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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Snoring on purpose?

48 replies

Allboxedin · 31/08/2011 18:11

This is going to sound really crazy and far fetched but has anyone ever experienced a partner snore on purpose maybe to get the bed to themselves?
DH and me have been having relationship problems up and down for a while (some of you may have read my other thread)
Anyway we sleep in seperate rooms because DH snores a lot and I can't in the same room. I started out on the sofa most nights and then managed to get a single bed for the spare room our dd sleeps in so sleep in there while dh has the main bedroom. I'm 33 weeks pregnant again now and he is also saying he wants the baby in with us. (its going to be pretty squashed!)

Anyway, I know he probably has a genuine snoring problem but sometimes, it was like he would do it almost on purpose so I would go out of the room. Even when he wasn't really asleep he would do it really loudly and then suddenly start and stop if I moved or something.
Then once I had moved into the other room I would wake up and go to the loo and he would start snoring as I walked past his room. :(

Am I crazy to think this?

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thisisyesterday · 31/08/2011 18:19

hmmm it sounds a bit weird.
i would start sleeping in your bed again. if he snores then kick HIM out into the spare bed.
if you can go to bed and fall asleep before he comes to bed you may be able to sleep through any real snoring he does?

annababy · 31/08/2011 18:20

Sorry this sounds like a nightmare and I haven't got any practical advice really but I can't get past the fact that you are 33 weeks pregnant yet you are in a single bed in your dd room but he is in the double bed?
I know someone with sleep apnea-not sure of spelling-and his snoring is shocking,maybe it's that?
Can't he swap beds with you?

Mabelface · 31/08/2011 18:26

Tell him to go to the doctor if his snoring is that bad. My other half is undergoing monitoring on his.

GrownUpNow · 31/08/2011 18:27

You mean pretending to snore?

Allboxedin · 31/08/2011 18:27

He is king of the jungle I'm afraid so he won't go int the spare bed. I can't be bothered tbh, I'm struggling with him as it is and he will just go into one of his moods again! I am just trying to piece together some puzzles to try and sort myself out. You know when something pops up in your mind and you can't work it out?

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Allboxedin · 31/08/2011 18:28

Grown up yes.

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Allboxedin · 31/08/2011 18:29

I'm just wondering if it could be one of his control tactics or something, but maybe I'm barking up the wrong tree, I don't want to start reading into things if its genuine.

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thisisyesterday · 31/08/2011 19:02

hmmm it sounds like this problem is the tip of the iceberg really.
have you considered relationship counselling?

Allboxedin · 31/08/2011 19:09

He would laugh at the idea tbh thisisyesterday, He denies we have any problem and he has already told me I shouldnt speak about our personal things with people outside.

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clam · 31/08/2011 19:09

"He is king of the jungle I'm afraid"
How come?
Coz there's your problem.

Allboxedin · 31/08/2011 19:11

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1288539-Pretty-sure-DH-doesnt-love-me-anymore
Just to put it in perspective, don't expect you to read it all but might give some idea. Had lots of help there already but I am going through a few days of like having some revelations! :)

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Allboxedin · 31/08/2011 19:11

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1288539-Pretty-sure-DH-doesnt-love-me-anymore

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thisisyesterday · 31/08/2011 19:13

so, he rules the house, he has basically kicked you out of the bedroom, he doesn't want you back in there wen you have the baby, you have other relationship problems and he won't "let" you talk to anyone about it?

i'd be packing my bags op. why waste your life?

GrownUpNow · 31/08/2011 19:13

I think if you seriously believe he's pretending to snore that there are issues that need to be discussed.

Perhaps come to an agreement that at the end of your pregnancy that he will be the one to switch beds for the end of your pregnancy, so that you can get a decent rest.

And recommend a GP to him, my ex snored terribly and it turned out he had a very bad problem with sleep apnea.

Allboxedin · 31/08/2011 19:15

I could try that grownup and see what his response is to getting some help. I don't think he will take it seriously tbh but I can't speak for him.

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Allboxedin · 31/08/2011 19:16

TIY - I'm getting there! Slowly :)

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GrownUpNow · 31/08/2011 19:20

Even if it's not waking him up, it could very well affect the quality of his sleep, which means he'll wake up still tired. My ex was actually stopping breathing up to 50 times an hour, and ended up needing an operation to remove tonsils and adenoids to try and clear up his airways. My son had the same operation aged four because it looked like he was developing the same breathing problems in sleep. You could always say you were talking to a friend and she told you, and you wondered if he could just get it checked in case it's something more serious than snoring.

buzzsorekillington · 31/08/2011 20:38

I think if you think he'd fake snoring to deprive you of the bed or sleep, then you need to consider getting out.

And to make you sleep out of the marital bed when you are heavily pregnant makes him a complete and utter arse (amongst numerous other rude words).

Allboxedin · 31/08/2011 20:49

I am considering my options buzz, just slowly I think because of the children. If it weren't for them I probably would be by now. Its an interesting thought though, at least everyone doesnt think I am a complete nutter!

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ShoutyHamster · 01/09/2011 13:33

From this thread and the OP of your first thread - go to solo counselling, which I would like to suggest would be your first step in getting out of a marriage which sounds borderline abusive.

King of the Jungle? Really.

Really :)

The first step is of course to take control of what you do - and refuse to allow him decision making powers over that. So he won't sleep elsewhere? Perhaps then you should buy a new bed - a comfortable one - for the spare room, and decide that from now on you will sleep there. Perhaps permanently. If he doesn't like it, go to the GP and ask them what you can do to combat late pregnancy joint pain, given that you are having to sleep on a sofa. Do not discuss with him in advance that you are going to have this appointment, because he would obviously not want you to go - the point is to get across to him that borderline abusive behaviour is something that you are willing to make public. A more decisive option would be to simply arrange to move elsewhere for late pregnancy, as you do not have a bed available to you. Make his treatment of you public, for a start. Don't collude in this treatment.

And book counselling, and be honest with them about your relationship dynamic. This isn't good.

HappyHubbie · 01/09/2011 14:00

I snore like a pig. I've recorded it (iPhone app called Sleeptalk or something), how my wife can sleep beside me is a mystery. It does stop and start, and she's noticed how being disturbed can cause it to start or stop. I don't think he's doing it deliberately. I've just been to the Dr about sleep apnea, waiting on a referral. They have a list of criteria - how long you sleep, do you wake up tired, nod off during the day, etc. With sleep apnea you don't get quality sleep - I sleep 8-9 hours a day yet I'm perpetually tired. According to my wife I actually stop breathing for a while (like 20 seconds or something) and then snort and snore again. She finds it quite scary, can't say I've noticed!

Having said all that, the snoring is the least of your problems, it should be him on the sofa not you - you're pregnant, you deserve way more consideration than he's giving you. And all this 'King of the jungle' crap isn't good, he sounds like an arsehole. My wife snored when she was pregnant - if it got really bad I slept on the sofa. He should be in the spare room, and he should see a Doctor about the snoring. I've always snored and laughed it off as 'just something I do', but bizarrely I read that Ed Milliband (who I can't stand, but that's not the point) suffers from sleep apnea and recently had an operation to correct it - that made me wake up and realise that it is a real 'thing'.

Allboxedin · 01/09/2011 19:30

Thanks both, My main problem is not knowing where I stand, as I have written in the other thread, its a week of silence and ignoring me and then he will suddenly be really nice for a little while then we are back to square one. I've grown numb, don't even feel anything anymore. I don't know if he is pushing me away on purpose (hence why I thought maybe he was snoring to get rid of me from the bed) or just wants it his way.
I don't think I would mind if I knew it was all genuine, I know lots of people snore and find solutions to it. I think the comfy bed for the spare room is a good idea though, but I doubt I will fit more than a single in there :(
Gah! the whole thing is just confusing and my head is going around in circles!

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ImperialBlether · 01/09/2011 20:12

Funny, I believed straight away that he was doing it on purpose. I think it's one of those things - why on earth would you think it if there wasn't a possibility it was happening?

I don't think it's so that he can have the bed to himself, it's to inconvenience you and put you in your place.

It's so obvious that if he's the one snoring, he should be the one to go into another bed, just as if you're heavily pregnant and can't sleep, he should let you have the bed to yourself.

He sounds really awful, OP. Are you sure you want to continue living with him? Is there somewhere you could go to if you left?

Allboxedin · 01/09/2011 20:33

IB you really think so? I just had it niggling me at the back of my mind. I'm glad people don't actually think I am going insane yet though!

I'm working on it, I'm due in October so its getting close now, I don't think I have the energy to do much before baby is here. If I can get my head around these 'nice' phases he goes through inbetween I know people will help out once they know I want to get out. I'm actually ina bit of a difficult location atm as I can't just jump on a train at the station, I would have to takes buses or tubes to get to the main station and with a toddler that's not going to be easy, it would then be at least a 3 hour journey after that.

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ImperialBlether · 01/09/2011 20:55

That is perfectly doable though, OP, if that's what you want to do. Everything is possible if it just concerns you.

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