Mum left.. upped and gone, does not want kids or me anymore.. confused?????

[SingleDad2011]

Hi all mums! Erm so I am a Dad! Do many Men post here? I really could do with the views of fellow parents and Mums especially if that is ok?

On Monday 23rd Aug, my (so called) wife went out giving no signals no nothing to tell me that she would not be returning. We.. Well me now.. have a 19 month old son, and a 5 month old daughter.. We have been married 3 years and known each other on and off since she was 17 (32 now)

Its not the first time, nor the second or third for that matter but... I reported her missing (against my better judgement!) and on the Wednesday a social worker tells me she had been found (not by the police) and saw by a... health visitor.. who deemed her fit and well! My wife told them she wanted no contact with me or kids.. I was told by the police she is classed as vulnerable and would be brought home. Didnt happen. I never knew a health visitor was qualified to give mental assessments either..

She also taken what money we had left (if you have not guessed by now.. drugs) our double pram, the wheel has came off (a social worker moaned at me I should just fix it) I had to take my daughter to an out of hours clinic as she is running a temp and runny nappies (doctor says kids that age dont notice if a parent, say a mother who gave birth to that child suddenly goes missing.. and they dont do stress according to the doctor.!)

The police! well.. I had an irate call at midnight one night complaining and threatening me saying I was wasting their time reporting her missing! Wanted to check my home, incase she was there? Like I buried her under the patio???

I just found out from a neighbour she saw her on monday evening walking not 5 seconds from our (my?) home.. 5 hours after leaving..

I am in love with her very much I have loved her from the second we met, she said she felt the same yet she has a problem with telling the truth and tends to make things up (rape, she has been raped 14 times at the last count) Oh and had cancer 5 times!

I still love her.. even after sending some very choice words via facebook (unread by her) I am at loggerheads whether (if she actually ever makes contact) to take her back. Each time in the past she promises never again and slowly I build my trust back up in her then wham happens again.. this time has hit me the hardest.. its like a big part of me is missing indeed its the kids who are keeping me from doing something stupid.. I can see lots of positives from being a single parent, I have been told I would be 100% supported in that decision, but.. always a but aint there! I still love her and want her but realise that maybe this is just not going to work.. I have sacrificed a lot to make her happy.. friends moving areas etc..

Now obviously I am not perfect! I do my fair share of stuff, I do ALL the cleaning! (she says its ocd lol) and split the cooking/washing do the shopping together, money is split 50/50 if she needs something she gets if I need I get, after the kids/house/bills are sorted.. I would be a LOT better off money wise as I would not be paying off her debts from years ago! I admit she did more of the feeds than I did but not as much as she would tell others, she blows things way out of proportions and exagerates (spelling?) a LOT!

At the moment the kids are suffering they dont know where to turn.. they are sleeping a lot but disturbed sleep. LOTS of crying and older child is acting up, not himself at all.. I think I am doing ok, house clean, washing all up to date, proper meals cooked on time every day.. clean clothes as and when.. everything as "normal" although I feel like exploding but I am trying my best for the kids..

She has been diagnosed post natal but she has always suffered depression as she was sexually abused over the course of 5 years from 10 to 15 yrs by her step father (her father was murdered when she was 8) so erm.. while its not excuse in the slightest for what she has done.. she has gone through more things than most do in a lifetime..

When she is well she is the most beutiful person in the world and I would never so much as look at another women, she is everything to me, inside and out.. but when she is not well.. she is pure evil, nasty vile pure evil.. like a totally different person.. it scares me when she is like that..

Sorry for the biblical size post please I could really do with some advice/opinions I know what I should do, I should cut her off and move on but if it was that simple I would.. she is my soul mate she is everything to me and when she is well, I am the same to her.. but this has happened too many times and now there are two young children who are not at fault in any way yet they have been near destroyed... my son has changed so much he screams if I so much as leave the room.. what should I do? I don't know if she is seeing someone I dont think so but if you think of how a women would support a drug habit.. I would class that as cheating.. she would not..

Sorry for writing this I really really need a view of a mum and another parent.. thankyou for any views?

confused.com!

[greengirl87]

im sending ((hugs)) while i am in no means qualified to give you advice (i have never experienced anything like this) I can tell you as a mother that i would never walk out and leave my child. She is my world and i really struggle to understand mothers who can do this. Although you say how much you love her, she sounds like an extremely toxic person who could have a very negetive impact on your childrens lives if she continues to walk out on them like this. My father left when i was 12 and although i understand now and have forgiven him, the abandonment issues are there for life!
I really hope you and your little ones are ok

[GypsyMoth]

So you have a social worker already? Why is that?

How far into drugs is she? Is she on meds for depression?

[OneOfTheBoys]

If you were female, we'd be telling you to run a mile. Still think that is good advice.

[BecauseImWorthIt]

From the outside, this is a very clear decision. Let her go, and make your own life for you and your DC. They don't need a mother like this, who is a drug addict who is prepared to walk out on them.

You are a lot better off without her. It may not feel like that, but what on earth would you stand to gain by having her back?

[DuelingFanjo]

is she addicted to drugs?

would she be prepared to get some help with tat?

if not then I think you are probably better off without her.

I can understand why a mum might walk out and leave her children. I have several friends who have done just that. The reasons were many but it's hard to tell from your post if drugs are the only reason.

[Bandwithering]

How do you know she hasn't been raped?

What drug is she taking?

Tbh, taking everything you say at face value I would concentrate on being a good dad. If she is taking drugs, to the point where they've become her priority/she's addicted, then I kind of think that she shouldn't live under the same roof as the children.

[cestlavielife]

keep away.
lt her ahve supervised contact with Dc if she wants it.
youhave children now - you have to put them first.
she cant or wont.
she sounds like ill/bipolar? etc - but you cannot look after her (espec if she doesnt want you to) and be there for your DC.
focus on you andyour DC
get support from family and friends.
until she truly gets help forher past life and therapy etc then she cannot be good parent to your DC. nor can you treat her illness/issues etc she needs profreesional help and only she can acess that.

so - it's just you from now on you and your DC. make life stable for them. without her.

[ledkr]

She does sound bi polar and if she is it is unfair for people on here to be judging her for leaving her children.Mental illness isnt something anyone has any control over having.
It is perfectly possible for her to live anormal life and have good relationships but she is clearly not in control of her illness and is also self medicating so for now you may need to let her get on with it whilst you concentrate on the children and accept the offers of help.
If and when she is ready to take advice and manage her illness and stop self medicating then maybe you can start again,for now tho you need to think of yourelves.
Good luck.

[harecare]

Crumbs! I'm really sorry for you all. It sounds as if you are coping OK with the children, but the uncertainty of where your wife is will affect the 3 of you. I think you should assume that your wife has left and deal with that on a day to day basis. Get some support for you and the children and make sure your social worker knows that you are coping, but it would be helpful if they could keep an eye on you.
Do you use drugs? What makes you think she would turn to prostitution? I'd be more worried for her safety than if she was cheating.
Your wife sounds as if she needs help. It sounds more like it is her past and drugs that she is running from/to, not you. Until she has sorted these things out she won't be able to help you or the children and may even be a damaging influence. You and the children could be what she needs to get better, but she obviously can't cope at the minute so it's not fair on the children to let her come home.
If you love her and believe she can change you must let her go and make it clear that she is not welcome at home until she is clean from drugs and is getting some sort of help to deal with her past issues. You can't let her come home only for her to disappear again, so I hope she has somewhere safe to go as it won't help in the long run if you let her come home even if she wants to.

[mouldyironingboard]

I'm sorry to hear what has happened.

The priority here has to be your children and their welfare as they are only babies. I don't think it would be right to have your wife living with the children until she has dealt with her drug problem. Nobody is forcing her to put that rubbish into her body and until she decides to get help there isn't much you can do. She must be extremely ill to put drugs before her children but it is her choice. Many people have had horrible or difficult childhoods but they manage to be brilliant parents. Sadly, your wife isn't one of them.

[solidgoldbrass]

It sounds as though she is too messed up to be a good partner or a good parent. Try not to think of her as evil, by the sound of it she is ill, but at the same time, right now you have to concentrate on the DC and yourself. Let SS and the HCPs help you and support you, that's what they are there for.
There is at least one other male poster on here whose XW was a violent alcoholic and he had to end the relationship and take custody of the DC, hopefully he will spot this thread and be able to offer you some more helpful advice.

[HerHissyness]

I think you need to speak to SS/Health visitor/CAB and whoever else you can to get as much support and help from wherever it's available to carry on with things the way you are.

TBH, with the way things appear to be, it would be better for you all to carry on living without her. Let her do what she has to do.

As someone already said, if you were a woman talking of her H, we'd all be shouting at her to get him the hell out of her life, that he is damaging the DC and she'd be a billion times better on her own.

The advice is exactly the same for you. You can do this, it's hard work, but not rocket science. The DC will feel better in a surprising amount of time.

We have a great array of topics here on MN, lone parenting etc, if you need help in anything, let us know and we can point you in the right direction.

You are not alone now, we can help you on here, and we can help you access RL help.

[CailinDana]

You have moved heaven and earth to help your wife and it is very very admirable. But now I think it's time to let go. You can't make a person well through sheer force of love, she's a grown adult and she's made her choice. She's put a huge amount of pressure on you and has abandoned her kids. Perhaps if you now cut her off it'll be the kick up the ass that she needs to start sorting out her life. True change can only come from her, not you. For your own sake I think it's time to accept you're going to have to do this on your own and that you're not responsible for your wife any longer. Accept all the help you can get and try to get yourself back on an even keel. You sound very capable and strong, but remember you can't do it all and it's ok to say to friends and family that you're struggling and to ask them to lend a hand.

Good luck.

[SingleDad2011]

A social worker is involved becuase every time the police are called (reported wife missing) and children are involved social services are automatically called..

WHY DO I THINK SHE IS MAKING IT UP ABOUT RAPE?????? Seriously??

would you NOT think it strange if your partner went the shop and came back in 100% same condition after 10 mins and said she was raped... repeat that 15 times.. oh and add a detective from CID saying there was no rape report one time she told me she had reported it.. it is attention seeking.. taking what you say at face value.. Id say your gullible enough to believe her when she confuses prostitution with rape through guilt.. one time she said she was raped.. she returned home in different clothes claiming her original clothes had been taken by the police for DNA.. she made a story about a rape suite.. I rang the police who CONFIRMED IT WAS LIES and besides that.. a few months later she went missing again and come home in the very same clothes she said the police had taken away from her for samples.. You can also take it at face value that I am the one who did not walk out ok? I am not thick, I would not make a statement unless it was true.. I am not some emotional basket case. A liar makes that many stories eventually they cannot keep up with the lie and mistakes are made.

CailinDana, thanks thats the kinda plain straight advice I need..


Just to clarify, she is or was as of last week stable on methadone prescription. Also takes meds for post natal. I DO NOT TAKE DRUGS.. seems wherever The D(rugs) word is mentioned people go into a pre concieved mode of close ears automatically class as not worthy of my time.

If certain people are still not convinced about what I say becuase I am male ffs for a while I was also being used as an emotional punchbag by her.. came to a head where I had to lock myself and the kids in the porch and call the police as she turned violent. Two (female) police turned up.. I told them everything, they took her away and released after 10 mins drive away no charge, if this was reversed you know I would of been locked up..

I cannot believe a women would walk out on her kids, I am a father while I did not give birth I am 50% involved with EVERYTHING else from conception to birth to nappies to everything, and I could not and would not walk away. You make a decision to have kids its your responsibility nobody elses.. unlike some who palm thier kids off at every given oppotunity becuase "its hard"

I think its vile disgusting behavior and not right nor normal.. this is not an old blouse or an old pair of shoes, its your children.. I do not know how people sleep at night after doing that.

In reply to the poster who mentioned health visitors/social workers etc I have been begging for help for my wife for the last TWO YEARS with nothing in return. NO ONE CARES no one wants to help for everyone 1 person who actually listens and really cares you have another 10 people who automatically brand you and treat you like scum, like I say I do not take drugs, my house (2 bed semi gardens front and back, on a fairly new build barrett type estate) is CLEAN! I do all the cleaning and cooking usually.. the kids get the best I can afford.. although with not working anymore to look after the kids that is another reason people treat you different.

OOPS rambling lol. so I already know I should cut her off and stay away from her, I know since she has NOT been here the kids are a lot calmer becuase she is not there to scream at them when they ask for something. bu they also miss her too.

Lastly I do not have any family, I do not know where my mother/father live, he was abusive to my mother and me and my two older brothers, the eldest brother sexually abused me when I was 8 years old, so I do not have any family.. The friends I had were obviously all male and would not be much good in this situation anyways, hence why I am posting this here. Apart from the kids it was either post here or talk to the plasma.. and that dont give answers!

Thanks
xx

[HairyGrotter]

Women who leave their family tend to suffer with some level of mental health issue, or addiction...we're human too you know. Women aren't perfect aren't always ready or willing to be mothers.

Yes, you need to focus on your children, help them adjust and become respectful members of society, your wife needs help, her past is controlling her present and may well possibly have severe mental health issues that need tackling through medication or counselling.

Your wife sounds chaotic and desperate. You are suffering the fall out of this as will your children, so the time comes for you to focus wholly on them and giving them the stability your wife never had.

[talkingnonsense]

She sounds deeply troubled and unwell, obviously her awful childhood experiences must be connected to it. BUT, I don't know that you can help her anymore without it adversely affecting your children. I reccomend going to your gp, get yourself referred for counselling to help you process things, hopefully she will return to the gp herself and then they will have more idea how to help her. It isn't your fault, and it sounds like it isn't hers either, but you mow need to put the children first. Doesn't matter if the house gets a bit grubby, you can't do everything! Do you work, do you have childcare?

[SingleDad2011]

Just wanted to say I posted this also on a forum about dogs, as I have a dog I posted their regular, so I thought ill post there get some advice regarding dog (had to rehome him as could not walk anymore with no pram etc) all the dog lovers came to the conclusion I should of put the dog first and kids second.. honestly, I swear to god there are some god awful deranged people, I know animal people are a strange breed but a dog before kids?

I posted here and not the "dad net" version of here becuase all men would just say "f*ck the bitch off" and I wanted an impartial view, I know some women can be erm, hard work but I know most women are normal sane people! (most not all)

Just to add, unless she had full control of the finances she accused me of being a control freak! yep.. she has not got the best budgeting skills either.. I did used to have a visa debit and credit card but she kept stealing them and using the proceeds for.. drugs. I told the police (to try and give her a shock) they would not charge her becuase "its your wife and your problem"! In the end I cancelled the cards.. and yes I could of changed the PIN but when she was not ill and was ok obviously she needed to use them, that is how she knew the pin when she turned bad.. I could not hide them all the time beucase that shows lack of trust and stops being able to move on, I say that becuase people say why not change the pin number.. for the long times she was ok was I meant to change the pin and hide the cards in the off chance she relapsed? tried that and caused more trouble..

This is also the second time she has taken ALL the money and left me and the kids with NO MONEY.. and once police officer told me this is happeneing ALL the time of late, whats going on in the world were it is now normal for mothers to ditch the kids? If a man ups and walks, he is a nasty no good absent dad, what is a mother called who does this?

[CoteDAzur]

You say this happened before. For how long does she go missing when she leaves?

It sounds like a drugs binge.

[MmeLindor.]

She sounds very troubled.

I have a cousin whose wife is bipolar and she goes "walkabout" every so often. It is horrible for the whole family, particularly her sons.

It is however an illness. A chemical imbalance in the brain. It is not something that she is meaning to do.

If your wife has bipolar then she needs help. Even if it is not this condition, but a different one, she needs help. You are out of your depth here.

Have you tried contacting the Mental Health charity MIND here to ask for advice?

At the end of the day, you can only do so much for her. You need to concentrate on yourself and your children. My cousin split up with his wife this year after 15 years of hell. The boys are grown, and great boys they are too.

[AyeRobot]

Sound like a horrible situation for you all and I really hope she can keep safe. I second the suggestion of contacting MIND so that you can get as much information.

If you have been seeking help for her for the past two years and she was clearly not mentally stable, why did you get her pregnant again?

[MugglesandLuna]

Its sounds like she is deeply troubled, which could have been made much worse by having 2 children very quickly. Especially as the youngest was only born 5 months ago.

[mummytime]

Okay I think you need to start to get help for yourself. Maybe start with the CAB. You need to get money, and make sure she doesn't have access to it. I would also see if there is any charity around who can get you a second hand pram (I am sure that there are thousands of Mumsnetters who have one mouldering away in the garage). Admittedly the social worker seems to be useless, but maybe there is someone else in SS who will be more sympathetic/helpful. Maybe the Health Visitor (who is a trained nurse btw) had just assessed that your wife wasn't sectionable, she obviously does have a lot of problems.
But your job is to concentrate on looking after yourself and your kids (and the dog). You cannot solve your wifes problems. But do get financial and legal advice.
Good luck!

[cestlavielife]

agree with mummy time.
focus on you andchildren. is there one profreesional who seems tog et it? a hv/GP or a social worker? speak to them. you need one outside person you trust and who will bat your corner here. what do you need practically ? write it down and go to SW/GP/HV with your list. try local freecycle or church etc for anything you need like a pushchair. local college may have child care students who can help with child care (and gain experience too)

however much you "love" your wife when she well - clearly you need to detach empotionally and physically. she has been violent to you etc. you "love" what she might and could be - but she right now cannot be that person. until she is, you cannot be responsible for her well being. you are however responsible for your dc. because if you dont be repsonsible for them, they ahve to go into care -and i know you know this because everything you say points to fact that you are caring for them fantastically under the circumstances.

no one can say why she does this - only she knows. but clearly she is troubled and while it doesnt justify there is no point saying she is evil/bad etc - she just is how she is. and only she can change that.

are you working? what about child care? can hv help refer you for help with that?

[cestlavielife]

also if she turns up wanting contact - it has to be supervised in contact centre. let her sws deal with that. stick to a new rule - she does not wander back in to your home and life and the dc life until she proves she better and well. if you let ehr back - you will be enabling her
dont let her back in your home for yourrs and dc sake or it will just start all over again.
there are sufficient police and medical records that court would easily order a contact centre.

[CognitiveDissident]

Practical stuff:

Ask your HV about Homestart/Surestart. THey may be able to provide you with support, or match you with a volunteer who can assist with transport, childcare, help at home.

Look on Gumtree or Freecycle for a free pushchair.If you can't find one there then get a cheap £20 buggy for the 19month and a fabric sling (£20-£30) for the baby. You might be able to pick up these in charity shops or on Ebay for far less.

Go to EVERY playgroup/playscheme/surestart centre in the area. Network. Get chatting to other parents. It will preserve your sanity, if nothing else. The centre workers can put you in touch with support groups.

Ask Social Services for help, it's what they're there for.They are not baby-stealing monsters, despite what the popular press says.

Benefits/Money: Claim as a single person,and ensure CB, Family Credits, HB is all in your name. Get rid of credit cards and make sure everything is going into an account in your name only. Keep your bankcard with you at all times.

House: Who's name is it in? Can you get it changed to a single tenancy if it's in both your names? Change the locks if it's a sole (your name) tenancy.

Finally, try not to hate your wife. It's corrosive, soul-destroying and will eat you up. Focus your energies on your family instead.