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Is men looking at Porn normal and does it mean...

(101 Posts)
40notTrendy Wed 31-Aug-11 20:10:48

I'm not enough?
Have read through some threads on here about Porn but could do with some opinions. DH looks at porn on t'internet maybe once or twice a week but it could be a lot more as he works from home. It doesn't have any obvious impact on our relationship or sex life but it makes me feel uncomfortable. I'm not particularly confident, well, not at all confident really blush talking to him about sex but what we do together is good although I guess it could be more often!
I find junk emails from very dodgy websites from time to time and I worry that he's registered on some porn site or other. He's very computer savvy and I only know what he looks at coz he made a slip up once.
Do I need to have a conversation with him, where I would squirm and find it hard to say anything or can I just assume it's something he does and doesn't mean anything negative for our marriage?
name change as I think he knows my nickname (not paranoid at all then..hmm)

SecretCodesandBattleships Wed 31-Aug-11 20:22:26

It definitely does NOT mean you are not enough for him. Not in my opinion anyway. I do thnk you have every right to have questions though and want to know more. I would definitely have a conversation about it but it depends on your relationship as to how you approach it.

If you're really not comfortable with him looking at porn at all I would still talk to him about it and let him know that it males you feel unhappy.

Personally I think once you have talked about it, you may not be so uncomfy with. You may even be able to share it with him (unless that idea really isn't an option for you!)

Personally I have no problem with my DH looking at porn and I certainly like the odd bit myself grin. It doesn't make me feel uncomfortable because I know that we can watch it together if we wanted and I can be honest and say what I've looked at and what he likes etc. I think it would only bother me if it was somekind of live web cam related site where he was actually being sexual with someone else and engaging with them. Just watching porn or looking at images really doesn't worry me at all. Dispite the fact that I look nothing like the perfect porn stars.

I do think you'll feel better if you do approach the subject with him.

RufousBartleby Wed 31-Aug-11 20:26:11

I don't think its any reflection on you, and I think its fairly normal - however much threads on here might be disapproving of it.

You are enough for him, it may just mean that he needs more visual imagery when he masturbates.

Try not to let it affect your confidence. Maybe have a chat with him about it, he may be able to reassure you.

40notTrendy Wed 31-Aug-11 20:30:04

We had a very 'squirmy' conversation a few months back, where I managed to squeak out it made me feel uncomfortable (this was after I found him watching something, which I suspect was a live thing but he said he didn't 'interact' with what was going on). The idea of watching something together isn't unpalatable but I just can't imagine doing the conversations to get to that point grin
I guess I'm a bit sheltered when it comes to sex, maybe lacking in confidence? Not helped by man looking at nubile skinny things!

SecretCodesandBattleships Wed 31-Aug-11 20:39:29

I see what u mean. Sometimes I look at the skinny models and think Oh my GOD!! That is so not even a position I could get myself into lol but honestly I don't think that's why men watch porn. They are looking at the act, it's just a visual aid, it's not that he wished you looked like that or that you are in any way inadequate. I think something like 75% of men watch porn at least once a week so he is by no means unusual for doing it. I think it's something you should try and be open about. If he knows you know and accept it then he is far more likely to be honest and include you in it I would have thought. Maybe if you watched some porn (providing you're not against it as you say you're not) then you could approach him by saying you watched 'x' on the internet and maybe you could open the gates a bit. Just seems like you both daren't approach it and it just takes one coversation for you to feel sooo much better about it. I must admit though, I watch more porn than DH does so maybe I'm unusual!

thisishowifeel Wed 31-Aug-11 20:41:47

My first husband had a problem with porn.

It became my problem with porn.

Then my ds who was six at the time, stood behind him while he was "doing" his porn, and drew some pictures at school that caught the interest of the staff. So it became his problem, and the school's problem.

He ran up debts on credit card that never were accounted for. My problem...I paid them off.

I kept being told that men doing this was "normal"..... Problem for my self esteem.

I do not believe that it is "normal", and know lots of men who do not use porn, and find the objectification of women degrading. As a couple of male friends said...."Sex...it's not a spectator sport now is it?" A bit of a blokish way to express something, but makes a great point. I mean...whatever happened to dignity and respect?

If you FEEL uncomfortable, you probably should be uncomfortable.
Don't let people tell you that exploiting women in this way makes for a good relationship and sex life...it just doesn't.

RebelFromTheWaistDown Wed 31-Aug-11 21:11:48

Search for images of men with huge cocks and men fucking each other on his computer and leave the history for him to find.

Maybe then your DH could answer your question as to whether porn is normal and acceptable in a relationship.

susiedaisy Wed 31-Aug-11 21:14:53

OP what effect did seeing your exh 'doing his porn' have on your child?

40notTrendy Wed 31-Aug-11 21:23:35

If he's careful enough not to let me see it then family certainly won't. Not the type to do tit for tat, prefer to try and pick the right moment and time to chat smile
I have to face the fact he looks and I think find a way to open it up so I can stop brooding over it.

maleview70 Wed 31-Aug-11 21:33:22

Whether its ok or not is no doubt going to be debated on here but it is so easily accessible that you can virtually watch it whenever you want, wherever you want. You can even get porn on iphone whilst on the move! Why do you think hotels have pay per view porn channels? For men away on business. If men didnt buy these channels then the hotels wouldnt have them!

Porn is something that many men are exposed to at a very young age. All of my friends when we were growing up were into porn. Much of this was what we found hidden away by our dads!!

Even now 20 odd years later we still all view porn from time to time. Some infrequently, some often. I dont know any men who either havent or dont watch porn.

There will be comments like "I know loads of men who dont watch porn". This cant be 100% accurate as many men wont admit to it and certainly not to a woman!

confidence Wed 31-Aug-11 21:52:21

It doesn't have any obvious impact on our relationship or sex life but it makes me feel uncomfortable. I'm not particularly confident, well, not at all confident really talking to him about sex but what we do together is good although I guess it could be more often!

Do I need to have a conversation with him, where I would squirm and find it hard to say anything or can I just assume it's something he does and doesn't mean anything negative for our marriage?

Surely you've answered your own question? You said yourself that it doesn't have any obvious impact on your relationship or sex life. So what's the problem? It sounds a bit like you're trying to talk yourself into worrying about it because people have told you it must be a problem - even though it isn't.

You could talk to him about it if it would make you feel better. Or not. Can't see it really matters.

defrocked Wed 31-Aug-11 21:54:05

i look at porn, i am a woman

doesnt mean anything about my relationship

its just something i like to do

confidence Wed 31-Aug-11 21:54:48

thisishowifeel - I've certainly never met anyone, pro or anti porn, who thinks that running up credit card debts one can't pay and leaving them to one's spouse, or masturbating in front of one's child, is "normal".

LindsayWagner Wed 31-Aug-11 21:58:37

The OP has said it has had an impact on her relationship. It makes her feel insecure and anxious.

OP, it might be 'normal' - these things are cultural and change over time, and there's been (in historical terms) an incredibly rapid shift over the last 10 years towards normalising porn use. But that doesn't mean you have to accept it, and any man worth his salt (baboom) would privilege his partner over his desire to watch porn.

electra Wed 31-Aug-11 22:00:27

Speaking as someone who has watched porn myself I'd say that people watch it for the sex, not because they are wishing they were having sex with one of the people in the film. It's the stimulation of seeing the sex rather than anything else imo.

There are a lot of reasonable arguments about whether porn is ethical but that's a whole other issue.

confidence Wed 31-Aug-11 22:04:29

Oh and to the OP -

It certainly doesn't mean you're "not enough". This is a fatal misunderstanding that so many women suffer from. Nearly all men have a large store of purely physical, impersonal sex drive running through them that will react to pretty much any attractive female form it comes into contact with. It exists completely beyond the parameters of monogomous social expectation, always has and always will. Of course there are various options about how to deal with it, but you musn't think of it as some kind of barometer of the success or failure of a monogamous relationship. It's something altogether different, which just IS. Honestly, you could be an 18-year-old nymphomaniac supermodel and it wouldn't make any difference - that part of him that exists outside of monogamy would still exist just the same.

SecretCodesand Battleships talks a lot of sense.

40notTrendy Wed 31-Aug-11 22:07:53

This is the first time I've ever communicated about this issue and I'm finding it reassuring that it's ok to debate and talk about men and porn. I genuinely have no idea what the reality of it is outside my own relationship. And I think that's where I need to start, finding out a bit more.

thisishowifeel Wed 31-Aug-11 22:08:19

MALEVIEW:

How do you know? Just because someone says so, means doodly. Maybe they're just trying to fit in with what they think they ought to be doing?

So as you say, loads of men won't admit doing it...how do you know that they don't want to admit NOT doing it?

That would be quite challenging.

I went through a phase with a longterm boyfriend in our late teens that involved watching porn, We both got pretty bored, pretty quick with it.
I personally think that is another way for men to be disconnected and detached from their own sensate function. Which appears to cause a stunning amount of problems for humanity.

electra Wed 31-Aug-11 22:13:35

I don't think that watching porn has anything to do with something outside of monogamy, personally. Though I agree that people are stimulated by porn no matter how attractive their partner is.

electra Wed 31-Aug-11 22:17:03

oh and the other thing about porn is that it can provide an angle that you fantasise about but maybe wouldn't want to do in real life because it would not be practical / could cause problems. Like threesomes. A bf of mine liked looking at films where the man had something specific which obviously I would not have been able to provide! Sometimes there is much more to it than your dp wanting to look at other women.

garlicnutter Wed 31-Aug-11 22:37:17

it is another way for men to be disconnected and detached from their own sensate function

Good lord, thisis, you've just framed a thought I've been struggling with for decades!

Leaving aside the exploitation & ethical issues - which are very significant now, but weren't when I were a lass - I knew he wasn't wishing I were the woman in the video - not exactly - but also knew the porn threatened our sexual relationship.

And that is why. In having sex, in his head, with the women in the films, he wasn't wishing I were them BUT he was separating a large chunk of his sexuality into a non-human realm. If you get your rocks off that easily, just by pressing 'play', then your interest in a real, sweaty, emotional, human sexual relationship will diminish won't it? It's an ergonomic no-brainer.

40 - No matter what the issue, when your relationship's making you uncomfortable something is wrong. I do hope you'll keep your thread going for a while; it sounds like the safe space to work out your thoughts & feelings about this will be useful smile

maleview70 Wed 31-Aug-11 22:49:51

I know because they show stuff they have on their phones, they talk about different sites and can be quite specific. I knew as a lad growing up becuase we would swap mags/vids etc. These are all working class lads who still go to the pub with the lads 2/3 times a week. Maybe not every male does porn but loads do and it would be very naive to think otherwise.

40notTrendy Wed 31-Aug-11 22:56:05

Thanks garlic smile
A lot of people that know me see a confident ballsy woman, but on this I feel like a mouse. I think I'm seeking some reassurance that all is well but I see that my feelings are ok and need addressing before 'all is well'

LindsayWagner Wed 31-Aug-11 23:34:08

I think, on the whole, that you'll see a big difference between what intelligent 40+ women think and what intelligent 25+ women think, when you explore this 40notTrendy. You have to decide what you think.

Youngers think all fine, but that;s deffo not the only view out there.

My DP for eg hasn't been int'd in porn past teenagehood, sees it as a mark of 'can't get a fuck', 'can't cope with real women's sexuality' and 'mmm watching traffick'd women do things they probably don't want to do hmm'.

solidgoldbrass Thu 01-Sep-11 00:56:36

Some people like porn, some have no interest in it, some have ethical objections to it. Ethical objections (on the grounds of mistreatment of performers) aside for the moment: most of the people who watch and enjoy and wank over porn do so as a form of temporary escapism. Some porn viewers are dysfunctional horrible people, but then so are some trainspotters/wine drinkers/sports fans.

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