kids, that and the fact that he really does have nowhere to go. His family stopped speaking to him when he married me (its complicated but not our fault and he supported me over his family all the way down the line) and we dont have the money to fund another place even in the short term. I do have family but I couldnt ask them to put up me and the 5 kids indefinetely, and tbh I wouldnt want to live with my mother, as much as I love her! And because I love the man I thought I was married to and need to know that I tried.
I still have the secret phone and it has become something of an obsession. She was his ex and over the years we were together she would get in touch periodically with something very inappropriate, even when she knew we were together, engaged etc. Photos of herself, explicit messages and so on. He had always told me about it before so I never considered her a threat. Even when he sent her a message saying that he had showed me her photo and he didnt want her getting intouch again, she did and while he did mention it, he DIDNT mention the fact that they were sexting and arranging to meet up . So I know that she will get in touch again. I dont know why she does it, a power trip maybe or for a laugh? Either way, I am now obsessively checking this phone daily to find out if today is the day that she tries it on again. Realistically I know it wont be for months, but every time I look at it I am reminded of the messages and sometimes I read them again and I am back where I was 2 months ago when I found out. And I am of course focussing on her when I should be focussing on him and why he went along with it. It is really harming my recovery.
I know I should just chuck it but I cant bear the thought that I dont know what she is doing. She only has the secret number, and possibly his old number, which I now have the sim for.
Why do I care so much? Why cant I let it go? It says in the "How can I ever trust you again" book that you shouldnt read the emails or texts and I totally agree. I am obsessed!
How do I get rid?
PS I should add before anyone asks, that I did grill him about whether this was the first time he had done this with her, or whether I just didnt find out before and he swears it was the first time. He actually said that the reason he told me she had texted him when their affair started was because he knew that it would mean I wasnt worried about it and wouldnt be suspicious. He is a crap liar and I do believe him on that, although not much else atm :(
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Relationships
Should I chuck away his "secret" phone? (Long, sorry)
16 replies
Bogeyface · 31/08/2011 22:03
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