Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 4

(999 Posts)
MadameOvary Tue 30-Aug-11 15:31:15

Hello everyone - end of last thread kind of took us by surprise!
Will copy in links etc

MadameOvary Tue 30-Aug-11 15:34:42

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a diagnosable condition on the continuum of Personality Disorders. Few Narcissists are diagnosed, however: a person must either present themselves for treatment or be sectioned to ensure diagnosis. Narcissists are very clever, they generally avoid compulsory referral. Narcissists believe They Are Right & Everybody Else Is Wrong; they will never seek treatment as they find themselves perfectly fine!

Common misconceptions:

[1] You can't call someone NPD if they haven't a diagnosis. Diagnosis is unlikely for the reasons above. Even Narcissists agree it's reasonable to determine a personality type as NPD (see links in first post). If you are in a relationship with a Narc, you don't need to be a clinician to know.

[2] He's got Aspergers or BPD, or is just a bit shit at dealing with people. Really? The obvious question is: why would you want to devote your life to someone like this? On a more technical note: emerging evidence, via biopsychology, suggests that Asperger and NPD brains exhibit similar differences from the average brain. And BPD is the baseline for all other Personality Disorders.

[3] S/He isn't "bad", they're just very hurt. Yes, they are very hurt. The more insight you gain into this spectrum, the more pain you feel for the sufferer. If you have a Narc parent, it's almost a given that you've gained tremendous insight - it was a necessity for your survival. The important thing is, YOU are not the same or you wouldn't be reading this. And understanding does NOT mean you can fix it.

[4] S/He just needs loving care. Yes, they do. They need it like a junkie needs heroin. You can keep on giving, they'll keep on taking and it will never be enough to satisfy them. Never. They'll suck you dry (emotional 'vampire') and then they'll rip you to shreds, just because you 'ran dry'.

[5] I get that s/he's abusive, but why say they've got a Personality Disorder? There's a spectrum of disorders: some are more 'needy'; some more 'domineering'; some are just fucking strange. At bottom, they're no more or less than deviations from the average. Nobody would choose a disordered realtionship unless they suffer from a need to be their partner's therapist. If this is you, try reading some of the links below.

MadameOvary Tue 30-Aug-11 15:36:12

Am I being abused?:

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Types of Abuse & Control Simplistic, but could be just what you need!
Wikipedia on Domestic Violence/Abuse Long, but informative.
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.

MadameOvary Tue 30-Aug-11 15:36:41

Oops sorry - links dont copy! blush

MadameOvary Tue 30-Aug-11 16:03:10

Try again:

verbal abuse
emotional abuse
Emotional abuse
types of abuse and control
Wikipedia definitions
[[ Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence" This is also, broadly, the police definition

MadameOvary Tue 30-Aug-11 16:03:50

Women's Aid

MadameOvary Tue 30-Aug-11 16:04:47


"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie
"How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.

Mouseface Tue 30-Aug-11 16:25:18

Just marking my place.

Hello Madam smile xx

LaRagazzaInglese Tue 30-Aug-11 16:29:27

So anyway whilst pipsqueak's asleep, and HE's watching DOND I'll add a bit more, I can see how this is going to go!
He used to apologise, he's very up and down and split personality (bipolar disorder?) he smokes cannabis everyday and has for the last 20 yrs, so when he smokes he returns back to normal, still very depressed but not nasty, and also very remorseful. Now he's just nasty all the time, just before bed he calms down a bit and has a normal conversation and seems regretful but it ends up as an argument of course.
I just asked him what he wants from the supermarket - he said "I just want to die" oh and the other day I offered him a sandwich and he said "why don't you kill yourself?" pah! what the hell am I supposed to do with him?
Baby's awake gotta go!
Thanks for reading btw

helpmeMN Tue 30-Aug-11 16:40:42

eek. so I told him I want out. he's been really reasonable, which makes me feel FUCKING guilty, but I also have a kernel of excitement. He's gone out for a walk. I don't know what state he'll come back in. He's not that surprised. He started off blaming me for being offish and pulling away and he precipitated the conversation (which I was going to wait until I was ready for, but do feel like it's unfair knowing and not telling him - remember my situation isn't as horrific/threatening as the others on here). Wow. Is this really it? What is reality? Fuck. Totally surreal. It would be the 10th anniversary of us getting together tomorrow. I cried, he didn't, btw.

incoherent and rambling as ever. worried I'm going to feel completely at sea and lonely now.

girls have been here all the time playing quietly in their room!

shit, I don't know what to do. I have such a strong compulsion to/habit of comfort(ing) him but I'm not the person now, am I?

shock sad shock

Misspixietrix Tue 30-Aug-11 16:41:30

<Marks place, sits with feet up and a cuppa and locks any sharp objects out the way before i'm tempted>, omg! Please tell me these men are absolute arse faces not real! Just had a blazing row with stbx as he thought it was ok to skip the rent this week so he could go on a road trip that would cost 2x as much with his "friends"!! Physically took the money off him before he carried on with such a stupid idea! Just reminds me all the more why it's essential I carry on saving for our own place! sighs

helpmeMN Tue 30-Aug-11 16:42:07

this is all moving fast. but not. but feels totally weird. I had such a strong urge to tell him I'd try again, to do what he wants, but now he's gone I KNOW it's not what I want. I have to just subdue that part that thinks for him and puts him first. It will do no-one any good in the long run, especially me.

thisishowifeel Tue 30-Aug-11 16:52:00

Just had my first visit from my "floating support worker".

It still all feels very weird and strange. I wish I could pin myself down a bit. Someone asked if I was still with him. No I'm not, I made him take his PC and go the day we got back from Spain. I didn't realise but it's four weeks this week. That's what I mean, I don't really quite know what day it is yet.

Traumatised she said, which is probably correct.

I remember feeling a bit like this when I was regularly on the Stately home's thread....David Bowie came to mind.."Here am I sitting on my tin can, far from the world..planet earth is blue and there's nothing I can do"

helpmeMN Tue 30-Aug-11 16:59:07

he's still away. I hope he's talking to someone. I'm too sympathetic to be on this thread, right? I don't hate him enough. Feel like 'god have I really done this?' but also a real sense that it's right for me. I'm only worried about him.

MadameOvary Tue 30-Aug-11 16:59:10

Websites that can help you understand your situation and be the first step in your recovery:

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships. A UK site, but sounds very American.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.

helpmeMN Tue 30-Aug-11 17:10:09

LaRagazza it sounds like he needs real help, as you do. No-one should have to live with that. What's your situation re kids, finances etc.?

helpmeMN Tue 30-Aug-11 17:11:30

I'm a bit like ARGH if he fit the pattern properly he would have kicked up a massive fight, wouldn't he? But I know it's right for me. I thought for a wonderful second he was going to say 'I feel the same' - he didn't, but the fact I was excited tells me everything I need to know.

I hope he's OK. sad

helpmeMN Tue 30-Aug-11 17:11:50

(me me me me me) blush

barbiegrows Tue 30-Aug-11 17:16:38

Seems like it's game over for a few of us at the moment - I spoke to a solicitor this morning and it seems things are fairly clear cut and all I have to do is... separate myself from him more physically, she suggested separate bedrooms, separating 'stuff'.

She advised me to stay in the house if I can. The solicitor was very much about going for common sense, not fighting battles. She didn't seem to want to bring the EA incidents into it, it's a DV centre and so my incidents aren't particularly dramatic. Not that I am excusing him, but I guess it would be almost pointless to rely on them in a court situation. However she said I should go to mediation first and take it from there.

Question - should I wait until he has another job lined up (redundancy from secure job is starting October) or should I tell him now?

barbiegrows Tue 30-Aug-11 17:19:25

hugs to you helpme. You must be feeling frantic by now. Be careful what you say to him, he may be considering very carefully what he can say to you to make you fall into his trap again. You can be kind though, there's nothing wrong with that, just be business like.

barbiegrows Tue 30-Aug-11 17:21:27

You said you felt excited - listen to that feeling. It's there for a reason. x

ThereGoesTheFear Tue 30-Aug-11 18:47:05

Hi Ragazza. Your relationship sounds intolerable. Which wise soul amongst us said something like "we're all in the same prison, it's just that the walls look different." (Apologies to whoever I just badly paraphrased.)

Strength to you Barbie, helpmeMN and thisishowIfeel. I found leaving my H a bit like childbirth: pretty painful, but inevitable, and so, so worth it.

I am sporadically giggling at the thought of cake forks and ticket punches. People in RL will be getting worried with good reason.

cathkidstonbag Tue 30-Aug-11 19:04:52

Wonders if the far side of fuck is a bit like the island in Lost. Smoke monsters, polar bears, strange experiments. But they can never leave the island (cue slightly manic evil laugh).
Hate this time of evening, the anticipation grows as to what kind of evening it will be. It's like Christmas Eve - if Santa was a really miserable old got who liked to make the world miserable ....

cathkidstonbag Tue 30-Aug-11 19:05:38

Old git that should say - stupid iPhone!

MadameOvary Tue 30-Aug-11 19:14:40

HelpMeMN - that little spark of excitement is what you truly want. Nurture it and let it grow.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: