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Have you ever realised you don't actually like a friend?

(14 Posts)
LeoTheLateBloomer Wed 31-Aug-11 14:23:37

I fell into a friendship with someone earlier this year. I needed help, she was there and able to help (didn't know her that well at the time but we'd spent a bit of time together with DDs the same age).

Since then we've done quite a bit together and have helped each other out with child care (her more than me because I've needed the help more and haven't had anyone else to ask).

Anyway, recently I've started realising that I don't particularly enjoy her company. I can't be specific but I just find her really irritating. She's really bossy (and having met her mother recently I can see where she gets it from) and I find it very hard to get anything through to her. She doesn't seem to sympathise or empathise very well and I've been having a really hard time recently.

The problem is that we share several friends and we all tend to do things together. We've also made an arrangement that as of next week she will have my DD every Wednesday morning and I'll have hers every Friday.

I don't think I'm asking for advice particularly, but just wondering if anyone has experienced anything similar.

I know I'll just have to go with it but I'm not very good at hiding my frustration. Maybe I'll have to get better at that.

Don't feel you have to respond. This is theraputic as much as anything. Have had a really shit morning!

Bogeyface Wed 31-Aug-11 14:26:23

I am finding it hard for marry together the fact that you dont think she is particularly sympathetic or empathetic, with the fact that she has helped you alot over the last year.

Someone who isnt able to empathise or sympathise wouldnt be that keen to help you would they?

Tbh your post sounds very ungrateful. You liked her well enough when she was helping you but now you have decided that she is getting on your nerves!

cjbartlett Wed 31-Aug-11 14:28:28

Well she has helped you out more than you her
Without meaning to sound harsh but if you're having a hard time do you talk about it a lot
I have a friend who goes on a lot about the same stuff so I do sometimes try to jolly her out of it and into another subject maybe coming across as a bit bossy?

cjbartlett Wed 31-Aug-11 14:30:02

Bf put it much better than me

justhe1 Wed 31-Aug-11 14:30:30

Well, this reads like you have had help from her at a vulnerable time, and now you have reflected, you have little in common and you clash with her personalitly.

In answer to your question though, yes i have in fact cut contact with one particular friend because she made it too hard to be friends with her.
Demanding, bossy, selfish, unkind, competitive, critical and always knows best.

Gone, dont miss her at all.

Stokey38 Wed 31-Aug-11 14:33:25

Leo - I have someone like this, our oldest DCs are best friends and when I first met her I really liked her and then when I got to know her a bit better I realised I didn't like so much. She can be really tactless and a few things she has said about other people's DCs have really shocked me TBH. We were on maternity together last year and she drove me mad but we see each other a lot less now and it's fine and also we babysit each others kids and my DCs love her. It's so tricky with new baby friends as the friendships can bloom a lot quicker than normal and then you can get stuck with someone you're not keen on! My only advice would be to try and see her a bit less, worked for me.

greencolorpack Wed 31-Aug-11 14:33:49

Yes I have.

Sorry you are feeling this way.

Sometimes the friends you superficially love and admire at first turn out to be not really friends, you were just projecting a lot of idealism onto them, whereas the ones you don't like much at first can be a slow burn. And you end up being good friends. Perhaps even if you're not friends, you're in a mutually advantageous reciprocal babysitting arrangement, and that's fine as long as it works, as long as she's okay looking after your kids. Just consider it more like a business arrangement and don't worry about being BFFs.

LeoTheLateBloomer Wed 31-Aug-11 14:43:24

Glad the last few posts were slightly more understanding than the first!

I'm definitely seeing less of her. The majority of the help she provided came before I knew her very well or realised that she just wasn't my cup of tea.

I get the feeling she's clinging to me as a friend, but I am trying to put some space there.

Bluesue26 Wed 31-Aug-11 14:53:40

I'd be careful if I were you. If you just suddenly ditch her you could come off as a user and as you've got mutual friends that could have a knock on effect there.

TheOriginalFAB Wed 31-Aug-11 14:56:13

I am a little bit on the other side. I helped someone a lot last year and now they are doing fine, nada.

nickelbabe Wed 31-Aug-11 14:57:06

yes, too true.
i've got one of those upstairs right now making a cup of tea.

feel very guilty for saying that.

NanaNina Wed 31-Aug-11 15:09:08

Hi Leo - I was quite shocked at some poster's response to your post. I don't think you sound ungrateful at all - just asking quite an interesting question.

I think as far as friends go, there is a lot of chemistry involved - why do we like A more than B - sometimes there isn't anything specific, it's just a feeling.....I thought it was interesting that you said "I fell into a friendship" - almost as though you were pushed, or did you "fall" accidentally? I know people are always saying "I fell pregnant" and you may be using it in the same way.

You haven't known this person very long, so if you need to put some space between you and her (as you say) then it isn't going to be like breaking a long friendship. This happened to me though, I had been really good friends who a woman who I met at work and we did a lot of stuff together and spent a lot of time together. My kids all grown and flown the nest and she didn't have any. Everything was fine (I'm talking about 10 yrs+ of friendship) until we went on holiday together, and then it was awful - she seemed to be so mean about money and working out exactly how much tip to leave, and this sort of thing drives me mad. We had a kitty for food and meals out and one night I saw some jelly shoes I wanted for the sea (10 euros) so took it out of the kitty money. The next day she reminded me that I needed to replace the 10 euros in the kitty------it wasn't that I thought I shouldn't - it was just that she told me. At the end of the week there was money left in the kitty and she wanted to share it out, but I just said "oh you take it" and so she did. She was also bossy and we ended up doing what she wanted to do, as I didn't want to make things worse.

I had never ever seen this side of her before and it got worse and worse through the week, and she also went very quiet and some of our meals out were eaten in silence, whereas everyone around us was chatting. Maybe she found me irritating, which is why she went quiet. I have never felt the same about her and was so relieved when that holdiay was over. We send b'day and c'mas cards, the odd e mail and say things like "we must meet up" but we never do, so I think she feels the same way as me, but it is sad because we helped each other through rough patches and confided in each other.

Sorry I have gone on so long - back to you - do you have to swap children for a half day because of work committments - if not I wondered why you had made this arrangement. You say you and her have friends in common and go out in a group so she will be diluted in that situation won't she. I am sure if you go lukewarm she will eventually get the message.

NettoSuperstar Wed 31-Aug-11 15:17:44

I ditched a friend recently who had also helped me a great deal, but I realised she'd preyed on me being vulnerable, and used that to control me.

I'd be here all day if I went into details but it's. been 5 weeks since I saw her and I hope I never see her again.

LineRunner Wed 31-Aug-11 15:18:04

Yes, this has happened to me. I have a friend who bent over backwards to help me in a time of need, and in the end I had to stop her doing so much for me by basically distancing myself from her.

Everyone says how warm-hearted this person is; yet I found myself after a while feeling uncomfortable with her. A simple coffee out always seemed to lead to a mini-confrontation between her and the waiter; a meal would be a drama of ingredients; and there were often comments about people's ethnicity that seemed a bit 'off' to me. I do admire poeple who are assertive and I believe in people's freedom to express their views; but, in the end, I was just not that into her.

Sad, but that's life.

I will make sure I pay her back for her kindness, though. One day I will be able to do her a favour and I'll make sure that it's done.

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