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Need advice - what to do when the love has faded?

(5 Posts)
Nuyorica Mon 29-Aug-11 22:15:04

Hello all

This is my first post in this section so please be gentle......

In a nutshell, I feel that I have fallen out of love with my husband, and am hoping from some advice, words of wisdom, or anything really that might give me a bit of clarity on what to do.

To give you a bit of background, we have been together 8 years, and had our first daughter after being together for only a year, so she is now 7. Our younger daughter is 2.5.

He is 12 years older than me, and we are very different in many ways- he is physically very large, is really loud, confident and uncomplicated in his approach to life, a bit of a big kid really. He works hard during the week but at weekends he is pretty lazy and a self confessed slob. I am small, quite reserved, a bit anal about the state of the house, and tend to over analyse everything!

He is very kind, generous to a fault, and totally dotes on me and the kids, but over the last couple of years, my attraction towards him has waned dramatically, to the point where our sex life is non existent and I have become very irritated by him and hyper critical, which I hate being like.

I think the age gap has started to become a bit of a problem, in that as he has got older his health has started to decline and he's put on a fair bit if weight, and he is no longer the life and soul of the party as he was when we met.

I suspect that really it's me that has changed though, as when we met I was only 26 and was a bit swept away by his ott personality and the fact that he introduced me to a more grown up, lavish way of life, but now, in my mid 30s, I just can't see us growing old together.

I have been honest with him about my feelings and he has said that if it weren't for the kids he would probably have walked away from the relationship, as despite still loving me, he is fed up with feeling so unloved.

We have arranged to start counselling next week, and I am hoping there is some way to salvage our relationship but I have felt like this at the end of relationships before and am not sure it's possible to reignite an extinguished flame.

Is it selfish to put my feelings before those of our kids? Although I do not feel happy with the way things are there is no abuse, and although he has a bit of a short fuse at times, he would never hurt me or the kids. Should I just stifle my feelings and get on with it ?

Is it unrealistic to hope that we could split amicably and not hurt the kids too badly in the process?

My parents had a messy divorce and although the circumstances were different as there was infidelity involved, I would hate for my kids to feel the way I did. I also have a lot of friends who are single parents so am under no illusions about how hard going it alone would potentially be.

I would love to know if any of you have been in this situation and what your experiences are, or even if you haven't, any advice you may have.

Thanks for listening.

greengirl87 Mon 29-Aug-11 22:24:29

my goodness i really feel sorry for him! It must be so awful to be told your not loved anymore!
I understand you are upset and i feel for you too. Maybe its just a blip and you guys need to do more things together like go out to the cinema/for a meal or find a hobby that you would both enjoy.
What you have to remember is that everyone ages and everyone changes eventually. You just need to reconnect and see how you get along. Make an effort not to get irritated easily by him and try to have a laugh.
Obviously if none of this works you know what you ahev to do. Its not fair on you or him or the children to force a relationship

Nuyorica Mon 29-Aug-11 23:30:10

Thanks greengirl

I wasn't as brutally honest as all that, but am aware that they way I'm behaving is hurtful sad

I agree, spending more time together and trying to reestablish a bit more intimacy has got to be worth a try, will certainly make that happen and hope that it helps

InTheArmyNow Tue 30-Aug-11 09:53:49

Well, you know that yu ave been acting 'unlovingly', you are happy to go to counselling wth him to try and make things better.
He knows your feelings and is happy to try again (through counseling).

I think you have done the best you could do.
If you aren't happy, aren't in love with him anymore there is no reason why you should stay. Certainly not for the sake of your dcs. because as time goes, you and he will grow more and more ressentful of the situation. Or you might manage to keep some ressembalnce of normality. Whatever the case, you can be sure that your dcs will know about it. They will know you have stayed together even though you didn't love eah other. They will know you are both unhappy. And they probably know that already tbh.
They will NOT thank you for that! (and for the very bad example of how to deal with relationship issues)

Go and see a counsellor. You might be ale to get things back on track. Or you might agree that you have changed (both of you) and the best is to split.
but in any case, do not choose to 'stay for the children'

Secondwife Tue 30-Aug-11 15:26:29

Do you socialise much as a couple anymore? Kids can have quite a dramatic effect on their parents social life once they come along. You find yourself tied to the home much more due to being tired, costs involved in finding Babysitters etc, that you lose a sense of being you and part of a couple...

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