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confused after DHs affair

(5 Posts)
imawigglyworm Mon 29-Aug-11 22:53:04

recently found out DH had been cheating on me for 4 months. And my heads all over the place.
He took the OWs phone number at his works xmas party (not someone he works with) but didnt text her for about a month -she sent inital text & he replied. She didnt initially know DH was married, they text for a few months as friends, the turned into sex texts and then decided to meet for sex. At some point he told her he was married and she was also in a relationship. The affair has now stopped but only because I caught him out, he has admitted that if I didnt catch him out he would probably still be sleeping with her but said he would of never left me and kids.
Ive only knnown for a few weeks so know its early days. He is still living here to keep things normal for the kids and i'd rather know where he is IYSWIM.

He is doing all he can to make it work helping with kids, around the house etc- all the things he wasnt doing before. But he wont talk to me about it now. He just saying thinking about it makes him feel sick. If I ask him anything he will give a quick answer the change the subject. Or asks if Iwant him to leave.
His mum said to me today that maybe he feels hes had the affair and now its over he thinks its all dealt with in his head. Which I agree with.
Ive been looking into getting counselling but if he wont talk to me at home I feel theres no point going down that route, he might as well just go now.

I have so many questions I want to ask but think that I dont actually want to know the answers or that it might be best not to know, if that makes sense.

I dont know if theres a future for us or not my heads all over the place.

Hes hurt me so badly I never thought he would ever do this to me or the kids no matter how bad things were between us.

To me it mostly sounds like it was just about the sex, but on the smae note he told her he loved her and he misses her smile,he told me my smile is what attracted me to him when he first saw me so for DH to say that to her REALLY hurts as it was our thing.

I also know she was a lot slimmer than me so has now stirred up issues with my figure, appearance etc.

Im trying to keep my head up for the kids but its so hard I dont know where to turn.

MadAboutHotChoc Tue 30-Aug-11 09:55:07

It is important that your H understands your need to know what happened, how and why. The problem with brushing it all under the carpet is that both of you will find it much harder to recover properly - the below link is a very good article that explains why we need to know the main details:
http://www.beyondaffairs.com/articles/need_to_know.htm

I found reading Shirley Glass's Not Just Friends helpful:
http://www.shirleyglass.com/reflect_infidelity.htm

mo3d Tue 30-Aug-11 21:22:29

He does need to talk to you but, a word of advise if he does, think very carefully about what you ask and decide in your head if you REALLY want to know the answer.

I speak from experience. My H had an affair, and he answered all my questions. A year on, there are some i wish i hadn't asked.

You have my sympathies for your situation. I know it won't help you, but I'm still struggling to come to terms with his affair. His went on for nearly 3 years, and I only found out about it cause I got a phone call from her early one sunday morning.

I'm still not sure if we will make it or not but I consider it worth a try.

Good luck.

imawigglyworm Mon 05-Sep-11 11:38:07

Thank you both, have looked at that website mad and that letter helped me explain to DH how I was feeling and why I needed andswers.
mo3d Sorry to hear about you H too. I know what you mean about certain questions. I have some in my head but then I do wonder if it will help things to know the answers or not....its so hard.
he still isnt dicussing things yet and tbh ive had enough of it! He said he would do anything to make things right and while hes helping round the house more and with the kids, I still need to discuss things.
I asked why he isnt talking about it and he said that we seemed to be getting alnog fine now so didnt see the point. Which IMO is him taking the easy way out and made me really angry with him.
He done this to us so he SHOULD be doing all he can to help sort it whether its hard or not.
I still dont know if we have a future tbh. BUt if he doesnt talk soon then he might as well go. I dont see the poiint in any sort of councilling if he ownt talk to just me, it seems like a waste of money.

tryinmybest Mon 05-Sep-11 14:21:14

I found out about 4 weeks ago. Mo3d is right, I bombarded him with questions and some I wished I hadnt asked.
However I believe he has been honest with me which helps. Every time we talk about it he does give me a bit more - not details ( I wanted to know where, how often etc!) but a bit more how he felt, how he coped with 2 lives and wierdly how much he hated it and wanted it to stop.
He has told me in some way he is relieved I found out. Im not sure if thats a line but I believe him! His was through work too. The problem we have now is she still e mails him telling him how devastated she is. She is married too!
Maybe your H needs to get used to the fact in his head you know before he can talk about it? I hope we can work it out and hope you can if thats what you want x I agree that if he caused the situation then he needs to see the point of talking about it. I said straight off if he wanted to stay and carry on it was up to him to help me get my head round it

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