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its all a bit pants really.

(12 Posts)
stayforthekids1 Tue 30-Aug-11 09:47:25

Today, is a down day. I feel shit. So I thought I would come to glorious mumsnet to be given a good virtual slap grin.

So much has happened in the last two months, my head is just in bits. Separated from my husband. Single mum now to 4 dc, aged 1, 2, 5 and 6. All of them are so much hard work just now. The 1 and 2 year old have reached the tantrum, fighting stage and seem to scream most of the time. The 2 year old is jealous of the 1 year old. The 5 year old is fine for me, but seems to be misbehaving a lot for other people. The 6 year old, the separation seems to have hit her now and she has become very demanding (I want this, I want that with waterworks for guilt effect) disobedient, lying and generally a handful. I am trying so hard to give them all the one on one attention they need but most days I am sooo stressed with sorting them all out for school runs, housework, cooking...all that jazz.

I have been ill for the last four weeks, first with a very bad UTI, ended up on very strong antibiotics because it went to my kidneys and the antibiotics played havoc with me. Eventually got over it and have come straight back down with cold/flu type thing. I am now down to eight stone, having lost nearly two stone in two months.

My grandad, whom I am close grandparents practically brought us up, they lived next door and were a huge part of my upbringing....had a stroke out of the blue and is now in hospital. It could be months before he is out and I am worried my beloved gran will end up having to go into a home...he is her carer.

I feel guilty about my ex. All his family live 600 miles away, he doesnt really have any friends. I still care about him as the father to my children and selfishly up until recently havent even really thought about how life must be for him now. I have started wondering if maybe I should ask him back...but I know it would be wrong. i wouldnt want him back to be with me, I would want him back for the sake of having someone to share the load with. I would be using him.

I stupidly got myself involved with someone I shouldnt have and feel like a total fool.

Smoking like a chimney, drinking wine every night (though not getting drunk I may add) have zilch appetite and feel like just lying on the floor and giving up.

Now....big poor me self pitying post out the way...can someone help make me pull myself together? I feel like a child. I am acting like a child. The first few weeks into separation, I was on top of the world. Managing everything, coping just fine. Now I feel like I am falling apart. Help help.

MrsSatsuma Tue 30-Aug-11 10:08:19

You poor thing. I don't really feel qualified to offer any advice but didn't want to read and run. It sounds like you've had a hell of a lot to deal with - no wonder you're frazzled!! Dealing with 4 kids at any time is hard work, let alone with everything else you've had. Are they fed, clothed, and loved? If so, I think you need to give yourself a break. Have you got any friends or family that could take the kids while you do something for yourself? Even if they just watch them while go for a walk or have a soak in the bath. It's very selfless that you're worrying about your ex but he's big enough to look after himself and you have enough on your plate. Be a bit more selfish - not in a horrible way, just make sure you take care of yourself. You're probably doing a far better job than you give yourself credit for.

stayforthekids1 Tue 30-Aug-11 10:17:20

the kids are all fine in the pysichal sense, its the emotional side. I work two nights a week too, which I dont want to give up as it gives me that little bit of adult life, but I am so worried I am not doing a good enough job on the emotional side. I hug them, I kiss them, I tell them I love them...but I am so changable just now. I can be fine, then suddenly very stressed again and go from calm loving mum, to shouty stressed mum. My mum and my ex tend to take the kids at the weekend, but I work fri/sat nights, so tend to be totally knackard, there isnt a lot of time left to get some time for myself if that makes sense.

I just feel soooo confused about everything. Out of my depth.

MrsSatsuma Tue 30-Aug-11 16:31:24

I'm bumping this in the hope someone can offer better advice than me!

lovesmybed Tue 30-Aug-11 16:40:45

You need to take time away from them (easier said than done I know)
Could you admit to a friend how you are feeling and get them to babysit. Then you could go out with other friends, shopping or swimming???
If this isn't possible stick a dvd on for the older ones, give them a big bag of sweets and you go and have a nice hot bath with a glass of wine.
You know what its like with kids and you do tend to have flareups where they are driving you crazy and you feel like you can't cope anymore. It is just a phase and will get better.
You sound a lot like how I used to be I used to over analyse things I had said to the kids, how much I shouted at them and get stressed about it. This isn't helpful. Think about all the nice things you do for them, how lucky they are to have you and you will start to feel better and more positive.
I think you sound like you are doing a great job in difficult circumstances. Good luck x

janajos Tue 30-Aug-11 18:48:26

What does your ex say about the situation. You sound as if you regret your affair? Is there still room to talk?

stayforthekids1 Tue 30-Aug-11 19:14:25

I didnt have an affair. I was separated.

GabrieleJ Tue 30-Aug-11 20:35:04

Give yourself a break don't over analyse l think. I can't imagine how much you've got on your plate. Sounds like you're more then coping..

It will get better, everyone has patches that make them feel bit crap and it does get better...

I'm sorry I'm not much help...

Good luck

joblot Tue 30-Aug-11 20:36:28

4 kids and a job? You must be worn out, no time to think straight. I agree with getting some time to yourself, somehow, could their dad oblige? Seems only fair. It's terribly hard hurting another person but it has to be done. Sometimes a relationship just doesn't work, we've all been there.
Try to do as much as you can that you enjoy- its a cliche but it lifts the spirits and makes life better for everyone

stayforthekids1 Wed 31-Aug-11 13:45:54

thanks folks, temporary blip, back to my usual self the day smile

Fairenuff Wed 31-Aug-11 15:40:41

Get organised! Not saying you're not but make a huge timetable and get into routines. What time are all the dcs asleep in the evening? Could you make space for a little down time then? Get everything ready for school the day before. Get the 2 eldest to help with small jobs and give them sticker charts to reward them. Do your supermarket shop online if you can. If you manage to make time for yourself, take it! Accept all offers of help and don't be afraid to ask your friends. Don't expect or try to be 'perfect'. When it's all too much tell the older kids to 'hide' from you and then before you 'look' for them take some time to breathe grin

stayforthekids1 Wed 31-Aug-11 19:49:09

I have organisation grin all my kids are in bed for 7 and up for 7. Have been since they were 3 months old. I get everything ready for school the night before. The two eldest they hoover the stairs for me with the handheld hoover, tidy their own room, help me tidy the lounge and generally do a few bits and pieces like getting nappies out for me and putting things in the bin and so on. I shop online. I think it was just that because I was feeling so ill I let things slide a bit and because I am normally so routine, it seemed like a really big deal!

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