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Commitment-phobe or are we not right for each other?

(16 Posts)
scaredofcommitment Tue 30-Aug-11 10:15:38

Hello, I’m a 31 year old male and have had one major relationship which lasted from when I was 21 through to 28. It didn’t end through any big reason, but I think we just grew apart. I do partially relate it though to when I was around 27, me and my ex-partner moved for work to a small town a long way from out friends and family, and we felt isolated and we started to argue more and more, my partner was depressed for a while and we eventually fell out of love.

Fast forward to now. I’ve been seeing a partner for a year who would like me to move in with her. Trouble is, she lives 35 miles from my work in a small town and I fear the same situation – being isolated in a small town, away from my friends in the city I live in. My partner, understandably, wants me to move in and sees it as a sign of my commitment and I’m stalling. The question arises is whether I’m being a man-child, scared of commitment, or whether there’s something deeper that makes me sense we’re not right for each other.

I know that ultimately only I can really answer this one, but I’d welcome a female perspective.

overmydeadbody Tue 30-Aug-11 10:20:16

Could she not move in with you, so you don't have to move out of your city and away from your friends?

diddl Tue 30-Aug-11 10:21:05

Well you can always make new friends/still keep contact with old ones.

I can only give my perspective which was when I married & moved away-an hr from "home town", my only thought was being with my husband-friends & family didn´t come into it tbh.

dreamingbohemian Tue 30-Aug-11 10:22:21

Would you move in with her if she lived in the city?

I think it's perfectly reasonable to not move in with someone because you don't like where they live (I say this as a die-hard city girl though). I don't think it's fair for her to see it as a test of your commitment if the only issue really is that you don't like where she lives.

But is that truly the only issue?

overmydeadbody Tue 30-Aug-11 10:23:13

How do you feel anout her in general? Do you imagine spending the rest of your life with her? Do you want to grow old with her? Or does the idea of that scare you?

Does she make you happier and more content with your life? Or does she put an exta strain on it?

overmydeadbody Tue 30-Aug-11 10:28:14

If the only issue is where she lives that is a monir issue that can easily be sorted out. You can both move in together somewhere else, like in your city.

scaredofcommitment Tue 30-Aug-11 10:41:36

Thanks for your replies. My partner is fairly fixed in her job, and as it involves night shifts, we both agreed it would be unfair for her to have to drive 35 miles after a nightshift, and therefore moving to her place makes more logical sense.

If she lived in the same city, I'd certainly feel a lot happier about the thought of moving in.

As to whether there are any other issues, we get on well, we share interests, she makes me laugh. She's a vegetarian and I'm not, and she prefers dogs to cats (I like cats), but they're not big issues. As to whether she's the love of my life, well, I don't know if I'm honest.


"Does she make you happier and more content with your life? Or does she put an exta strain on it?"

When things are going well, we're not thinking, and having fun, yes, she does make me happier. Recently though, we've been arguing more about commitment, and her desire for me to move in has become something that is causing a strain. This is where I wonder whether I should just bite the bullet. She would like children and doesn't want to be messed around with for years, so I can see her point.

diddl Tue 30-Aug-11 10:44:02

Are you making excuses?

Because it seems to me that if you wanted to move in you would & if you really couldn´t get on in her town, you would move somewhere else together.

scaredofcommitment Tue 30-Aug-11 10:53:46

I don't know if I'm making excuses. DP is a doctor, and therefore until she finishes training, she has quite a fixed work schedule and needs to be close to certain hospitals, so she unfortunately can't move (or would find it very difficult).

Diddl, I do take and accept your viewpoint - if it was right, one would move anywhere to be with someone

dreamingbohemian Tue 30-Aug-11 10:53:50

Oh gosh, I don't think you should move in together if it means you'd be 'biting the bullet'. It is a really big commitment and if you can't do it enthusiastically then it's probably not a good idea.

I think you need to do what's right for you, and what is least likely to cause problems in the long term, even if that means disappointing your partner at the present time. She is not unreasonable to want to move in together, but if you are not sure or not ready then she needs to accept that and not give you a hard time about it or question your commitment. One year together is not that long.

Tbh from the way you describe her and your relationship, you don't sound overly excited about it all. I really think you should wait.

overmydeadbody Tue 30-Aug-11 11:05:25

I agree with dreamin, you don't sound excited really.

Don't rush into moving in with your GF just because she is putting lots of pressure on you.

Do you want children too? And, do you want children with her?

Ephiny Tue 30-Aug-11 11:17:48

You do sound a bit ambivalent about her and about the relationship. This doesn't make you a bad person or a committment-phobe or manchild or whatever - in fact it's good that you're thinking about this now.

But - I can't help thinking that she deserves better, someone who enthusiastically wants to commit to her, have a home and a family with her etc, not someone who reluctantly goes along with it or sees it as 'biting the bullet'.

All I can advise really is to be honest with her, if you're not sure about committment etc yet, or not ready to make those kinds of decisions (after all it's only been a year), then tell her. Then it's her decision whether she wants to wait for you to be ready, or not. Don't string her along thinking the relationship is something it's not, or has a future it probably doesn't. Definitely don't be pushed into moving in or anything else if you're having doubts about it - that is unlikely to end happily for either of you.

scaredofcommitment Tue 30-Aug-11 11:48:23

thanks for your responses. I think the answer is staring me in the face. I can't move in if it doesn't feel right and all I can do is tell my partner the truth. That doesn't mean our relationship is wrong.

dreamingbohemian Tue 30-Aug-11 13:02:00

Exactly. All you can do is be honest, it's up to her what she chooses to do with that information (ie wait and see what happens or call time now).

The most important thing to do is not to string her along, but being honest about what you want is not stringing along.

Good luck!

diddl Tue 30-Aug-11 13:31:34

No you can´t move in if it doesn´t feel right.

But does that mean it might be right in a few months or that it never will be?

Could be that you don´t want to commit to her yet/ever.

Sometimes I think that relationships are based on who you happen to be with at the time you want to settle down as much as wanting to settle with the person you are seeing.

LesserOfTwoWeevils Tue 30-Aug-11 14:01:30

Have you posted about this before?

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