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My husbands thinks I'm being inconsiderate!?

(97 Posts)
Rose33 Tue 30-Aug-11 22:31:50

My husband has been critizing me constantly for days now and its getting worse. He started shouting at me tonight because I put drinking glasses in the dishwasher (we normally hand wash these to keep them in good condition). I told him I decided to put them in the dish washer just this once because I had alot of housekeeping and I really don't think its an issue.

But he started raising his voice and told me he was angry generally because he feels like I'm not considering his opinions & feelings & wishes. Over the last few days he's been moaning about certain food I bought. (I told him I didn't know that he wanted things in particular & he needs to tell me).

I can't believe he feels like this. I'm always considerate to him and the children. In fact, I feel I'm too considerate. I never have my 'own' time. I never complain. I do all the house work and look after the kids. While he'll happily go out once in a while. He has been having a hard time at work and I try to be supportive.

Since we've had kids, He has become more controlling and will raise his voice to get what he wants generally. I've tried to deal with it as best as I can. He is 9 years older than me and earns all the money now so i feel very unequal in the relationship. When I tried to tell him that I'm feeling constantly critized, and pointed out that I don't critize him if he makes mistakes & wastes money, he got even more cross. We also work togther and he is critizing me about what I do at work. He has said he wants me to leave work and get another job as I'm not good at it. He said he'll stop paying me at the end of this month and I'll have to find another job.

He is being a bully but this will escalate if i point it out! Any ideas on how to deal with this will be gratefuly received. I'm feeling very stressed and the kids were upset as they heard him shout too.

Thanks!

thisisyesterday Tue 30-Aug-11 22:37:06

i would deal with it by moving myself and the children out.

sorry. he sound like a pig

blackeyedsusan Tue 30-Aug-11 22:38:23

he will stop paying you? from a joint business?

how does he control you ?

doing all the housework and child care is a sign of abuse. doesn't sound good.

DontGoCurly Tue 30-Aug-11 22:45:04

Read him the riot act. Stop being so acquiescent.
You're being too submissive. He sees that as a form of weakness and therefore is using you as a scratching post to take out his frustration on. Don't reward his behaviour by pandering to it. Tell him to fuck off with himself.

I'm always considerate to him and the children. In fact, I feel I'm too considerate. I never have my 'own' time. I never complain. I do all the house work and look after the kids. While he'll happily go out once in a while. He has been having a hard time at work and I try to be supportive.

You never complain? So he thinks everything is fine. He places no value on your efforts. He's ungrateful.

You're being supportive, but he's not being supportive to you is he? So stop being all nice and supportive to him. Support is given to those who deserve it. Not abusive, ungrateful pricks.

warthog Tue 30-Aug-11 22:50:07

he sounds dreadful.

i think the first thing you should do is get another job and then start demanding some respect. stop doing all the things for him you currently do and get him to appreciate you more.

in short:

grow some balls.

babyhammock Tue 30-Aug-11 22:52:37

'He has said he wants me to leave work and get another job as I'm not good at it. He said he'll stop paying me at the end of this month and I'll have to find another job.'
He's being very abusive to you.
Ok tell him he can cook his own tea from now on and if he wants the glasses handwashed he can do it himself. Do nothing for him...seriously. You can't let him keep treating you like that else there will be nothing of you left.

AS for saying you're not good at your job, what a thing to say to your wife. So what's he good at.. making everyone's life a misery by the sounds of it.
Grrrrrrr

pickgo Tue 30-Aug-11 23:00:10

I should think getting another job would be absolutely the best thing for you OP. It would give you time away from what sounds to be a very abusive man, some financial independence (I'd be saving for a exit fund just in case) and a source of self-esteem to counter what must be a very waring relationship.

What gives him the right to speak to you and treat you like this? Who put him in charge? You deserve respect from an equal partner, not a 'boss' at home and work. I'm angry for you.

Fairenuff Tue 30-Aug-11 23:15:28

Tell him if he can't discuss things with you like an adult, you're not prepared to listen.

Then when he shouts stick your fingers in yours ear and sing la la la I can't hear you.

Seriously, if he behaves like an tantrumming toddler, treat him like one, until he learns to repsect you.

Rose33 Tue 30-Aug-11 23:20:14

Thanks for all your messages. Some even made me smile & cheered me up!

The thing is, if I retailiate by not cooking his meals etc then he'll just say what he normally does - 'lets get a divorce'. We spent £2,000 last time we started this process. Although he promised he wouldn't do this again!

I think i'll calmly raise the above issue's with him and see if it helps. Although, he is stubborn so don't think it will get me anywhere!

pickgo Tue 30-Aug-11 23:22:47

Well, if he's promised not to start divorce proceedings again then why don't you stop cooperating with him?

Why do you want to stay in this relationship? It sounds like an awful example for your DCs?

budgieshell Tue 30-Aug-11 23:31:02

It sound like he wants a divorce and is trying to wind you up so you will get the ball rolling this time. Think about what you want and can you be happy with this man in the future. Be very carefull, get some advice and I hope it all works out for you and your children.

Rose33 Tue 30-Aug-11 23:35:26

Well right now I don't want to stay in this relationship. But otherwise, generally he's a lovely, caring husband, great with the kids too. Good provider etc Just sometimes he just flips into this mood / rage. His mum also suffers with this rage attacks. I've been told by his other family members it runs in his family.

I try to deal with it my ignoring it and when things have calmed down, i'll talk to him about my point of view. If I do it in a non confronational way, he'll normally take it on board. I will remind him how lucky he is to have me as there are plenty of women that would have left by now! It's really hard to keep my cool when he starts an argument. So I decided to poor out my frustrations here!

I don't really want a divorce... I took / still take my vows seriously. The marriage is a happy one apart from these occassional rows which he starts.

HedleyLamarr Tue 30-Aug-11 23:37:31

Rose33 Tue 30-Aug-11 23:20:14

Thanks for all your messages. Some even made me smile & cheered me up!

The thing is, if I retailiate by not cooking his meals etc then he'll just say what he normally does - 'lets get a divorce'. We spent £2,000 last time we started this process. Although he promised he wouldn't do this again!

In which case the only loser will be him. He loses control over you, and you win mental and physical freedom. Just make sure you keep notes of this type of conversation to give to your solicitor. Good luck whatever you decide to do.

babyhammock Tue 30-Aug-11 23:38:25

The thing is, if I retailiate by not cooking his meals etc then he'll just say what he normally does - 'lets get a divorce'.
To which you reply 'good idea you moron love'
I bet if he thinks you're serious he'll start being all 'nice'. That said does he do 'nice'. If he does, and I'm guessing it will be very alien to you and therefore quite disconcerting, please don't get taken in by it...

pickgo Tue 30-Aug-11 23:50:41

I remember when the marriage vows really troubled me. My minister advised me to pray and ask whether a loving God would hold you to vows that were allowing you to be abused. I think the minister would have packed my bags for me if I'd have let him!

It's all very well saying this 'rage' runs in his family, but what is he doing about it to stop it? He needs to take responsibility for it and seek professional help. Have you ever suggested that to him?

Fairenuff Wed 31-Aug-11 00:19:29

If he suffers from 'rage' and this is causing a problem then he should first acknowledge it and then get help. He could have anger management, CBT, learn coping strategies, take up meditation, remove himself before he gets too angry. He needs to be told that it's not acceptable to keep repeating this behaviour.

However if he critisises you fairly regularly at home and 'at work' this is not rage. You need to decide what behaviour you are prepared to accept and what you wont and then tell him. If it's divorce then so be it. That's not your choice. If he's not prepared to be serious about changing his behaviour you have to either accept it or leave.

EvenLessNarkyPuffin Wed 31-Aug-11 00:26:48

I don't understand. You said 'he earns all the money now' but that you work with him.

HerHissyness Wed 31-Aug-11 00:32:39

Rage runs in the family?

What a load of old WOOF!

BAD BEHAVIOUR runs in his family, learned manipulation, controlling behaviour and BULLYING run in HIS family.

He doesn't have an anger management problem, he has a problem managing his anger with YOU, or with any other minion that dares cross him.

He wants you to leave work, cos you are no good at it? angry You do know you can take him to tribunal! You have rights as an employee! He can't fire you like that!

Last time you stopped cooking he started divorce proceedings????? What the actual F????? shock angry

PLEASE! Don't just stand there and let him pull you from pillar to post, beating you down further and further and further. GET THE SODDING DIVORCE! he's only threatening you with it to get you to back down and get back to 'your place' Let HIM pay for it, take half the business, half the house and let him reap what that nasty toad sows.

if you do anything at all this week, PLEASE go and speak to the CAB, please tell them everything and ask them for their input on all the issues you are having.

Work out what you would be entitled to, both in a settlement and from the welfare state.

This guy deserves taking to the cleaners, really he does.

Rose33 Wed 31-Aug-11 07:30:36

I'm going to start looking for a job straight away. Is there any advice on jobs that are better for mums with young children. I would like to be around during school holidays.

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 31-Aug-11 07:49:24

rose,

re your comment:-
"Well right now I don't want to stay in this relationship. But otherwise, generally he's a lovely, caring husband, great with the kids too. Good provider etc Just sometimes he just flips into this mood / rage. His mum also suffers with this rage attacks. I've been told by his other family members it runs in his family"

Rose, you do realise that what you have written above is the usual default position for all emotionally abused wives. He is NOT great with the kids; he is also imparting damaging lessons to them. They hear him shout and feel both upset and confused; they think its all their bloody fault. You also don't want to stay within this relationship but its somehow okay for the children to see all this. Balls as well to your notion of him being a caring H; all his actions to date are not those of a caring and considerate man.

Controlling and dysfunctional behaviours run in his family; he chooses to act like he does also because he can and you allow it to happen to you (also a learnt behaviour?). A dominator of a man and a weak willed woman are a bad combination for any children who are unfortunate participants to all this; what on earth are you both teching your children about relationships here?.

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 31-Aug-11 07:53:51

Rose

You have taken your marriage vows seriously and that is to your credit but you are not a slave to them. He has not and will not. You have probably already tried talking calmly to him about all this, he patently does not want to listen and all that you have tried to date has not worked.

Please do yourself and your children a favour and make plans to leave him for good.

Do you honestly see yourself still with him in say a year's time?. Do you see yourself getting old with him?

PattySimcox Wed 31-Aug-11 08:00:02

Rose if this supposed rage runs in the family, do you want your DCs turning out like this?

You and they deserve better

MrsTittleMouse Wed 31-Aug-11 08:03:02

If he is prone to "rage" then I would be cautious about how you go about leaving him (if that is what you decide). There are other posters on here who are better informed, but aren't there charities (Womens' Aid?) who can advise the safest way to get out without risking him getting very angry and possibly resorting to violence.

The "rage" thing sounds very scary to me. sad

garlicnutter Wed 31-Aug-11 13:02:22

I agree that you and your DC would be saner, safer and happier if you were not married to this bully.
I agree it's an excellent idea to find another job.
I agree, agree, agree, that you will find a conversation with Womens Aid most instructive! You might also try ringing Respect, the body that advises abusive men. See if they recognise him.

In the meantime, I'd like to suggest that "rising above it" doesn'#t mean ignoring it exactly. Can you manage to acknowledge his rage, while treating it more or less as you'd treat a bad thunderstorm? It's unpleasant and inconvenient; you stay out of it if possible; you don't think of it as in any way caused by you - it just happens, doesn't it?

I wonder how it will be if you go "Yes, dear, I can see you're cross. Now please go away until you've finished shouting." Or, "Dear me, what a racket! I'll be in the garden if you want me after you've finished." Have you tried it yet?

garlicnutter Wed 31-Aug-11 13:04:27

Oh, and read this book: "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft.

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